How much longer do i wait on her?

[DrkRaven]

I’m posting this here rather than the LGBT forum, because is more of a race issue than a lesbian issue in our relationship. If I need to move it please let me know. Sorry its so long.

 

So I’ve been with the same woman for nearly two years, our two year anniversary is in August. We’ve been at a stagnant place in our relationship since last November. I want her to move in with me, she can’t due to her family not being accepting of our relationship.

Now, it’s not entirely due to the fact that we are both woman, its more because I am African American and a woman. To put it bluntly her mother said “why couldn’t you bring home a Lebanese woman. Why a black woman?” They aren’t jumping for joy that she is gay, but that she isn’t with another Lebanese or white woman is the major issue. My fiancée is from Lebanon and she and her family moved here about 9 years ago.

 

They have some pretty stereotypical views of blacks, most of which I could deal with if my girl would just get a backbone and stand up to them for me. She won’t. Her brother and mother are the ones with the most issues. Her father is more of an “I don’t care” man, except with her brother says something then he agrees.

 

We had a great couple of months when her mother and brother were overseas. It was me and her and her dad was here. No fights, I was able to visit. I could take her out. Had dinner with them. He got to know me; it seemed like everything was fine. There was no sneaking to see each other, if she wanted to stay the night at my place she could. I even helped out around her parent’s house when her mom was gone cooking and helping her dad with laundry (hey kept putting wrong colors together in hot water making them bleed lol). It was great.

 

Then her brother returned and I guess he “knocked some sense” into her dad because now she needs to go back over to Lebanon and marry a man (her brother is saying this not her father, he is simply agreeing). He has picked out a man and says she has to go back.

Apparently in the culture the brothers, once adults, make most of the family decisions.

 

This relationship is so complicated because I begged her to move in with me months ago, she didn’t. It was supposed to be November 2011, and then march 2012, then June 30th 2012 and the date keeps shifting. I even offered to get my job transferred to a client of ours out of state if she liked. I don’t know if I should continue to wait.

 

Not mention her family has been in financial trouble for a while, and I’ve been giving her money to help, not just a little either. Thousands. I’m tired of loaning money to support people who don’t respect me or her. They say things to her like I’m trash and I’m poor (I’m 24 with a 6 figure salary and live in a luxury condo), she isn’t a good person etc. her brother flat out in a group of people talked about how blacks do nothing but steal etc. I was livid, but I didn’t say anything because she asked me not to. Yet someone stole an ipad from there house and he first accuses me (turn out a friend of his did it) but I’m loaning them money for bills every month. Of course they don’t know the extent. Only her dad knows about some of it, but she hasn’t don’t them about the rest. And they thing she paid me back…. I dunno

 

I’ve told her I don’t mind helping them, but something has got to give because I can’t keep doing this while not even getting to be with her like we both want. I told her if she lived with me I wouldn’t let her parents need anything. I’d help them financially for as long as she needed.

 

Thing is she stood by me for the 6 months it took for me to get on my feet when my mother threw me out for being gay when I chose to be with her and leave a huge part of my life behind (I was raised a Jehovah’s witness). I wasn’t in a good place, I was homeless living on a friend’s couch in a shady neighborhood. But she stayed with me until I got my life together and now its better than it was before.

I feel like I need to do the same for her, but its been nearly two years of us being in a relationship. The rest of my family adores her( I had family…wasn’t close to them before due to religious standards). My dad thinks the world of her. So do my sisters.

 

How much longer do I wait.?

[RedDress]

I agree that this is a post more about racism than anything else... I think it's in the right place!

 

So... I think the crux of your problem is the brother.

 

Let's talk a little about racism. This is probably going to come out a little politically incorrect - but please try to understand the overall point of what I am trying to say. I'll switch races to reduce the emotional impact. As a disclaimer, I do not believe any of these things, they are simply being used to illustrate a point.

 

There are three types of people in this world. There are hard-core racists, there are moderate racists and there are non-racists. Let's say that all mexicans are lazy (I don't believe this...)

 

Non-racists will not even really register that the person is Mexican. Maybe on some surface level... but not really. The mexican will be treated the same as every other race.

 

Moderate racists will start with the idea that all Mexicans are lazy. But... when confronted with a mexican who is NOT lazy and with enough repeated exposure to that person, many moderates will alter their view to "All mexicans are lazy... but THIS one is ok".

 

Hard-core racists will say the mexican is lazy even if they watch them work their butts off right in front of their eyes.

 

This brother? He is not moderate. He's pretty hard-core. For him to think that you stole from the family, after repeated exposure to you and with your even financially helping and supporting the family? This guy is pretty ignorant and he's not going to change. He has no interest in changing. Ever.

