Is it possible to improve yourself and NOT find someone?

[radiohead20]

So I get frustrated when I heard the phrase "stop looking and you'll find someone" or "work on yourself and your goals first and them women will just come to you".

 

Both these statements imply that you don't have to do anything to get a suitable mate. Or even worse, that if you are not attracting anyway now, that the answer is to just improve your life and not focus on girls and girls will become attracted to you.

 

Posting this, I feel like I am going to hear the following canned answers from most people:

 

 

"The reason why it works is because you become happier with who you are and you come accross as less desperate to women. you become a fun person and women love"

-I understand the logic behind this one but how does being funner and being happy translate to women suddenly becoming magically attracted to you. I don't understand. I understand women like to hang out with people that have a sense of humor and are confident. But just because you are funny and confident does not mean your value as as mate increases to the point where your sudden dearth in women becomes an abundance. Especially since men are supposed to traditionally do the chasing.

 

 

 

"If you improve your career/physique/finances/passions you will automatically attract more women"

-I also understand the logic behind this one, but I know from real life examples that men I know that I have improved their physique/confidence/career have not had a flood of women getting their panties wet after them.

 

 

 

The only instances where it worked was men who actively incorporated meeting women into part of their self improvement routine. Now that I understand, but improving other areas of your life unrelated to women to improve your chances with women seem sorta pointless? I feel like people should improve themselves for themselves only, and not expect an increase in attraction from women. Because in reality it is probably not going to happen unless a certain area of self improvement involves meeting more women as a "side affect". I guess that is why I get irked when people say "improve your life and women will come".

[ConfusedVirgin]

I'll be blunt....You need to change your attitude. that is what is stopping you..... I'm not even gonna bother dissecting your extremely bias and woe is me post.

[Moontiger]

Well, you really have two option don't you?

 

1) Stop worrying so much and live your life the way you want.

2) Wallow in self-pity.

 

The choice is yours. But I can tell you NO woman wants to date a guy who picks #2

[markfromark]

Live a happy life and stop thinking that a partner and romantic love is necessary to be happy.

[SpiritofFire]

These two "stop looking and you'll find someone" or "work on yourself and your goals first and them women will just come to you" are true. Females that I've met through out my life happen when I wasn't looking for anyone, we just happen me being at the right place/right time/right setting. In fact I stopped looking period. There are just to many fairy tale, princess mindsets, drama loving females, which I am tired of, and have no energy for, nor desire to get to know them. I can't blame them with all the media around us, but certainly it's very discouraging to find suitable partner. You do however have to expose yourself more often, and stop chasing, just stop feeding those females with your attention. You would know when she is the one you want to spend time with. It would seem effortless, and just right, but in a mean time yes take care of yourself.

[Sim54]

You seem to be hoping for 'an abundance' of women to suddenly appear.

 

How about your sort yourself out, and then you meet one woman, who happens to like you back, and you start a relationship?

 

Stop talking about 'women' like they're another species, and start thinking about finding someone you like, who likes you too.

[Moontiger]

You seem to be hoping for 'an abundance' of women to suddenly appear.

 

How about your sort yourself out, and then you meet one woman, who happens to like you back, and you start a relationship?

 

Stop talking about 'women' like they're another species, and start thinking about finding someone you like, who likes you too.

 

Thank you for this reply. There are times on this site when SOME men come accross as having this entitled attitude. They seem to think they world owes them a beautiful woman, who is smart, funny, caring, independent, sexual adventurous, always smiles, never in a bad mood, who never has bad breath or a bad hair day, and puts no demands on the guy.

 

Just like us woman are not entitled to a Knight in shinning armor, men are not entitled to the above described woman.

[Shane Grayson]

I am in the same boat you are, sort of.

 

I know love and relationships are an important aspect to life,

But another aspect that gets completely over looked is self-

Improvement.

Ever since I saw this video on 60 minutes link removed

I have taken up the guitar and I concentrate whole on this.

I feel better about myself and I do much better talking to ladies

Now, for some reason. I think its just that they do not take precedence

In my life anymore, and it feels good

[blueidealist24]

I honestly don't think that is true, either. I mean, if something about you is glaringly bad and you totally reverse it, this works (like going from being a welfare recipient to someone who makes $30/hr). But honestly, the world is shallow, and people's initial attraction happens mostly by looks. I think that looks is the main reason that people can't get dates. OTOH the people who can get dates but can't keep a relationship are physically attractive but financially/mentally/emotionally/intellectually undesirable. That self-improvement stuff, goals etc. will help you keep a RELATIONSHIP, but to get your foot in the door it's a looks game.

