This is Mind Body and Spirit in a hurt time.

[ninachamile]

Sometimes I feel really good, like anthing is possible and incontrol as if I am untouchable in a to the daily grind and nothing bothers me. Then I feel like the blanket has been pulled off of me like a bad parlor trick leaving a mess in the event.

 

There is so much going on right now and the person who should be here is miles away emotionaly and took his support packed away in a convenient 8oz container. There is a front when the friends come over and I am sick of it. The supportive loving understanding boyfriend "vanishes" as soon as the friends leave to only go with them to have some fun night out with the guys to let off his woes. These woes have been taken care of by me time and time again only to be placed back where they are by the only person who put them there to begin with...hint...not by me. Now it is my fault that they have not been taken care of because there is no money to fix the problem because I do not have a proper paying job and when He can take care of it it goes to hurry and catch up on things to leave nothing left, again it was my fault because I could not budget better.

 

I am left to stay home and take care of everything, the arrands, the cleaning, my own sneak up demons. Which he refuses to take any participation of healing and support unless it comes to the point me me huddled up on the bed crying, even then I get the "I'm tired of hearing it" or the "What do you want me to do about it" "I am sick of you and all of this, my life was so much better before I met you and will be back to where it was when I get rid you you" Anyway, the yard need to be taken care of, repairs need to be done and when I get sick of letting them go I do them myself I get "You are doing it wrong, you are not prepared properly, you are going to hurt yourself, I will do it later" yeah right, this coming from the person who perfected "How to procrastinate proscastination and justify it"

 

My daughter has mounds of doctors visits that I to take her to and support with her healing and I have to work with my own medical struggles and other finances that goes with these things. The bills, lack of money, no groceries, months late on car payments, lost both car and health insurance. The owners want to evict us so I have to barter by doing the repairs, most of which are still not done even a given ample time. The two of us went to the grocery store and He freaked out because he did nto know groceries were so expensive. The last time he went to the grocery store was maybe 5 years ago. Anyway, the money we had was close to nil, but this was a special trip because he was going out of town with his buddies and wanted to make sure he could take along good things to feed himself and his friends. He wanted this and that and i kept telling him no, he had a fit in the store made a sceen and I shut my mouth because he was ready to go at it. So I let him see for himself. I told what we had in funds and he said "I can make it work, you dont know how to budget." When all was said and done and after a quick tally of what was in teh basket, most of it went back to the shelves. "when did groceries get so expensive?" Well, everyone took a vote and thought if we increased the price of food it would give us the insentive to go out and get higher paying jobs thus allowing us to spend more, which would only give opportunities for more jobs to better the economy. What do you think? Honey?

 

Funny though, I got a job, a much better one. One that has gotten me closer to where I want to go in life as far as career, because once you are in other doors will open and all you can do is go up from there. It is an entry position that someone handed to me on a silver platter. This was one of those once in a lifetime gifts that are rarely given and you'd be foolish not to take it. The pay is lower and no insurance for a long time. I told our friends and I got "Congratualtions!" "Good for you" "You did it" " I am happy for you" What I was told by him was "Oh, yeah, that's good, congratulations" it was about as exciting as saying hi to the newly departed widow at a wake. I got repremmanded after I told him the detail by hearing "You took this job and it is part time and it pays lower?" The job I had before was as close to glorified janitor as you could get. And while doing that job all I heard was "when are you going to get a full time job, why are you not looking for a better full time job. When are you going to put some effort into it" This went on for over two years, I was looking hard, till this new one came. This "other" person has not had a real job since LAST summer, til he quit..for his own justified reasons. These reasons were more unrealistic than a fairy flying up to you and kissing you on the head and claiming that you lost the picture to prove it.

 

But apperantly the real reason why things are the way there are in our relationship is my fault. Then when I contest, it is because I have refused to change the things about me he want me to change so I can be a happier person and love myself so we can both be a happy functioning couple and throws in the "You are uncapeable of change, I cant wait to leave this place and get away from you " This being heard time and time again and still he is here. The reason "I an heare because I dont want to be homeless" When I do say "okay, it is all my fault" I hear "you are not listening, as usual, you dont get it" Okay, I get that you are bi-polar and mental illness runs deeper in your family than the cracks in the ocean floor. I said it once to him, he laughed about it and said "true" thank goodness he was on an "UP" moment. At times he can be the person I met, those are rare, sometimes I feel as if it is acted out. Maybe it is my perception.

 

See, this is about trying to keep my spirit up to keep my mind and body going and burning bright but right now it is quite dim. When the spirit seems to glow, everything is okay and I can see a new perspective. We both have problems, you have a good but small picture of what I put up with on the daily. My issues have not even been mentioned yet. I dont have the energy...sum it up...child of alcoholic with a destructive/abusinve dad and an emtionaly unbalanced and abusive mother, beat up at school from beginning to end, abusive first boyfriend, that makes this present one look like a saint. Told by professionals and teachers too, that I was smart but I am depressed and an underachiever that will not try because I am lazy and do not care, only to find it was something else entirely. The meds are working, still in tryout mode, but the results are quite noticeable.I have no self esteem and all that goes with it, all the things that a healthy person should have and be, I am not and do not have. Two good things, I am not an alcoholic nor addicted to drugs.

 

I am in a huge moment of change and trying to face these monster is hard enough without having to work with this other stuff and there is no support from the person who should be here. I dare not tell my other family memebers, i do nto talk to them, not want them around me. They did enough damage already. I do get the support of medical staff and friends but not the support I desperately need on a daily basis fro the person I need it from.

 

At this point, i dont know if I am making a mountain out of a mole hill or not. Maybe I am on a down moment. I do pray, meditate and try very hard to stop and see things differently when I feel like this. I feel like I am constantly changing and I cant keep up with the "old' to the "new", it plays havok with my spritual side, like it can not keep up. I wonder if this is how a chameleon would feel when walking through a flower shop? All that constant changing and still trying to trudge through it, what their bodies must be going through. Sometimes I just want to give up and go back to how I was before I took control of myself and just exist and take up space. Was living with a vail of acceptance all those years in the dark and thinking this is as good as it gets this is who I am WORTH taking off one day when asking myself "Is this going to be your life forever?" I better hold on thight, this is going to be a rough ride and the wolves are hungry. Was it worth it? Again I feel that my Mind, Body and Spirit

 

I appriciate that you took the time to read all this mind vomit that has built up in my head. I was going to talk to my councelor, but at this time, I need to figure out payment. It has been months and months since my last visit. I could talk to the wall and place my boyfriends picture there and at least it cant talk back or go anywhere, but this has left me feeling better and a little more fullfilled rather than just talking to a wall mock boyfriend and still unheard.

 

Thank you,