HELP!!!

[MattTheStudent]

So yeah my girlfriend and I broke up a couple of weeks ago and we haven't talked at all. The relationship ended in a fight that got physical on both of our parts, but not hitting- I grabbed her and she clawed my face; I know I shouldn't have touched her and I take responsibility. My brother and asked him to relay to me that she doesn't want me to contact her in any way. We had been together for two years and things had been getting worse lately- she had been on my case alot and I wasn't very happy, but I thought that things would work out. This fight really opened my eyes and I haven't called her at all. I emailed her twice BC her grandma was in the hospital and I just wanted to offer my support. She basically said thanks I'm fine. So yeah now I just hurt inside but at the same time it's very reassuring to know that I can take care of myself, which I have been- I've been going out alot and making new friends and trying hard to make me feel good about myself. Everyone I know thinks I'm a great guy and loves me, and I get hit on alot, but I have self-esteem problems, and when my ex was harsh on me it really affected me negatively. I was no angel, but I guess I thought that things would work out. I had asked her if we could go back to couples therapy(she walked out a few months ago and left me stranded there) and she always said no, and I urged her to go back to her therapist and she said no. Now we don't talk anymore and she doesn't want me to call her and she's been doing things like taking me on and off of her IM buddy list, so that sometimes I see her online and sometimes not. We haven't talked on IM, but I feel like she's messing with me. We have no common threads(we live in towns miles apart, I go to a different college, no common friends nearby(we have mutual friends but they live in different states), so that's not an issue but I just feel really sad alot of the time. To be honest, before we broke up, I was unhappy for a very long time, I felt that she wasn't attracted to me anymore, she's been pretty depressed for awhile, and alot of girls I know really like me and I would never ever cheat on her but I wondered what it would be like to be broken up. I guess I just wondered, I didn't want it to really happen, and now it has and I feel sad and kind of alone. What I miss most is not having someone to hold hands with, share my travels with, be intimate with(not just have sex with). It hurts me that she doesn't want to talk to me at all, but in my mind I know its better for both of us. I haven't really spent much time on my own since we've been together- we've talked like pretty much everyday for the past two years, and slept apart maybe 18 days total this past year. Anyway I am just feeling alone and back and forth on what I should do, and how I should feel about her. She's been pretty harsh to me for awhile, but she didn't used to be, and I guess I've been waiting for her to go back to the way she used to be. Can anyone help me with some advice or support? I just really need someone to say, "Yeah I went through something similar," and tell me about their experience- I need as much advice and insight as possible.

[raccoon]

What struck me about your post is when you said you have no common threads. That's where I am too. On these message boards people often express sympathy for people who have to be in contact with an ex because of work or school etc. Really, I'd give anything for that. Like you, I haven't had any contact with my ex for a while. And the way we left it I think it's evident that we'll never hear from one another again. That hurts more than anything.

 

But since we gave up trying to be "just friends" things have gotten easier for me. It's cleche, but it's true. You have to delete her from your buddy list so you don't see her popping on and offline. That only forces you to think about what she's doing at that very moment. I feel for you, I really do. You gotta keep doing no contact. You gotta have those lonely nights. But take comfort in the fact that you're not a loser. Right now, literally millions of people are sitting at home alone. Not just the people on these boards, for every one of us on here, there are hundreds of thousands more also having a lonely Saturday night, pining about that lost love. None of us are alone.

 

Good luck.

[antigone77]

Hey Matt --

 

I'm sorry you're feeling so down. I know I felt (and still feel) like an amputee now that my ex and I are no longer together. I mean, you give your heart and soul to a person, and you invest yourself 100 percent in everything they do, and you do it all together so it's really friggin tough to suddenly have an empty socket where that was. Especially if you've had it happen before.

 

But I guarantee you'll start feeling better. I know, everybody says that, and when people say it to me, it's damned hard to believe some days. But about a month and a half out, now, I'm starting to at least feel human wheras before I was about one negative thought from playing chicken with a Humvee.

 

It'll get better -- especially if you start creating a new world to live in. Are there friends you go out and do fun stuff with? Is there a job you've always wanted but never pursued? Is there stuff she wouldn't let you do or didn't want to do, so you ended up not doing it?

 

Doing that stuff might make you feel happy for a few brief minutes. Or, at least not sad for a few minutes. Sometimes, that's all it takes ya to make it to bed that night feeling "okay" rather than "warmed-over chittlins."