Aarya in Lala Land

[Aarya]

Today I decided to let go (genuinely let go) of hope for a man that I thought was the love of my life. I realize that I may not do everything perfectly, as I am human. I may make mistakes along the way however I will not make them intentionally. I will not intentionally sabotage my efforts or intentionally throw my heart in a blender.

 

I find comfort in thinking: If this really was as special as I felt it was, if he has enough feelings for me, he will figure out his issues and find me. However I will not hold on to hope and expect it. I will say that to myself once, now. Then I will fold up the words, seal them, hide them in the clouds above while they disintegrate and are gently and softly removed from my memory.

 

This is the first time that I am being smart about the process of letting go. I am and always have been a hopeless romantic and have had serious problems letting go. Even though I know rationally that it serves no purpose. If anything good is supposed to happen this can happen even if I do not obsess, hold on for dear life. If I do get stuck in that sick cycle, there is no benefit and only pain there.

 

So yes I must give up hope. Because my hope and dedication by itself cannot change the situation. He has said he does not want a relationship. All the other nice feelings and words he left behind will again be stuffed up in the white clouds in Lala land only to evaporate. If their existence is somehow crutial in the near or far future, they will have to be re-created by him - whether that is possible or not should not concern me in the moment.

 

So today I will;

 

Love myself

Do some yoga

Listen to soft comforting music

Draw (if I have time and feel up to it)

Work... there is a lot of work to do

 

Love myself, hug myself, be kind to myself.

 

And right now, I will have some green tea and smile

[Aarya]

He does not want a relationship.

and

I love me

 

are the only lines I need to repeat to myself when there are thoughts, reminders, memories and communication that is trying to reach me from the dust in the clouds above in Lala land...

 

I will find the strength within me, I will cherish it, honor it, I will exercise it to protect the spirit in me that I so love. I will protect it with everything I have. Nobody, not even I can break it.

[Aarya]

In half an hour my mood has changed. What is happening? I don't understand it.

I feel SAD, WEAK. I am sweating hot and cold. How can I help myself? How can someone help me?

 

 

I've turned on some 'happy' 'positive' 'upbeat' music. Good idea? I hope so...

[Aarya]

Is it a good idea to focus on negative traits/characteristics he has to get over him? To let go of him. Will it work?

[Aarya]

Surprisingly I've been working VERY well the past few days. It's like a mental block has been lifted. I'm almost finished with something I had to do, yet I got stuck on a small part at the end. I couldn't concentrate on it around midnight, so I should get it done first thing today then move on to the next.

 

It's so odd to me that I'm completely heartbroken yet I don't remember being this productive in a long time (if ever). Something to be thankful for.

[Aarya]

It's IMPOSSIBLY hot today. Ugh.

[Aarya]

And today I hate you. I hate you uncontrollably almost for what you did to me.

[Aarya]

I think you did a horrible, horrible thing by not telling me IN ADVANCE. That was mean and selfish, and that is not the person I believed you to be. I am not a saint by any means, but you are pure evil for doing to me what you did.

 

Oh and

You pick your nose

You pick your nose

You pick your nose

You pick your nose

You pick your nose

You pick your nose

You pick your nose

YOU PICK YOUR NOSE!

[Aarya]

You broke me knowingly, selfishly. On purpose you mislead me and used me. As soon as I realized that and accepted it I started moving on.

 

But then again I did the same, just not to you. Now am I supposed to hate me as much as I hate you?

[MasterPo]

It will get better. Sometimes comedy helps or a good friend that can make you laugh. In times of despair, a good belly laugh is priceless. Sorry to intrude on your journal but then again, its ENA we are in everybody's business. lol

[Aarya]

It will get better. Sometimes comedy helps or a good friend that can make you laugh. In times of despair, a good belly laugh is priceless. Sorry to intrude on your journal but then again, its ENA we are in everybody's business. lol

 

Please do intrude. Journals always feel so lonely when nobody comments.

[Aarya]

There is nothing I hate more than when people interrupt me (with stupid things) when I am reading or thinking.

 

Change topic.

 

I am of two minds about you. On one hand you can never do wrong in my eyes. On the other, I will never forgive you for what you did. I asked you one thing; not to leave me in limbo. You did exactly that.

[Aarya]

link removed

[Aarya]

Listening to Someone Like You

[Aarya]

I am sure if I asked you there is some well thought out reason as to why you aren't writing me, calling me, etc. But does it matter? Of course if I call/write you will respond. But is that enough? It's isn't. YOU are not enough. You are NOT enough. Why then can't I forget you?

[Aarya]

Today I am 167.64 lbs. I've lost over 50 lbs...

[Aarya]

Lala land closed. Under reconstruction.

[Aarya]

My parents are crazy. When I have a boyfriend they will do everything in their power (including sending threats via email ?!?!) to break us up. When I don't have one (or when they think I don't) they will suddenly want me to get married and make babies. WTH? Just leave me be.

[Aarya]

Sleep cry sleep cry sleep cry sleep sleep sleep...

[The_Alchemist]

My parents are crazy. When I have a boyfriend they will do everything in their power (including sending threats via email ?!?!) to break us up. When I don't have one (or when they think I don't) they will suddenly want me to get married and make babies. WTH? Just leave me be.

 

Sorry to frame the obivious, but your parents probably don't like you to have a boyfriend, but they do like you to have a husband and thats probably the result of their culture and conditioning. Not judging if its right or wrong.