How to Deal with Demanding Parents? :(

[FairyGodmother]

I am in college doing a double major in economics and international relations. I am intelligent and have always been a hard worker. However, I do not live my entire life solely to go to class and do homework.

 

I just finished my sophomore year and this past semester I studied abroad in Spain. My mother is a native Spanish speaker, so I am fluent. However, I admit that, never having taken any Spanish classes, spelling and some grammar posed some difficulties.

 

Despite this I did rather well - attended every single lecture, handed all of my work in on time (and not half-assed either), did all the extra credit opportunities that came up. However, because the grading system is different (10% of your grade is attendance/participation, 20% is the work that you hand in, 20% is the midterm and a whopping 50% is the final) my grades were not top notch. I got full marks in all the aspects except for the exams, which I have never been particularly good with. Because of this I ended up getting 5s, 6s, and 7s (out of 10) in my classes. In addition, I need to retake one of my finals because I failed.

 

My parents are very well educated, both having gone to college and grad school. They expect alot from me and my younger brother. Whilst my brother will be going to MIT, Yale or Stanford next year, I attend a relatively unknown college. Although I am happy with the choice I made, especially since I had the opportunity to study abroad in Spain last semester and am going to France next semester (I am also fluent in French because my father is French) my parents see me as a disappointment.

 

I told my parents what my grades were, and that I had to retake an exam and they were angry/upset with me. I know that they have my best interests at heart, but it is really depressing when I have tried my best and not done so well that they make me feel even worse instead of accepting that maybe this wasn't the best semester but that obviously it is be learned from and that's that.

 

My question is this: How do I explain to them that I am trying very hard, and doing what I need to be doing and that it doesn't help me when they yell at me for failing because I already feel bad about it without them adding to that? I know if I was like my brother studying 24/7 never doing anything besides school work maybe I could do better at college, but that is not the kind of life I want. Whilst I go to college to learn, I like to have a certain balance in my life. I don't want to end up like my dad working 12 hours a day. And I'm tired of feeling like some giant failure to them! Please help!

[pl3asehelp]

Do they pay for school?

[FairyGodmother]

Yes, there is no way I could attend college if they didn't, considering it is quite a hefty fee.

[camus154]

Then suck it up and deal with the trade off of having your parents yell at you for less than ideal grades while you go to Spain and France and have college paid for.

[pl3asehelp]

Then suck it up and deal with the trade off of having your parents yell at you for less than ideal grades while you go to Spain and France and have college paid for.

 

Agreed. You could certainly go to school and pay for it yourself. I funded my own education by working and choosing an inexpensive school I could afford, but multiple trips to Europe would have been out of the question. Everyone I worked with for less than minimum wage on the work study program was doing the same thing. You could do the same and then you'd not have to answer to them. They don't sound demanding to me, just trying to make sure their hard earned money isn't wasted.

[FairyGodmother]

Well first of all my college REQUIRES my studying abroad to complete my international relations major. I cannot graduate without doing so. So this isn't some kind of girls gone wild, get wasted every weekend trip. It is me fulfilling what I need to do in order to get my credentials in the field of my choice. Second of all I wouldn't have a problem going to a community college, however my parents consider that "beneath me" and would not allow me to go to such a college because I would apparently be an embarrassment to the family. Thirdly I have worked during my college semesters as well as summers on min wage to fund the airplane tickets and anything else I can pay for myself.

 

I resent the implication that I am being ungrateful for what my parents have provided me with. I am very appreciative of their hard work to pay for my college tuition, but they made the choice to have a child and eliminate the option of going to a cheaper (albeit less prestigious) college. I am doing all that I can to find scholarships etc to ease the burden, and I am doing my best in school so I see no reason for them to reprimand me as I am obviously aware of the fact that my grades are not ideal and plan to do all I can to change that.

[camus154]

Well first of all my college REQUIRES my studying abroad to complete my international relations major. I cannot graduate without doing so. Second of all I wouldn't have a problem going to a community college, however my parents consider that "beneath me" and would not allow me to go to such a college because I would be an embarrassment to the family. Thirdly I have worked during my college semesters as well as summers on min wage to fund the airplane tickets myself.

 

Are you 12? What do you mean your parents won't "allow" you to go elsewhere?

 

You're an adult. You have choices. You COULD choose to move out and go to college wherever you'd like, but you'd have to risk cutting off your parents' support.

 

But so what. That's called life, kid. Life is full of choices, and each choice has a consequence. So right now you're CHOOSING to take your parents' support because, let's face it, you don't want to have to pay for this yourself. That sure would make things a lot harder.