[Shane Grayson]

@blueidealist24 I would think it is more about body image than looks.

I have seen many women whom have beautiful faces, but are over-weight,

And thus not very attractive to me; and the converse, for me, seems to be true:

A girl with a mediocre face but a stellar body is attractive.

But I have always seen it that people whom take care of their bodies care about themselves,

Or are trying to work on themselves, which can be very attractive.

 

For guys on the other hand it seems that women are attracted to a "congruent" or "symmetrical"

Face, because for some reason that states we come from a successful family.

Ya know, don't ever start reading because you get all this info in your brain, and you can

Never remember where it comes from >

[Generation]

Yes, it's possible to improve yourself and not find someone. That's the harsh reality sometimes. The bigger question is this, is that a reason to stop improving yourself?

[blueidealist24]

@blueidealist24 I would think it is more about body image than looks.

I have seen many women whom have beautiful faces, but are over-weight,

And thus not very attractive to me; and the converse, for me, seems to be true:

A girl with a mediocre face but a stellar body is attractive.

But I have always seen it that people whom take care of their bodies care about themselves,

Or are trying to work on themselves, which can be very attractive.

 

For guys on the other hand it seems that women are attracted to a "congruent" or "symmetrical"

Face, because for some reason that states we come from a successful family.

Ya know, don't ever start reading because you get all this info in your brain, and you can

Never remember where it comes from >

 

Well, by "looks" I am including bodies. I don't just mean faces.

[radiohead20]

I honestly don't think that is true, either. I mean, if something about you is glaringly bad and you totally reverse it, this works (like going from being a welfare recipient to someone who makes $30/hr). But honestly, the world is shallow, and people's initial attraction happens mostly by looks. I think that looks is the main reason that people can't get dates. OTOH the people who can get dates but can't keep a relationship are physically attractive but financially/mentally/emotionally/intellectually undesirable. That self-improvement stuff, goals etc. will help you keep a RELATIONSHIP, but to get your foot in the door it's a looks game.

 

 

I think u hit it on the head here. If you go from low value to high value in your life it is likely that your attraction towards women will increase but ONLY if you are initially attractive to girls. Now the reason they say this works is because part of self improvement is usually improving your appearance. So what do u do if your appearance is already close to the best or self improvement does not involve changing your Appearance....womens' interest in you probably does not change.

[bulletproof]

Perhaps people are just trying to say that by improving yourself, you may open your life up to meeting more people, which in turn will mean meeting more women. It's really just a numbers game, at the end of it all. You increase your odds of finding someone if you meet a lot of different people all the time. That's simple logic. It also depends on what you're doing to improve yourself. If it's primarily individual or solitary self-improvement (like reading more books to become more well-read), that likely will not gain you access to more people.

[Thorshammer]

If i believed i couldnt have changed, i would have never dated the women i dated who fell for me. I was shy, worried too much about what they thought about, i was insecure, etc. It took me completely being side-swiped by the first pretty skirt i managed to land at that time, she pulled and pushed me and broke my will, to hurt me at the end. That made me cold, and women saw my new distant and careless behavior as confidence, i was doing the opposite, i didnt care about what they thought- which they believed was comfort in myself- in other words; unplanned confidence. The coldness melted away, but the lessons of behavior was learned.

 

"The reason why it works is because you become happier with who you are and you come accross as less desperate to women. you become a fun person and ]women love"

 

Men sometimes daydream about being the hero who saves the desperate sad woman... some women dont feel this way with men (some absolutely loathe a desperate man and them having to "up" their self-esteem each time). Some women want masculine men, and a strong characteristic of masculinity is strength. Strength branches out to confidence, value of importance, etc. You lose this with desperation, with clinginess, with neediness. This should have been lesson 1 as kids when we were still learning to pee standing up in the toilet. Unfortunately for some of us, we dont learn this until we meet that woman who breaks us (example me). And even though i know many wont admit, some women look at their man as their leader, their protector, this turns on their buttons, this makes them feel that the relationship is "normal"- they are allowed to express their femininity, the man expresses masculinity. Unless i date someone outside this type, i would lose them if i didnt play the role that attracted them.

 

 

"If you improve your career/physique/finances/passions you will automatically attract more women"

 

Its more tools in the toolbox. These things alone enhance you, but it doesnt mean that it will be automatic. I cant count how many times a gf showed me pictures of their ex before me and i quietly freaked out on how (no homo) "hot" he was. But, i had them, my behavior (which tied into what i said above) had them glued that in her eyes i made that guy look a kid... literally.

