6 months on...

[EmergenC]

Well, i'm about 6 months or maybe almost 7 now on from the breakup initiated by her. I was her first everything. we were together for a little over 3 and a half years.

 

Our relationship could have done with a little spring cleaning, mostly bits of complacency from time to time that had crept in after living together the last 2 years. But to all other intents it was great. By far my best relationship. Lots of adventures together, showing and taking her to things and places she'd always wanted to see etc. We very rarely fought, although it did build gradually the last 6 months when she was taking me for granted and I could feel her heart just wasn't in it.

 

She was hitting her "college" phase that she had missed out on. She was starting to be drawn away into the world of other opportunities now the world was opening before her. New friends and parties, alcohol and being crazy etc etc. I being older of course was past this phase. In some ways, it almost felt like she regressed while we were together. But I understand, it's something she's never experienced before coming originally from a small town with little to no social exposure.

 

Looking back now, if we were on the same page in stages in life. The small problems we had relationship wise could have easily been ironed out. I think we were just spending too much time around each other. A little week or two apart would have freshened things up and brought perspective. But coupled with the stage she was hitting, GIGS/sowing your wild oats, whatever you want to call it. With the two combined it was too much for her to handle I guess so she bailed in quite a cold manner considering all the loving years we had spent together. Text message dumping and no closure talk. Talk about feeling discarded after being so deeply emotionally attached. I was blindsided of course. I could see our relationship problems, but compared to anything i've experienced before, there were insignificant. Like I say we could have easily brushed passed them. I guess I just wasn't aware of how much of a pull this "other life" and new world she was now discovering had over her.

 

Looking at my own life I should have been more self aware. I remember breaking up with my first high school/love after 2 years for no real reason other than I wanted to see what was out there in the big wide world. I wanted to hit up parties with my friends. There was that nagging thought in the back of my head of "is this it?". So I can at least empathize to a degree with what shes going through.

 

We have had no contact all this time pretty much apart from the first 2 weeks when I was obviously trying to save it. But not in a desperate fashion. I was giving her space and trying to act calm. But I did unload one night in tears and of course from that, I don't really feel bad, because at least I showed I was human and I gave a damn. Been pretty much no contact since this entire time since last contact in january when she emailed after almost a month NC just about nothing really. I responded, but it was clear she was sidestepping any talk of us or how I felt about things so I went back into NC.

 

I had found out she had started seeing another guy a week or two after we broke up. That hurt at first. I assumed it was a rebound. They had been together only a few short weeks when she had to leave my city and go miles and miles away to a new city. That left them long distance, I later found out (stupid friends text messaging me, couldnt believe they would tell me this) that about a month or so ago she had dumped that guy and moved straight onto someone else in the new city she had just met. I guess the distance must have not worked and she needed someone. I know she can get very lonely and sometimes painfully insecure. My friend who told me seems to think it's another rebound since she couldnt rebound properly with the first guy after moving away, so the moment she found someone else she pounced. I don't know if this is true or not and I try not to go down that line of thinking because it's not helpful for my healing. But if the whole rebound reverse psychology theory is going to ever play out I don't think it would be for a long while yet. She was forced away from rebound guy number 1 and only just picked this one up. On top of this, she has never dated around before. Never seen what's out there, so I don't think she would beging to appreciate what we had as a couple until she's been fully through the mill with someone else. And i'm not talking about a rebound, I mean actually falling in love and having a genuine relationship with someone else. To see and discover that everyone has flaws, no relationship is a cake walk. It takes effort from both parties. She had a hard time understanding why she didn't feel the butterflies like in the beginning with me after a couple of years together. And I tried to explain to her that that was the "honeymoon" stage and our relationship had evolved passed that into a deeper connection, and that's kind of how it works. On top of the fact we were together practically 24/7. But again, this is something we all learn from experience, it was very hard to explain things to her verbally in that sense. Because we all go through those learning experiences with relationships, but it's a process. We don't learn by being told or by reading, but by feeling and experiencing.

 

And thats kind of where my story is now. I've been steadily improving. It still feels like a long road to recovery, but it's all forward progression so far. I would still love a second shot with her, because we really did fall deeply for one another and it was all so effortless and easy for such a long long time, really until that last 6 months or so. We had everything in common, but ultimately were on different pages and her wanting to stretch her wings go wild and party was a big strain. I still need to put in a lot of work to detaching myself more emotionally. I'm glad I have managed to stay strong and not contact her. In this situation it would not have helped to pursue I don't think.

