How do you tell someone you just need a little space/your own time?

[Fantanos]

I have been with my current GF for 2 months now, not including our dating time. At first I was crazy over her, I wanted to see her every second I could and she was the same way.. we did everything together and it moved very fast. She was sleeping over every night and I enjoyed that. I am still crazy over her but we got through the honey moon stage I guess.

 

Now to present day, I do really like her and we have fun together but I am now seeing we moved really fast and I wish we had paced it some. She still wants to spend every second with me. I have lived by myself and I have been single for the past 7 months... I am use to being alone and doing my own thing. I actually enjoy my own time a lot and I don't get freaked out if I am by myself. If I try to tell her this she gets very upset and thinks I am seeing someone else or I am not excited to see her anymore. None of this is the case, I am just falling behind on my normal life stuff, like groceries, laundry, cleaning, house work, yard work ect.. I feel stressed because I am behind on all of it. I tried to tell her today about me heading home alone, doing my stuff and I will come get her later but it turned into an argument. She says she doesn't understand why she can't help me do this stuff. Well she can and that is nice but I guess its just your own routine kind of thing, get it down quick and have fun later. I am not OCD but I do get stressed easily when stuff is out of place for a long time or work builds up, it puts me in a bad mood and getting caught up eases me. Its like partial OCD I think..

 

How do I am explain this to her?

[LoveHurts89]

If you have already tried to explain to her, then just *tell* her now. Say, listen, I've explained my reasons behind it, I have other things to do, as much as I adore spending time with you, but I need some "me time" to do my chores, spebd time with my friends and chill out alone. If you can't respect that and automatically assume I'm seeing body else, then I'm not sure I can be with somebody who wants to smother me and has zero trust.

[nutbrownhare]

It's not partial OCD; each partner having space to do their own thing - whether it's just housework, or an interest that their other half doesn't share - is crucial to having a healthy relationship. Of course, in the early days of a relationship you want to spend all your time together, all the rest, but this phase does not and cannot last for ever.

 

Tell her, kindly but firmly, that you need to sort out your own affairs in your own way and in your own time. Explain to her that you're also concerned that she may have let interests or friendships slip because you've been spending so much time together, and that you'd like her to have her own space too. Let her know that the person you fell in love with - her - was a product of her interests, experiences and the people she knows and loves, and that you don't want to see that person disappear. Tell her that when you next see her you will be doubly excited because you'll have been missing her. Do this as kindly as you can, but be firm.

 

The problem is that with very clingy, needy people the relationship can get very claustrophobic - and that will kill your feelings for her faster than anything. She will likely get upset the first few times, but if you show her you mean it when you go and do your own thing, then she should hopefully do likewise. Also, it would be good to make a point of being extra attentive when you DO see her after you've been apart for a bit, to reassure her that you're not losing your feelings for her.

 

Demanding that someone spend every waking hour with you is a form of emotional abuse, as is causing an argument when your partner needs to spend time on their own for perfectly legitimate reasons. So don't apologise for needing to keep track of your own affairs, or for needing space. You are not the one with the problem.

[MsLoveyStevens]

For some reason some women whole world revolves around her relationship. Explain to her again you need your ME" time to do whatever & try to reassure her its not because of anyone else. And she should also use that time to do a hobby, chores or catch up with her friends. And if she doesn't understand you must tell you have no room for someone who so needy & smothering.

[laninaperdida]

I agree with LoveHurts89:

You need to *tell* her now.

 

I have this problem with my BF:

He doesn't understand that when I don't want to come over I'm not with some next guy or losing interest.

I'm probably sitting around with toothpaste on my face & granny panties.

What's worked for me is to tell *tell* him what I'm actually doing & then see if he wants to be apart of it.

Most of the time, he doesn't want to sit on my marathon of Dance Moms while I squeeze my blackheads.

 

However, your daily routine should incorporate her.

Bring her grocery shopping.

To pay that bill.

Get that thing you ordered.

[nutbrownhare]

However, your daily routine should incorporate her.

Bring her grocery shopping.

To pay that bill.

Get that thing you ordered.

After only two months?! They haven't even had time to get to know each other properly yet!

[-Sanguine-]

I definitely understand that it is important to have time to yourself and you should not be with someone 24/7 - it's not healthy. There need to be boundaries and I see you're trying to establish them with her.

 

I do understand her reaction, though. Two months and already over the honeymoon phase? Perhaps I have different experiences with dating but with my current boyfriend now we still love to be with each other most days of the week and it's been over a year. I guess what I am getting at is that I think eventually couples ease out of the honeymoon phase.. but this time you have not done it at the same pace as her. She is still in that phase and you are not and that is where the conflict is coming in. If I were her, I would be upset too. Not because of the space, but because it is so sudden and since everything was so rushed in the beginning that I would think something is going on or that you are losing interest. I am not saying it is right, but with the way things had been going with spending every night together and suddenly you want to stop - she is feeling like you are losing interest.

 

I think she is not in the wrong here and neither are you. You just need balance and reassure her that you still care for her the same way, but that your chores are being neglected. If she can't see past this then maybe you two aren't compatible in the long run? Just my two cents. Good luck!

[Fantanos]

Thanks everyone for the replies, you all make great points.

 

Also Sanguine you are very much on the right page. Over the past two months we have had some issues, she likes to pick fights, says some mean things sometimes and is very self centered. The way she is is starting to work at me and as much as I really like her and enjoy being with her I am feeling less for her. She is one of those people that you can do 100 things right but the one thing you do wrong is what she will notice. She is insecure as well and constantly questions what I am doing or what is on my phone that is so important. We got into a fight yesterday because I got mad and told her I can't talk on the phone three times a day at work, she thinks I can just sit there and chat with her when is not working, I just can't. I am not ready to end it with her because I do like her and enjoy being around her, I think we need more time to see where this will go. However because of all of this I am feeling overwhelmed and just need a little me time, she is sensing this and trying harder and it is making it worse. I tried last night to explain it all to her and the stuff she says that hurts me... I don't know if she understood or not.

 

We will see how it works...

[ncoconut]

It sounds like she has some pretty bad self esteem problems. If you are doing everything you can to make her feel loved and appreciated, she should understand. just tell her exactly how you feel without mentioning anything about her. Tell her about your stress issues with chores, and that being alone allows you to be calm and get things done efficiently. If you've already done these things, that is all you can do. If she is unhappy with herself, she will never be happy with you, or anything else for that matter... until she works out her own issues.