[happpybear]

this may be a bit off topic, but maybe not,

 

say you take your singleton time and do improve yourself, for example by reading more to become more knowledgeable, working on improving your health, learning to cook, learning a new language or instrument etc. basically having hobbies.

 

And when you meet people, they are intimidated by the fact that you are well-read/well rounded/interesting/have had a lot of experiences etc. and back away to find someone else that is more "average"

 

I have been meeting a lot of men that seem taken aback that i have a lot of hobbies and projects and am always learning something new. it's like they can't handle it or something. It makes me want to not be so interesting (and i don't mean that to sound conceited at all, I just don't know how else to say it!)

[happpybear]

this may be a bit off topic, but maybe not,

 

say you take your singleton time and do improve yourself, for example by reading more to become more knowledgeable, working on improving your health, learning to cook, learning a new language or instrument etc. basically having hobbies.

 

And when you meet people, they are intimidated by the fact that you are well-read/well rounded/interesting/have had a lot of experiences etc. and back away to find someone else that is more "average"

 

I have been meeting a lot of men that seem taken aback that i have a lot of hobbies and projects and am always learning something new. it's like they can't handle it or something. It makes me want to not be so interesting (and i don't mean that to sound conceited at all, I just don't know how else to say it!)

[Sim54]

this may be a bit off topic, but maybe not,

 

say you take your singleton time and do improve yourself, for example by reading more to become more knowledgeable, working on improving your health, learning to cook, learning a new language or instrument etc. basically having hobbies.

 

And when you meet people, they are intimidated by the fact that you are well-read/well rounded/interesting/have had a lot of experiences etc. and back away to find someone else that is more "average"

 

I have been meeting a lot of men that seem taken aback that i have a lot of hobbies and projects and am always learning something new. it's like they can't handle it or something. It makes me want to not be so interesting (and i don't mean that to sound conceited at all, I just don't know how else to say it!)

 

Are you saying you're bothered by the fact that men that aren't up to your standards are intimidated by you?

Do you WANT these little boys to want you?!

[Sim54]

this may be a bit off topic, but maybe not,

 

say you take your singleton time and do improve yourself, for example by reading more to become more knowledgeable, working on improving your health, learning to cook, learning a new language or instrument etc. basically having hobbies.

 

And when you meet people, they are intimidated by the fact that you are well-read/well rounded/interesting/have had a lot of experiences etc. and back away to find someone else that is more "average"

 

I have been meeting a lot of men that seem taken aback that i have a lot of hobbies and projects and am always learning something new. it's like they can't handle it or something. It makes me want to not be so interesting (and i don't mean that to sound conceited at all, I just don't know how else to say it!)

 

Are you saying you're bothered by the fact that men that aren't up to your standards are intimidated by you?

Do you WANT these little boys to want you?!

[happpybear]

Are you saying you're bothered by the fact that men that aren't up to your standards are intimidated by you?

Do you WANT these little boys to want you?!

 

 

lol, no, i don't. But i have never been in this situation before, and sometimes i feel weird being rejected because i'm too interesting....lol, i dunno, i realize it is their problem, just feels weird I guess because i would never reject a guy who was super interesting, quite the opposite if I met a guy that was i would want him all the more

[happpybear]

Are you saying you're bothered by the fact that men that aren't up to your standards are intimidated by you?

Do you WANT these little boys to want you?!

 

 

lol, no, i don't. But i have never been in this situation before, and sometimes i feel weird being rejected because i'm too interesting....lol, i dunno, i realize it is their problem, just feels weird I guess because i would never reject a guy who was super interesting, quite the opposite if I met a guy that was i would want him all the more

[Sim54]

Well, loads of guys (people, in fact) are intimidated by others success, or busy lives. They're afraid that they won't match up. It's easy to understand if you think about it. I bet there are some guys out there, who might be so far ahead of you in terms of growth, and self realisation, that you might be intimidated by them too. Same thing.

 

Good for you for growing though, you'll just end up attracting a better calibre of man, at some point.

[Sim54]

Well, loads of guys (people, in fact) are intimidated by others success, or busy lives. They're afraid that they won't match up. It's easy to understand if you think about it. I bet there are some guys out there, who might be so far ahead of you in terms of growth, and self realisation, that you might be intimidated by them too. Same thing.

 

Good for you for growing though, you'll just end up attracting a better calibre of man, at some point.

[happpybear]

at some point.

 

 

.....still waitin...lol

[happpybear]

at some point.

 

 

.....still waitin...lol