 

She knows how I feel, that was made clear. But I can just see and feel from her that she wants to explore, and that's understandable at her stage in life. It's been hard however that she hasn't once reached out to at least say thank you for all the times and the memories. I took her on so many adventures and things she wanted to do and see, and it's been a tough pill to swallow that she hasn't seemingly glanced back once after all our time together and how deep we fell for each other. Is it her age? Feelings of guilt for being so cold and callous after she had decided she was done ? Is it that she is now distracted with a new city and new friends and now a second new boyfriend/rebound ? I really don't know, maybe a shade of all three.

 

I just know I do need to work harder at letting go, because no matter how much I felt we had a great connection and great times. The fact is she walked. At her age and stage in life, in some ways it was always an inevitability. If she ever glances back eventually at what we had, I don't think that would be for a long time until she has more life and relationship experiences under her belt. She has nothing to compare and contrast what she had when we were together. It's almost the only adult life she has known.

 

So there you go, for anyone that likes to follow stories. Or for people in the future that click around on peoples profiles looking for the "fuller picture" from start to finish. That's me bringing things up to date so far.

[stabilo]

Sorry to hear of your sad news OP. I actually can't believe how much of a parallel your story is to a break-up I went through a few years ago. You seem to be very level headed and in tune with your inner logic. Keep up the good work, and I'm sure you'll heal fully soon enough. You never know what is around the corner, hopefully some happiness for you.

[EmergenC]

Sorry to hear of your sad news OP. I actually can't believe how much of a parallel your story is to a break-up I went through a few years ago. You seem to be very level headed and in tune with your inner logic. Keep up the good work, and I'm sure you'll heal fully soon enough. You never know what is around the corner, hopefully some happiness for you.

 

Thank you. It can be difficult though when you try and apply logic to emotions, the two just seem to love to conflict all the time. I guess that's one of the humps in healing!

 

After 6 months in any of my other relationships, whether I was dumped or done the dumping. I was no longer looking back, it was always forward movement and the past was gone, dead and buried. But this one, the feelings between us ran so deep. We were so entwined and for such a long time, just that last 6 months I felt the pull away from her end. We really have been on such an adventure together, seen so much & shared so many moments, and I honestly feel in time she will see what we had. In all my 14 odd years of dating and relationships, this one has been head and shoulders above it all. I thought we were rubber stamped for a lifetime of bliss, but what naive thinking of me. I was only seeing things from my point of view and not thinking I was her FIRST EVERYTHING.

 

Every appreciation in life comes from comparing and contrasting. It's just human nature that given nothing to compare to, we eventually grow tiresome and look around. I read an analogy somewhere that stated something along the lines of "If you had only eat rump steak everyday for your entire life, you'd eventually want to taste a hamburger". It just made so much sense, but then there's that logic conflicting with your emotions, so it takes time to digest.

 

And of course, for something with no guarantee I can't emotionally remain attached to her. I have to move away from that for my own sanity. And that's where this long slow healing process comes in. Especially because, I don't really date casually. I always wait around for the right person to come along. I've never slept around, I just don't see the point or feel the need.

 

I would love to know your story, is it on your profile ?

[stabilo]

That is one thing that is almost impossible to balance 100% - fighting logic against feeling. I think our logic is easier to apply to what someone else might be feeling, rather than our own mode of thinking. If we could use logic to that effect, we would be able to heal so much quicker. I know I have a hard time balancing it all, you certainly seem to be more capable than me from afar.

 

I think the type of break-up you've just had draws every ounce of energy out of you in the beginning. Its the type of relationship you may always think about, because from a logical point of view, you know the reasons for it to end were weak and ill-timed. That deep connection you describe is so rare. I don't know why people allow that to go to waste. Its such a human flaw. I don't think you were naive to think the way you did. You were led to believe that from the connection you felt. That connection was real and like you said, the best you've ever had. I don't doubt for one second that she thinks about you because of the connection you shared. I think that life pressures can interfere, and especially the 'come down' effect of the so called 'honeymoon period' too and that it may be a long long time before the OP has look back at what they've walked away from. The thing is, you can usually only ever see life from your own point of view because when it comes down to it, you'll should always do what is best for you. You're always encouraged to anyway. You were blindsided (just like me also) so don't beat yourself up about not seeing things from her point of view - she probably never did either, otherwise she wouldn't have looked for 'greener grass'. But again, using your hamburger example, its another human flaw that may never be (and perhaps also from other points of shouldn't be) rectified. Its sad. You seem like a good, honest, decent person mate. I have my fingers crossed things work out for you.

