Coping advice

[02Merc]

Just fyi, this is my first post here.

 

So..... I really don't know how to go about even talking about all this. I started meeting this girl back in 2003. After a while, we dated and things continued. Two years ago we got married. She's going on 24, i'm going on 26. Things have been going downhill for a while, and a week ago she says she wants a divorce. I got a text today saying she found a place to have a notory watch as we sign off on the papers. She wants this and I don't. I know I have left A LOT out, but I assume people are just gonna ask for certain details anyways. I'm really going through a tough time with this and could use all the help I can get....

 

Thanks

[DN]

Your best way to deal with this is to agree and go ahead with the divorce. Be pleasant and polite, but don't give her anything you should not or is unfair to you. She may change her mind but if she doesn't you don't want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't want to be with you.

[02Merc]

You know, I can understand that. I know what I need to do, but it just feels like it's surreal. Like a dream. How do you just let go of someone? I know there is " other fish in the sea " , but Letting go of someone your married to... Maybe I'm looking for words of encourgement, or the fact that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I just have this lost feeling.

 

I know I need to pick myself up, and move forward. Time being as precious as it is, you never want to waste any of it. I have always tried to do the right thing, through any situation, even if it's more difficult. Through all of this mess, I feel as though the right thing to do is to still show respect, even though I don't believe it has or will be given back. Do I throw myself back into the dating crowd, or is the right thing to do to give it a waiting period? Kinda like saying that you were everything to me, so I am gonna be alone to honor what we had?

[dasilver]

Hi 01Merc,

 

You don't "just let go" of someone you love. You do whatever you have to do to heal.

 

Different people heal in different ways...

 

Some go out and date...some drink...some throw themselves into their work....some exercise....some volunteer at shelters and charity events....some go back to school...some just don't feel like doing anything at all but staying in bed and crying all day.

 

Different people find coping mechanisms to get through a painful break up so that they can heal.

 

You will need to find yours.

 

I've chosen to take this year off from dating....I'm spending time alone....that's how i heal.

 

 

(((hugs)))

[android]

It's difficult. I see your pain 02Merc. I'd tell you to try this again. Talk to her. Maybe you have had issues in the past few years that she has been brewing with. Maybe she just needs an outlet. Maybe she needs to be listened to. She might have talked about divorce coz she might be angry or hurt.. and she doesnt know what to do next. I'd suggest you talk. Take her out for dinner. Then a long drive. If she says no when you say you wanna go out somewhere, tell her you need sometime with her and after that you'll sign the divorce she needs. Dont be pushy. Take her out. Have a nice time. When you're on the drive, ask her what went wrong in all these years. Ask her politely and sincerely. I believe she owes you an explanation. You can have a nice talk, depending on her mood.. Dont forget to tel her that you really love her. Dont sound clingy. Just be cool. At least you know the reason then. if the reasons are solvable, you can try again, give all this another chance and things might work out. Its not like you spent all this time loving and one fine day divorce. Work on it. Good luck. I'll keep my fingers crossed

[Lester]

Divorce sucks! Everybody thinks they understand it till it hits home.

 

She was fifteen and you were seventeen when you starting getting serious?

Were you exclusive to each other?

When did you first have sex?

What were her complaints about you?

Do you think you were you compatible?

 

Most important… Do you really want to be married to her?

[02Merc]

We were exclusive. We at one point had an apartment for about a year and a half. During that time, she had gotten pregnant. I was scared. I had made some stupid and horrible comment. A lot of dark humor involving cheap abortion practices (coathanger). I never drone on about it, but every once and a while, a joke slipped. Looking back on this, I never should have said those things. I understand why I did them, but I shouldn't have. Not too long after, she had made an appointment to have the... thing done. I do feel regret about this. We agreed at the time it was best, and money wise it was. However, I don't think she ever got over that. I kept to myself about that. I honestly felt pain inside, not only for asking her to do it, but for the fact that I had lost....a possible joy. This ended up happening a second time. The pullout out method only works when both partners agree. She wouldn't let me up, so I believe the second time was forced upon me. However, once again, she ended up taking care of the situation and had it removed. I understand that this is a big deal. I don't like the idea of her having to do it, but how much crueler would it have been for us to not have the money, the time, or the adulthood to raise a child? Either way was a bad choice, but I did what I thought was right at the time. I still to this day feel remorse and sorrow over what happened.

