Loving Him --

[MadxMythMadame]

My ex is my best friend -- we were previously dating for 4 1/2 years; high school sweethearts, college sweethearts, engaged in the heat of being young, long-distance - the whole shuh-bang. We loved each other immensely, but one day, I realized that he didn't want me too close to his life. I've known that for a long time, but I stayed because I loved him and, as the old cliche goes, I thought he would realize I needed him to need me at some point - that I was stronger than he thought I was, and being vulnerable isn't being weak, or frail. It was the part of him that I really feel for. He's incredibly "together" and stubborn. Can MacGyver his way into and out of anything, cheeky idiot.

 

I asked him why my opinion was never in the equation of life, things like schools, work, where to live, military - and there was no answer. At that point, I knew he wasn't going to change. It's wrong to wait for someone to change when there's no expectation of change on both sides, when its a one-sided affair. I've always known that. I took me a long time to actually do something about it, to make the conscious decision to lose him. Later, I talked to him about it and asked him why he didn't bother to fight for me. He said he didn't love me like that anymore - that one day he woke up and suddenly didn't feel the same way about us.

 

I didn't lose him - we're still very close. If I lost anything, it was love. I miss being in love with him. I recently visited him in Hawaii, where he's stationed. For a few moments, I thought I was falling in love with him again. He's sweet to me like he's always been. No facade of a macho military frat boy. No romance, just comfort. Always looking out for me. If I didn't know any better, I would think he was holding out on me because he didn't want to be in a relationship due of being in the military. (He doesn't take long-distance very well or the idea of the military effecting us - was never one to admit it until the end. The rare occasion he was prideful.)

 

I love him unconditionally. I have a feeling that anyone reading this might think I feel like its unfair to me to be in love with someone who no longer loves me back. It is unfair, but I don't know what else to do. I did the whole NC when we broke up once and that raised my confidence through the roof. He stepped back into my life and it was like walking into a room in shock. Honestly, he's the one person I trust the most. I have a great group of friends that if I needed them, they would have my back and help me out, but he... is something else. He takes me away from all those stresses and all that pain and turns that energy into doing the best with what you have and what you can do with it. He clears my mind and tells me the truth. No advice really. He gives me that chance to make my own decisions without judging me for him. He's my rock.

 

My cousin used to tell me all the time, "You give him too much credit. You're too understanding and too patient to wait for him to be ready." He is a very misunderstood person if people knew how he really was, who sees a monster in the mirror and kind of lost right now. So, what do I do? What the next step to moving on? I have no problems with meeting people; the problem is no one is him and I should be more open to who else is there, but I know who I want, but what do I do? Kick and scream? I think not.

[android]

hmm... One of a kind love... really unique I would say... Maybe he doesnt like the idea of you depending on him.. No, I didnt say you are being clingy.. Maybe he needs the space.. Most guys like the way a girl finds her guy to be the ultimate answer to her problems.. But maybe he feels different.. maybe the relation seems to be heavy on him.. It so happens that when everything seems perfect to us, we dont notice certain things... whats perfect for you may not be for him and vice versa..

 

I'd suggest you should sit with him on a sunday late afternoon.. relax somewhere.. talk to him.. tel him what ur feeling how he is perfect for u and how much u love him.. and take this time to talk to him and find out what kinda girl he really wants.. maybe there were some points in him or his life that you missed in the 4 and half years. Not a crime.. they say it takes a lifetime to get to understand people fully.. maybe more.. no harm in asking.. I suggest you shouldnt let more ice build up.. Talk..

[MadxMythMadame]

I see what you mean, but its tricky. The thing is that he loves knowing that I depend on him. He's told me countless times and he actually wanted less space - which I didn't mind. I think it was the fact that we were long-distance for so long. When we started dating, he was always busy with school and family that I only got to sent time with him once a week and a bit more during the summer. In college, I was too busy. He lived 2 hours away and I was really into building my career and skills. And then he decided to go into the military which made things even more complicated. We've basically been through long-distance hell -- there's a part of you that wonders whether the relationship is worth it, how far are you willing to go. It's something that really pushes boundaries and it takes a toll on anyone.

 

It's funny that mentioned finding out what kind of girl he's looking for. As friends, with my feelings aside, we look out to each other and I asked him the last time I saw him. He has no idea, which was also a factor in why things didn't work out. He has no idea what he wants out of everything, career, relationship, friends, family... I get it. He's young, well, as old as me, but the difference is that us is that I know what I want. It's part of who I am, knowing what I want, I mean.

 

Its not about communication either. We've talked so much about our problems, likes, and dislikes through out the years. We actually didn't fight much. Almost never. We talked it out. Honestly. I guess if there was anything, he struggled with being vulnerable - having to handle everything and anything by himself and for that, I've stopped blaming myself for doing nothing.

 

I think the things is that I know why he's not good for me - he's far from perfect. He doesn't let me into his life and that's a big deal for me. I don't have any regrets about the past. I just don't want hopes for a future with him in it. I want to stop loving him the way I do and what makes it worse is that he's finally talking about things that makes him vulnerable. I love him even more for that.

 

Even if I tell him all this - what do I get out of it but a confirmation? I just don't want to hope for more and come out with less. I don't want to stop being friends with him because we have a great friendship. It would be a shame to lose that -- I trust him too much to let him go...

[mhowe]

Accept that it will always be a close friendship -- and get out there and date.

 

For many guys, long distance is too hard. And for someone in the military, it is hard to put down roots, or commit to someone when you don't know where you will be next year.

 

He has been clear w/ you --- and you know what to do. Let go w/ love --- be in touch, but stop closing yourself off to love w/ anyone else.

[MadxMythMadame]

That does make sense - I talked to him about having these feelings. We both agreed its for the better.

 

I guess sometimes, I get caught up in how much he compliments me, and tells me the next guy is really lucky because I was a great girlfriend. I get this silly feeling he's holding out on me. So far-fetched, really. Plain and simple, no matter how well your friendship with your ex is, losing love is painful -

 

Thank you for the response