He's been there all my life...LONG, sorry...

[violetsky]

Hello Everyone,

 

First post, but I've lurked for ages. There is a man in my life that I have known all my life...he was there the day I was born. I have been in love with him since I was about 4 years old, and he was 6. Everyone in my family and his knows how I feel about him...it's not a secret.

 

We've been off and on for as long as I can remember. Neither one of us has ever been married, but we've both come close a couple of times. He usually went for the "barbie doll" type when we were younger, and I'm not that type. I was very heavy when I was a teenager, but I'm getting smaller all the time (I guess now, at 38, I'm what you would call "full figured," and he says I'm beautiful ).

 

The only times we have ever been physical have been when he's been drinking...that's when his guard is down. Those are also the only times he's ever admitted having any feelings for me at all...until this past May...

 

When my uncle died, this man that I loved suddenly appeared from nowhere, offering love, comfort and support like he never had for anything before. He was sweet to me, loving, more affectionate than ever, and we spent a wonderful month or so together...I can't say it was like the old days, because the old days were never like this. He assured me he had left his live-in girlfriend, and that they were never getting back together...they had broken up before, but he never bothered to adamently assure me about it before. We talked about the future, and he alluded to the fact that I was going to be a part of his future. He even brough up the subject of babies. I didn't push, I didn't force any issues, I just loved every minute of being with him...and then all of a sudden, he was gone, back to her, because according to his family and friends, he needed a place to stay, and didn't want to bother trying to get one with anyone else. I don't know...all I know is he left without a reason or a goodbye.

 

This past week, the man I love suffered a heart attack on the job...we almost lost him. When I found out, I rushed to his side. SHE was not there...she was out "getting him some clothes" or some such nonsense. I'm sorry, but I would have SENT for that stuff...I'd have never left his side. When it came time for him to be sent to the nearest major city for surgery, SHE DIDN'T GO WITH HIM...I didn't go because I didn't want to make trouble, but when I found out she wasn't there with him, I rushed there to be with him. She didn't even go visit him up there at the hospital! I cannot believe this woman. I went to him and visited with him and his mom, took him things, fluffed his pillows, etc...all the things you do for the man you love. When he left the hospital there, he went back home because he said he wanted to be "where all his stuff was"...I didn't understand the remark at first, but turns out he had been planning on leaving her before the heart attack! For me? I don't know...but now he's there again...and I'm in hell.

 

I guess my question is...what do I do now? Do I wait, and see what happens? Do I make a move? What do I do? When he was in the hospital, and the time before that when we were together, he told me he loves me...how do I handle this? Do I just give up and let her have him? She's no good for him, she doesn't treat him right, and he was ready to leave...but I'm afraid he'll slip back into that role of complacancy again if I don't do something. I've loved this man for over thirty years...please advise.

 

Thank you...and sorry this was such a long post.

[shana30_1]

Wow, it sounds like you have been through a lot with this guy. I think you should sit down and tell him what you just told us. Tell him you care about him. Tell him that you want an answer; does he care about you or does he not? Tell him you are not going to give him any more chances and that you are tired of his back and forth behavior. If he says he cares about you tell him that you want to be with him, but if he leaves and goes back to that girl i think you should give up on him. After 30 years it must be hard, but thats what you must do. As for his "living situation" why dont you have him move in with you? I hope everything works out!

[ruth1978]

first of all i think sometimes people are trapped into being with someone and maybe this guy is ready to leave her, but then somehow she traps him into staying.

i've a friend who's been wanting to leave his girlfriend for months now, they have two children together and he's very unhappy but daren't leave because he says she'll have nothing without him and will be brokenhearted. now he's thinking of her and her feelings which is nice of him but he's also got to think of himself, people do get hurt it's all part of life but i also feel for the man you love in a way because he's got this home with someone maybe he finds it really hard to leave her, she may have even threatened to end her life should he leave her, as some men and women do do that to keep the one they love. it's also hard for him to find a new place to live, having to move out. but i also think shana has a point in saying can't you have him move in with you?? maybe that's the answer and also it's not like you don't know each other, it's been 30 years i am sure he knows you better than anyone else does and vice versa.

his partner seems very uncaring towards him to not even be there for him at the hospital.

i don't think you should give up on him and stay out his life because 30 years is such a long time to love someone, you'd be throwing away what might be total happiness but then again you do have to tell him how you're feeling and ask what he's going to do about moving out. you need answers because it's unfair of him to mess you about even though it seems he does love you.