 

I said that to say that I don't think she ever let go of that. I understand why, but she blamed me. She said that I never felt loss. That I never was upset about it. I was. I even told her my feelings, but at the same time I tried to be strong, so she would as well. Ever since then I believe she held a grudge. Fights came and gone. At this point I noticed a pattern happening. Even before the pregnancies, when we fought, she closed down and ran. She would go to a friends, to the bar, to some guys house. Before I lost the apartment due to the lack of money, she had moved out. I moved in with my parents, who actually were also getting a divorce. As time went on, everytime we fought, she'd leave. I was upset that she would never talk to me and tell me her true feelings. I know people make mistakes, but aren't we supposed to strive for what's right? The first time she cheated on me, she went to see her grandmother who was in a home. She took her ex with her. We had been fighting. I was told much later that they had found some time to get an up close look at the bushes.... I had never stayed with anyone who had cheated on me. I never put up with it. However, she was different. I loved her. Time slowed down when she was gone and I realized how alone I really was. We continued to fight and make up, time and time again. She continued to go see her friends. The second time she cheated on me, she went to a friends birthday party. The girl who was having the party never liked me and thought the girl I was with and I should split up. After drinking some at a hotel (where the party was), a guy came over we both knew and continued to give her booze until she was drunk. She didn't come home that night. The following morning when she did come home, she was tired. I talked her into some adult fun in bed, when I had found the evidence right where it had been used the night before. Once again was fighting and making up. It seems that is all we did at times. I figured that These friends of hers were no good, and I wanted her to stop seeing them. This was another thing she fought me on. She said I was being controlling because I wouldn't let her go out with anyone. I explained my feelings, that I didn't like her going to the bar with guys, and to certain people's homes.

 

Through one of the uplifting times, we decided to get married. I was willing to let go of the past and just try to love her. It was nice. We got married in a park not far from where we lived. It was nice, although we were both sick. We kept it together through the ceremony. Instead of running off, We were forced to clean up the mess for many hours and around midnight, we finally got to leave. I would have gone earlier, but her parents guilt tripped her into cleaning up the mess. SO.... When we did get to where we were going, which was a hot tub hotel room for 3 nights, nothing happened. We actually ran to 7-11 to get cold medicine. We did what we needed to do on the second night, so it wasen't a total loss. I guess that would have been something I was upset with her about.

 

Through money issues and placement of our cat, we took a chance and moved to colorado with my father. It lasted a month there before her mom was begging her to come home. She actually really told her that if she moved back to her parents, her mom would buy her a puppy. Anyways, my dad starting ranting about everything and how she was no good. About 3 weeks later I left. I didn't want to hear it anymore, and the woman I loved was more important. We worked things out, and like normal, fought again. Moved into my moms a while later. Then issues came when my brother was here, and she moved out.

 

I know that whenever things got tough, she left. We would try to work things out, but it always seemed temporary.

 

In a way, I feel a little better getting that off my chest. A friend told me about his ex, and I realized that it was the same with my wife. She wanted to go have fun, and I was the one to be there for her when she came home. Someone to keep the bed warm. I hate the thought of that, and as hard as it is for me to accept that, I do. I know that this divorce is probably for the best, I just feel like I failed because I couldn't even keep a marrige going. I feel like I let her down that I didn't try hard enough. I know that isn't the case, but once again, divorce sucks. I can say through everything, I will miss her. Everyday that goes buy seems to take twice as long, and the storybook heart from chest is unforgivingly real. I would love to work things out with her. I do want to be married to her, but it's just not what she wants....

[Lester]

02 – It doesn’t sound like you were/are compatible.

Marriage is you, her and God. She wants to include others and you don’t think she should. That’s incompatibility.

 

Some additional thoughts:

 

- Abortion, like divorce is a money making monster that can’t be fully understood until it hits close to home. Once it starts/done the robed wonders/and others all melt away until it’s just you.

As a youngster you made some regrettable remarks/decisions but they pale in comparison to the “industry” that put them in your head in the first place.

Don’t feel too bad… you were very young. Instead, pray for the mature decision makers fates.

 

- Marriage is for marrying people. Marrying people all know that their marriage is about what they do not their spouses.

 

- Typically, because of poor role models, most of us make mistakes. We sometimes marry women who should have been some other man’s wife. (traps and insecurities)

We sometimes marry a compatible woman but treat her harshly, like a man or a procession.

 

What to do?

You can only change yourself! If you want to be the “marrying type” you must marry the right girl and be a good husband. You do this by educating yourself. Books are the best place to start!

 

Buy Gary Smalley’s “If only he knew” and James Dobson’s “Love must be Tough

I read dozens of books but credit these two for saving my marriage. (Never let her see these books!)

(Other posters have great recommendations… keep reading this forum.

 

PS, Can it still work? Of course it can but you must stop looking in her back yard. Change and improve!

PS2, Marriage can never have other people in it! That's not marriage...

[android]

make her read this post.. print it and give her.. This will strike up a conversation.. go on..

[johnchristophe]

Hi, thanks for your information.