 

I will send you a small PM re: my story. I just had a look at my posts and I wasn't quite as level headed as you after 6 months.

[unhappy2000]

My story is somewhat similar in that he left to be young, not really to be young but to find out who he is. He did his college thing but at 27 felt he was still too young to be responsible which I find amazing as I don't think 27 is all that young considering he did the four years of partying in college but whatever. He suddenly doesn't know who he is, what he wants to be when he grows up, etc. He also said he doesn't think I am the woman for him because of our age difference even though he's deeply in love with me and will always love me.

 

That hurts, he just walked away and it's as of today...been 8 weeks NC on both ends.

[SAButterfly]

I'm close to seven months out and I'm still not sure why my ex left. He gave me a slew of reasons- my faults, lost spark, I was his first serious girlfriend and he wanted to date other girls, etc. etc.). It's so annoying because I know what we had was good..or at least it could have been if we had communicated better and worked through things. But he wasn't willing to put in the effort and I have to just keep reminding myself of that. I can't be with anyone who can so cut ties, run, and discard me from their life so easily. Fellow dumpees, we ARE good people with A LOT to offer someone. I heard a good quote recently: "I do not want anyone in my life who doesn't want me in theirs."

Sorry for my ramblings!

[howdoifeel]

wow man,

 

Thanks for sharing that. I posted a story a few days ago, and again i read something with so many parallels. Age, living together, connection, uni. Dont feel it happened to just you, as I am beginning to find that its not just me. You sound good dude, hope I can get to that positive perspective.

 

Good stuff, you'll be ok

[EmergenC]

I'm close to seven months out and I'm still not sure why my ex left. He gave me a slew of reasons- my faults, lost spark, I was his first serious girlfriend and he wanted to date other girls, etc. etc.). It's so annoying because I know what we had was good..or at least it could have been if we had communicated better and worked through things. But he wasn't willing to put in the effort and I have to just keep reminding myself of that. I can't be with anyone who can so cut ties, run, and discard me from their life so easily. Fellow dumpees, we ARE good people with A LOT to offer someone. I heard a good quote recently: "I do not want anyone in my life who doesn't want me in theirs."

Sorry for my ramblings!

 

If it's any consolation, and I don't mean to give you false hope or anything but my first serious relationship went something like this...

 

I was about 19 when we broke up. We had been together 2 years. She hadn't put a foot wrong at all. For the last few months of the relationship I saw all my friends partying and stuff. I was getting peer pressure to a degree that being in a long serious relationship at my age was something negative. Eventually I wanted out. I was too young and inexperienced to be decent about anything, empathy was a trait I don't think you truly develop until your early to mid 20's. I was cold. I had a lesson cancelled and went to meet her at her block she was studying and saw her chatting to some guys I knew liked her, it was innocent, they were in the same class.

 

That was the moment I needed and I broke up with her there and then, pathetic. I just wanted out. Several weeks I got jealous when guys were swarming over her and I wanted her back. Got her back, broke her heart again when I realized in the space of 24 hours this still wasn't what I wanted. I am a long long way from that kind of person. Like I say, at that age, empathy was something that I lacked in a big way. I was narrow minded.

 

I can say, I left that college and moved to another. Too much fallout and stress from the breakup. I partied around, kissed a few but never met anyone I truly sparked with and as the next year or two ticked by I actually started to miss my ex. I reminisced about our good times together and what we shared. I started to see that finding someone you really click with, isn't so easy. This was pre facebook, social media etc days, so I had no easy way to reach out to her. Her parents I was sure hated me after breaking her heart twice. So the years ticked on by and nothing happened. But if it was today, with facebook and all the other easy means at our disposable to nonchalantly reach out with little effort and without putting your neck on the chopping block. I would have reached back out to her.

[sushigirlie]

i totally agree with this post. I have had this happen to me before. i dumped about 4 times and i really missed a couple of my exes after my future relationships didn't work out. I looked back with fondness on the bond that i've had with two of my exes. I once got dumped and a guy later on crawled back to me 2 years later and then 5 years later. Even now, 7 years later, he keeps checking in with me and requests friendships on facebook.

 

Sometimes you don't appreciate what you've had until it is gone. I have since learned my lesson and appreciate people in the present instead of later.

