7 yr relationship, he moved out and mind games

[heythereinsd]

Hello and Happy 4th of July.

 

I am hoping someone can shed some light and give some guidance. My BF and I have been together for over 7 yrs. After a dating for a couple years we purchased a condo together and things were pretty stressful with newly living together and the stress of noisy neighbors, 5 yrs later we built a house. All the stress made us miserable so he came home from work one day and said he was moving out. Packed some stuff and left.

 

A couple days later he came back for a few more things. He said he couldn't stand coming home anymore and doesn't miss me at the moment. The really bad part is, he left when I am already at my lowest He said he was hoping it would be my rock bottom and only go up from here. I asked if we could still work on things while we are no longer living together. He said he would be open to the idea but didn't see any hope (in the past I was easy to upset and let anger take over because of all the stress). I asked how he wanted to proceed because I didn't want to invade his space. He was unsure so I made a joke and said "ok, so when is our next date?" He said "maybe next weekend." He said I could let him know how I was doing and so on. So I did a couple of times via text and he responded with keep positive and glad you are doing better.

 

The weekend came and he texted that he wasn't sure about this weekend, I responded back with "ok, I'm going to the fair so it would have to be Sunday", he texted back and said "ok, sunday maybe." Sunday he texted and said he was having stuff delivered so wasn't going to make it and maybe this week.

 

Monday he texted and asked if he could take the spare bed, when he got here we talked again about things and I told him that if he didn't want to be with me he needed to be honest with me because I don't want to go through this hurt twice. He said he still didn't miss me but didn't tell me it was over either. We talked about doing something in two weeks. When he left we hugged, I said I love you and he replied "I know you do". I though i would get a text or email that night saying it was over but I didn't. I am already heart broken so there are no more feelings to be spared if that's what he is trying to do.

 

Now it seems he is either playing mind games or trying to tell me its over by having some contact via text but then not responding to others. He knows this drives me crazy and the texts are not asking him to come back, talking about relationship or anything. Like will our dog be staying with me when you go on trip next week (we had talked about it before) and If your not doing anything tomorrow, you can come by, bbq, watch fireworks and p/u such and such that he needs. They are legitimate questions that require a simple yes, no or IDK. NO RESPONSE.. ARGH

 

Anyway, I am just really confused and at a loss. I really want us to work and if it takes him living somewhere else, fine. It gives us both a chance to heal and work on our issues. It took both of us to make what happened in our relationship happen.

 

Just a little more information. He doesn't like things that are difficult, not the romantic type, been in 2 serious relationships- one with me the other wanted to get married and he was with her in high school and through college. He dated some girls between his ex and I. He is in his 30's me 40's. He has never lived on his own (roommates or me). He says he not cheating, he hasn't taken all of his stuff like important paperwork, awards etc (not even his espresso machine or BBQ). Hasn't done a change of address (at least not yet).Still helping with mortgage but wont tell me where he moved to.

 

I want him back, I love him and don't know what to do or what he is trying to accomplish

[BlueRose66]

Its hard for you to know if he wont communicate with you. Perhaps, he doesnt know what he wants yet and you need to see this as a separation that may become permanent or may be able to be worked through. Often we need time and space to see things clearly. Is it possible for you to be OK with not knowing what he wants for now.

 

If you want him back I suggest that you google Al Turtles web site as it has some incredible advice from a therapist whose words may really be of huge help to you now. Dont wait- do it now. There is even an article titled what to do when he/she leaves you.

 

link removed

 

Keep us posted. This is the best advice I can give you and I think if you read the site mentioned through and through it will help you very much indeed.

[heythereinsd]

Is it possible for you to be OK with not knowing what he wants for now.

 

Thanks BlueRose I will check it out I am ok if he truly doesn't know. But since he moved out the way he did I don't know if he is playing me when he says it. Actions speak louder than words. The non response issue when he knows it's killing me tells me he is trying to punish, test or blow me off. That hurts! I say if you love someone and need space say it. I am ok with the space (maybe not in the past), Now I feel some space is needed for us both to heal and grow, but I have heard sometime NC can backfire- Out of sight out of mind.

[Ms Darcy]

What do you want from a relationship? Take him out of the equation. Do you want marriage and a commitment? Do you want a family?

 

After 7 years if all he can give you is no response then I think this is a pretty good sign he is not the person to give you what you want.

[heythereinsd]

Wow, BlueRose thanks for the website information. I can't stop reading it I have already started the -what to do, he wont talk- before reading the website I feel good that I was already doing what he suggests.

 

I just read the Map of Relationships-Blind Alleys and I wish I could get my BF to read the divorce lessons section because I told him that very thing in a lighthearted way... that we will take our same issues to the next relationship so we may as well fix them together. We have come this far and have done so much together. I don't think he believes that this is true research with valid points.

 

Anyway it's Thursday and he said we can do something this weekend so we will see what happens. He does need to pick up something but I am already thinking he will try and pick it up and think of a reason to not go through with our fun day with our dog. Trying to keep calm and not pushy.

[heythereinsd]

What do you want from a relationship? Take him out of the equation. Do you want marriage and a commitment? Do you want a family?