 

So... that leaves things to your girl. She is clearly very close to her family (racist or not). Her brother WILL make it a take-it-or-leave it scenario if she stands up to him too much. He will! That is why she is hiding your financial involvement and downplaying your role.

 

I really think this comes down to a you vs. her family choice for her... This is why she is trying to juggle.

 

Personally? I think you should leave. I don't think it's going to get better. And if you are worried about your loyalty since she helped you out in a tough time... I think you fulfilled that obligation. I think you've MORE than shown that you loved her and genuinely wanted to be with her. I think you've done right by her for sure. Now it's time to do right by YOU and find someone who will publicly acknowledge you and your relationship... You deserve that too.

[DrkRaven]

Thanks, I was afraid i posted in the wrong section and thats why i didnt receive any answers.

 

I've thougt of leaving her, even had a couple of friends tell me that is been very long. however I dont know how i could wake up in the morning and breath knowng i left her. I love her and planned on spending the rest of my life with her. its just the last few months ive begun to feel like a fool who is just being taken for granted.

 

Ive been wanting to go on vacation for a couple of months, and she told me go alone since she couldnt. I dont understand how i would want to canoe windsurf or scuba dive alone. But we cant go anywhere together. The last place we went was a weekend downtown in teh city we live and that was hard enough. Going out of state is nearly impossible.

How could i stay to leave her? What would i even say?

[poetryandlyrics]

I agree with RedDress. This is a very challenging position to be in that would offer you no benefits at all. The family is certainly set in their ways and your girlfriend seems to want to keep the peace with them rather than a future with you and happiness for herself. You need someone who is willing to step into the future with you, move on towards it. Breaking up seems the best option. I'd just be honest and say that you need someone who is willing to do things with an aim for the future with you and in support of each other, not just you to her, but both of you to each other because that's how good relationships are.

[RedDress]

For the vacation? That's pretty severe if she cannot share some vacation time with you (maybe because she's hiding you?). How about going with friends or with a tour group? Or if you are single, you can go with a singles group. Or perhaps there is even a LGBT geared company or group that has vacations like this too? You'll really have to look around. But again... wouldn't being single be better than being with someone who is not present? At least then a singles group becomes an option! She is not committing AND she is holding you back. That is the worst of both worlds...

 

To leave, I would simply tell her the truth. That you love her very much. That you don't doubt her love for you - but that a relationship is about MORE than just love. It's about companionship. It's about shared activities. It's about building a life together. It's about shared goals. She isn't really free to share those things with you... so she isn't really free for a relationship. Wish her the best but tell her that for YOU, you need to move on now. You need to find someone to share those things with.

 

She's not dumb (I assume). She knows that she is not giving you all that she should. She also knows her hands are tied - which is heartbreaking for her. But... it is what it is.

 

Once you are free, you can find the one who WILL give you those things. And you will be able to breathe. More so than right now. You just need to find your stride...

[DrkRaven]

So i did tell her how i was feeling and she said "they wont talk to me if i leave" and i didn't know what to say to her. its like she knows that she isn't going to be able to give me what i want i want in a relationship. Ever.

 

And she just said "well why don't you just leave. i'm sure there are a lot of girls that would want you." I told her because of my heart. I don't know what to do. I'd feel like a complete ******* if i just left her after all this time. i'm not happy, but know that she is going through a lot trying to decide. i feel bad if i push her. I honestly feel like a horrible person when i tell her that i want more and she says that she is doing all she can.

How do you ask a person to leave their family for you if they don't want to yet they say that they do?

I feel its selfish. Sometimes i wish she would just leave me so that at least its not me making the choice for her to choose me or her family.

[Kaytie]

I'm a mixed race lesbian and I have to say that I could never, ever be in your position, in love or not. I have zero tolerance for any kind of racism (my maternal grandfather didn't come to my parent's wedding since he couldn't stand that my mother married a black man) and I am quite vocal about it if I am ever on the receiving end of it. Same with homophobia.

 

I would personally feel that I was doing myself a disservice if I tolerated any kind of hate from my partner's family (or anyone for that matter). I would likely feel that I was handing over self-respect and condoning it by not speaking up. I am fully, completely aware of Lebanese culture btw (dated a Lebanese girl in high school and knew her family very well) and I still couldn't be with someone that allowed me to be treated that way or who couldn't stand up to her family. My Dad's side was difficult to stand up to culturally so I have lived that experience and am not just talking out of my rear here.

 

It sounds like you truly love her and that she is truly torn about things, which is why she is likely saying things like do what you want, etc. She does need to make a decision at some point though. It's not fair to you. I know you love her, but wouldn't you rather be with someone who is open, proud of who they are and doesn't come from a family where you have to be exposed to hate? Being a lesbian of colour already means you are in a double jeopardy situation with oppression. I know you love her and I can fully appreciate her position, but you also deserve to be happy and out - proudly.