[SAButterfly]

That is so interesting! We're a little older than you were; he's in his mid-20s now and I'm a couple years older but I was still his first serious girlfriend. It's like he wants to see what else is out there- sleep with more women, even though he's told me recently that he hasn't dated anyone except me.

Like your situation, he broke up with me and I was hurt...then a couple weeks later he told me he had made a huge mistake, only to change his mind 24 hours later. He has definitely lacked empathy throughout this whole thing, blaming everything on me and never once asking how I am to mutual friends, etc.

It's just so weird... he tells me that I'm the one woman he's most comfortable around, that I know him best. When we're together, I catch him gazing at me, but he won't act on anything. I'm not sure if he's scared or if he legitimately doesn't want to be with me anymore. In the meantime, I just keep pushing forward.

[unhappy2000]

Yes same here, he had his "first love" prior to me in college, but then just me there was 2 years between us because he said it's so hard for him to find someone he "clicks with". Yet he let me go...I really think he will be sorry some day but after 8 weeks of NC from him I have to think he's made up his mind.

[EmergenC]

If he's feeling anything like I was, you really are going to have to let him go for now. He has to come around in his own time.

 

After I broke up with her if she had stayed in touch I really don't think it would have served any purpose. In the longrun I wanted her to reach out when I was coming around, because I was so afraid and a bit embarrassed about all of the destruction I caused. I was too ashamed. I kept trying to orchestrate scenarios with my friend who had a car at the time in order to run into her but it never worked out.

 

Like I say, in this day and age though with all social media, it's not a fear. There's multiple ways people can reach out if they want to with minimum effort and exposure to any threat or embarrassment. It may have fizzled out over time for me, over a space of say 3 years. But if I had an option like "add friend" on Facebook, I would have definitely reached out. I was timid though, so in a way I would have expected her to read between the lines somewhat. I think that's the thing people don't think about with dumpers. Even though they might have broken hearts and been a bit crappy along the way, to expect them to come crawling up on horseback and get down on one knee apologizing before riding off into the sunset is madness. Theres too much guilt for the damage you know you've caused on top of the fear of embarrassment if you find out they've moved on and don't feel the same way anymore. So I think I would have tested the waters first so to speak.

 

Nothing would have changed though until I reached that point where I started thinking back about things for myself. Her being in contact before that point would more than likely have served no purpose. It might have kept her fresher and more prominent in my thoughts sure, but I still wouldn't have valued her until I reached the point I did all by myself. In time, I came around to that line of thinking by myself, without anything from her. She hadn't spoken to me once since I dumped her the second time.

 

So no contact really serves it's purpose. You can't risk emotionally sitting on a knife edge, hoping they fall one way. You have to protect yourself. The fact I was left alone to my own thoughts mean't that gradually in time I began to value her again. When reminiscing I valued what we had, and thinking about the present and knowing I knew nothing about what she was up to again lead me to a sense of mystery and wonder about her. In time I started to value her again when over the breakup I didn't at all. The attraction started again precisely from that point. Value and respect. Once she gained those again she began to become alluring and attractive to me again. And the important lesson ? She did nothing to earn my respect and nothing to gain value in my eyes. I placed those assets on her again by myself in my own time, through my own thoughts.

[unhappy2000]

So how long til you would have been ready to add her as a friend in Facebook so to speak if it was around?

[EmergenC]

So how long til you would have been ready to add her as a friend in Facebook so to speak if it was around?

 

I think it was about 12 - 18 months later when I started reminiscing, so I guess from any point onwards from then perhaps. It's hard to remember precisely.

 

It was a good 2 years, maybe more later when I was actively thinking more about genuinely wanting to pursue her. I just didn't have a way to do so I guess. And my life was changing dramatically around that time so it became history when I moved to another city and I never looked back, I got swept along into a totally different life then and started new relationships.

 

Just to add... I was genuinely shut down from her when I broke up with her, especially the second time. I felt like I was burning all my bridges by getting back with her then dumping her again less than 24 hrs later. I was completely checked out and uninterested. It took time, a long time for me start desiring her again. And remember, she did nothing in the meantime. I heard nothing about her since leaving for a new college I had a completely new social circle. It was my own thoughts that eventually placed value on her again, which lead to respect, which lead to me feeling attracted to her again.

[brian12345]

I definitely can relate to this post, I'm 4 months post-BU but my ex fit the same profile as yours, and she left for me the exact same reasons, except no rebound that I know of just "needed to see what else was out there". It definitely sucks!