 

After 7 years if all he can give you is no response then I think this is a pretty good sign he is not the person to give you what you want.

 

Thanks for your input For me I never thought of having a family and at my age, well lets just say I am past that stage. lol...... I also knew his past with ex wanting to get married and I really never thought marriage was a must either. I know many people that stay together for many years without getting married. Some times though I do feel like why doesn't he want to marry me or even put a commitment ring on my finger then I remind myself he loves me enough to stay with me this long, he loves me enough to put up with my flaws (well did), he loves me enough to build a house together. Why have a piece of paper? Marriage is just as easy to end in my eyes. People always getting divorced after just getting married, including me. eeek

 

Now as for the sometimes a response and sometime not, since he knows it hurts... I don't know why he is doing this. Does it mean it's not going to give me what I want in the future? Maybe it's because of something I did to make him do this? Most likely, but I do know that for all his faults and all his wonderful qualities, his qualities win! I want to work on it with him. He is a really good guy and if we could just communicate better etc. I know we could make it work if we really tried. Maybe I am just foolish and in dream land. hehe

[Ms Darcy]

This guy is in his 30s. Guys can be far more romantic than we give him credit for and I know very few men who aren't actually interested in marriage and a family ... with the right person.

 

I am curious if you really know his own desires. Does he want a family? Because if that is starting to come up for him, then you might not be right for him. And I would bet these questions are coinciding with him meeting another girl.

[Sapientia]

Its not mind games. He just can't be honest with you. He packed up and left w/o consulting with you. That speaks volumes, I am sorry to say.

[heythereinsd]

Yes, in his 30's and he is not romantic, wasn't in his last relationship and wasn't when we first met and here we are almost 8 years later. I don't think it's because he's not "with the right person", his dad is pretty much the same way. I just brought it up here to give some insight on his personality. He doesn't want a family, he's more of a traveler. His brother is happily married and they are not planning on kids either. He hasn't met anyone else. He said he is not cheating. I believe this. He generally is not a liar. He didn't tell me he was moving when he did because of past experiences with me. I don't blame him!

 

in my eyes when you are really done with someone:

 

1. You would take all your stuff even if it's your house too. Why leave anything important behind-He has his own place now.

2. Tell my ex that we need to figure out what to do with our properties etc.

 

and I would expect that he would remove himself from the cell phone family plan seeing how it's in my name and get his own. Maybe even get his mail forwarded to his new place etc.

 

Maybe I answered my own question, maybe he is just confused and not sure what to do.

[heythereinsd]

So last Thursday he texts and asks if he can come pick up his mail because he would be in my area playing ball. I said that I was just leaving and I would be home around 8. He replied ok, after. I expected him to say, I have the key I'll just go in and get it. Anyway, he got injured and was in a bad mood when he came. He asked a few questions about the 4th and what I have been up to, I was being positive and telling him all the things I have been doing, he seemed to get more agitated. I mentioned that I was excited to see our pup this weekend and he didn't say anything (he had said he was willing to see me once a week and this weekend we planned to take our dog to the beach). I let it be. He left and I hugged him goodby.

 

Saturday I heard nothing and Sunday I asked about his finger, he said he needed to see a specialist. I said do I get to see you guys today, he said not today. I replied back saying that he is leaving in 5 days (company trip) I haven't seen our dog in almost a month, these minds games aren't going to solve anything, if he wants it to be over, say it and we need to figure out how to proceed on the house. Otherwise if he just needs time away say it. I will give hime the time. But he needs to stop telling me we can do something then make excuses when the time comes. Because it's cruel. No response. He leaves tomorrow for a fun company trip and I usually go with. I am not able to pay next month bills and I am freaking out because he can't man up and tell me what's going on. Sorry, I just needed to vent.

[Ms Darcy]

I would suggest reading the book "Uncoupling" ... I think you should operate under the assumption that he is gone.

 

What's going on with the bills? Why can't you pay?

[heythereinsd]

Thanks, I will look into that book

 

I can't pay because I am self employed and my business has been suffering due to the economy and non licensed people undercutting my prices. I was also unable to promote for new clients because I was on site during our home construction. Home building is stressful enough then add 12 + year business suffering contributed to my stress and anger making him leave He is paying the mortgage and knows I don't have enough to pay my car payment let alone the usual.. water, electricity etc. He also told me not to sell my car because I need it for my business and offered to help but hasn't offered any money. I don't want to ask for money or show my stress and make his decision to leave more validated.

[Ms Darcy]

So, you are in the middle of home construction? It looks like that would need to stop now right? And perhaps you'll have to sell and downsize to something you can afford to be in alone.

[heythereinsd]

So, you are in the middle of home construction? It looks like that would need to stop now right? And perhaps you'll have to sell and downsize to something you can afford to be in alone.

 

No, it's already done and since we built cheap our mortgage is actually cheaper than rent and bills are at minimum already. I am just going to tell him I need the help he offered and tell him I will get a roommate in the meantime unless he wants to come home. Argh, I just wish he would stop all this nonsense.