 

And that's fine. But in the meantime, be an adult and deal with the consequences of said choice. That means having to endure the horrors of your parents when you don't bring home good grades. It's a small trade off, all things considered.

[pl3asehelp]

Well first of all my college REQUIRES my studying abroad to complete my international relations major. I cannot graduate without doing so. Second of all I wouldn't have a problem going to a community college, however my parents consider that "beneath me" and would not allow me to go to such a college because I would be an embarrassment to the family. Thirdly I have worked during my college semesters as well as summers on min wage to fund the airplane tickets and anything else I can pay for myself.

 

So it sounds like your only problems are that you you allow your parents to control you ( as long as you pay for your college, what they 'allow' you to do or not do is irrelevant) and care whether or not they think you are an embarrassment to the family. Both things that are complete in your control. Just gotta decide for yourself if your independence is worth giving up their money and support. If they consider community colleges beneath anyone and would see their child as an embarrassment to the family for attending one, they sound like they have pretty screwed up values and probably aren't doing you a whole lot of good controlling the purse strings anyway.

 

I didn't go to community college and don't advise it unless an in-state public 4 year college isn't available where you live. That's the best value there is in education right now.

[FairyGodmother]

You COULD choose to move out and go to college wherever you'd like, but you'd have to risk cutting off your parents' support.

 

Yes this is true, but not only would I be cutting off my parent's financial support, I would be cutting off any connection to my family. They would no longer wish to be a part of my life, and that is not something I want because they are my family and despite our problems I love them.

 

So right now you're CHOOSING to take your parents' support because, let's face it, you don't want to have to pay for this yourself. That sure would make things a lot harder.

 

I'm not sure where your need to be rude comes from, but besides that I'm not sure you have any right or sufficient information about me to make that judgement. Certainly having my parents pay for college is easier in the financial aspect, but I have no doubt that if I were to pay for my own college tuition I would find it less emotionally stressful and would opt for that if it did not involve estranging myself from my family.

[FairyGodmother]

I didn't go to community college and don't advise it unless an in-state public 4 year college isn't available where you live. That's the best value there is in education right now.

 

After a quick search I found that for an academic year, the total cost of full-time undergraduate enrollment is currently $20,660 at my in-state public 4 year college. Whilst this is about half my current tuition, I would unfortunately still be unable to pay for this on my own.

 

Also, as I have stated I recognize that my parent's vision on education is slightly skewed, however I know their ambition for me is in my best interest and therefore do not want to punish them by severing ties with my family. I simply wanted to know if there was any way I could let them know how adversely the pressure of trying to live up to their standards affects me, but from the responses I have received it would seem that I am not in a position to do so.

[pl3asehelp]

After a quick search I found that for an academic year, the total cost of full-time undergraduate enrollment is currently $20,660 at my in-state public 4 year college. Whilst this is about half my current tuition, I would unfortunately still be unable to pay for this on my own.

 

Also, as I have stated I recognize that my parent's vision on education is slightly skewed, however I know their ambition for me is in my best interest and therefore do not want to punish them by severing ties with my family. I simply wanted to know if there was any way I could let them know how adversely the pressure of trying to live up to their standards affects me, but from the responses I have received it would seem that I am not in a position to do so.

 

Have you applied for financial aid including the Pell grant and researched taking out student loans? Pretty sure 20K would be doable with those things at your disposal, so I wouldn't take this option off the table unless you're just not interested in going that route. You don't have to sever ties with them to make your own choice to go to a cheaper college - just tell them you've decided to pay your own way and that you've chosen a different school. If their reaction to that decision is to sever all ties with you, then they are out of their minds and certainly do not have your best interests in mind.

[Firiel]

Here's what I would suggest-- I would tell your parents that you tried your best this semester (from your post it sounds like you did), but I would also say something to make them feel better about your future grades. It sounds like the different grading system as well as your lack of familiarity with the technical aspects of the language took you by surprise. So think about ways that you can combat that to get better grades next semester. That doesn't necessarily mean spending all your time studying and no time socializing... that just means being smarter about how, when and what you study. I wish I could give you actual tips, but I'm not familiar enough with the school system or the issues with language you deal with. One thing that always helps is to start studying early-- as in the beginning of the semester. Go over your notes at least once a week for an hour. It doesn't add much time, but it can help make sure you really grasp the material.

 

I also grew up with demanding, controlling parents, and I know how tough it can be to deal with them. A lot of times it's easier to just go along with them to avoid rocking the boat. Just don't be afraid to make the best decision for you. I've had to really separate myself from my family, and it sucks, but it's better than being held captive by their desires and expectations.