Forgiveness...

[Lovestoned26]

I am in need of a little forgiveness advice...This is something I've never done before so the process as to how I go about this is not at all clear....

 

My girlfriend and I came to an understanding 6 months ago about a woman that has caused major problems in her past relationships & sought to be an issue in ours. The understanding was that all communication was to come to an end between them. This agreement was the result of this woman once again saying negative things about my gf and I and our relationship, making my gf cry in the process. Needless to say our agreement was that if she were to communicate with this woman again our relationship would come to an end.

 

Fast forward to our vacation this past May, I found out were communicating via text up until a week before our vacation. The way that I found out was even worse, I was talking on her cell phone with her mother and when I hung up I realized her text messages were open and I saw the woman's name along with the date of last contact. She wasn't even gonna tell me that this woman contacted her. I even asked her if she had remembered our agreement and she said she FORGOT!!!! Who forgets a promise that they made to the woman they love?!!!

 

We talked it out after I cried for like an hour however, it's been more than a few weeks and I find myself remembering that day and the hurt that came along with it. I bring it up to her and her response is "I thought we talked this out and we are moving past it?"

 

How do I move past this? How do I forgive?

[jaciej]

Sounds like she is play dumb and being manipulative with you... If it was so innocent why didnt she at least mention that she was on speaking terms with this person. I don't know the background and seriousness to all this. But you have to decide whether this is a deal-breaker

[mhowe]

She broke your trust. That's big.

 

Now, she's apologized and you have talked it out. Can you believe the apology was sincere? Or are you thinking that she is only apologizing because you caught her?

 

To forgive -- you let it go. Don't focus on the past -- but the present and future.

 

However, this seems not trivial. And you told her it was a dealbreaker ---and she did it anyway. And only admitted it after caught.

[lukeb]

It is a tough one, you probably shouldn't have made her promise that she wouldn't talk to that person, if that is what she wants to do. A person should be able to talk to whomever they want and personally make that decision what is best for the relationship. You're both adults not children. Her not talking to that person shouldn't be because its what you want. If you are both on different planes on what is best for the relationship then it is that that is the problem not the promise itself. So yeah I disagree with the people who replied.

[Kaytie]

That would be a deal breaker for me. Lying by omission is still lying in my books and I expect 100% honesty from my partner. I don't deal with hiding things. Whether she wanted to continue to talk to her or not is not the issue - it is the fact that you trusted there was an understanding between the two of you and she hid it from you knowing how you felt about the situation.

 

If she truly DID want to continue speaking to her then she should have been up front and honest about it and not promised to cease contact. Or, if she changed her mind she should have raised the issue and been open with that communication.

 

Hiding things - not cool.

[jaciej]

[ I]"Needless to say our agreement was that if she were to communicate with this woman again our relationship would come to an end."[/i] quote

 

They both agreed to not communicate with the other person. I dont get the impression anyone or any individual was forced.

 

Why would she be so sneaky about it and now acting dumb? Why not be upfront

[lukeb]

I agree with the points you are raising Kaytie, but to me it goes towards how much control do you want to exert in the relationship, does the one partner get to say who your friends are who you socialize and talk to? I do agree that the partner should have said you don't get to say who I talk to, if that is what I want to do. Yes that promise never should have been made, it is likely the promise was made to diffuse an argument, but not that it was something the partner believed in. Not all friends need to be mutual in a relationship, although friends need to be respectful of the relationship, the bottom line is the partner needs to see that for herself.

[Kaytie]

^^ and if you don't follow through with this you may have the issue of her thinking that your words don't hold any water. She may think it's okay to do something similar again and you won't actually leave.

 

You teach people how to treat you.

[Kaytie]

I agree with the points you are raising Kaytie, but to me it goes towards how much control do you want to exert in the relationship, does the one partner get to say who your friends are who you socialize and talk to? I do agree that the partner should have said you don't get to say who I talk to, if that is what I want to do. Yes that promise never should have been made, it is likely the promise was made to diffuse an argument, but not that it was something the partner believed in. Not all friends need to be mutual in a relationship, although friends need to be respectful of the relationship, the bottom line is the partner needs to see that for herself.

 

It is not about control. It is about dishonesty (in this case). I definitely do not think a partner should dictate who someone's friends are.

 

However, if my partner tells me that someone in my life makes her feel uncomfortable then my concern is for how she feels. My partner would never tell me not to speak to someone, but I can then take her feelings into account (and I do and I have) and then I decide if I want to cut contact with that person. To me it is not about control - it is about one partner expressing her concerns about something that is bothering her. I have no problems at all changing my behaviour to make my partner feel secure. So far, I have never been asked to do something unreasonable since the concerns were valid. I see that as loving my partner and not being controlled by her.

 

She raises the concern and I make a decision based on that concern.

 

In this case, the OP's gf was lying by omission. She was dishonest.

[lukeb]

When forgiveness is easy it isn't really forgiveness, where forgiveness is possible there has to be extenuating circumstances on both sides. Can you forgive someone for breaking a promise, yes it is possible especially if it was a promise that never should have been made in the first place. Yes the partner needs to be forgiven for making a promise and breaking it, and by the way forgiving someone is not the same as saying what that person did was ok. I think you have to look at the whole picture and circumstance, and not zoom in on an particular action without the context in which it happened.

[lukeb]

It is not about control. It is about dishonesty (in this case). I definitely do not think a partner should dictate who someone's friends are.

 

However, if my partner tells me that someone in my life makes her feel uncomfortable then my concern is for how she feels. My partner would never tell me not to speak to someone, but I can then take her feelings into account (and I do and I have) and then I decide if I want to cut contact with that person.

 

 

Exactly .............

[Lovestoned26]

So Luke what you're saying is that I should never have asked her to cut communication and instead should have expressed my feelings giving her the control as to whether she was okay not communicating with this woman?

 

The thing is my girlfriend is a people pleaser and chooses above all odds to see the good in others, a trait that can be a downfall at times. This woman has caused endless pain over the course of 6 years but my gf chooses to ignore all of this and continues to remain friends with her. It makes me beyond uncomfortable that she can't see this and move on from a dead-end friendship.

 

So what do I do with my discomfort? Ignore it?

[mhowe]

You act as an adult and ask that your gf do the same. Express concerns -- and yes, give her control over her life. It is not yours to control.

 

You don't ignore your discomfort. You express it. The response you get from your gf w/ regard to your discomfort is something to evaluate.

[Kaytie]

You don't ignore your discomfort. You express it. The response you get from your gf w/ regard to your discomfort is something to evaluate.

 

Bingo. This is the piece that you need to determine, OP.

 

All I can do is tell my partner if I am unhappy with something. If she chooses not to change her behaviour (which is well within her right), then I will make a decision in response to hers. That's all I can do. I can express my concerns and feelings and then decide if her decision is something that I can live with or not.

 

Personally, however, I would never do something that would hurt or upset my partner if I had any control over it. But that's just me. My priority is her and how she feels. In my case, I already know I am not with someone who would request/state anything unreasonable so I take her feelings very seriously. If my partner raises something with me I know she's been thinking about it deeply and I know it's not an attempt to control me or my life.

[lukeb]

The thing is my girlfriend is a people pleaser and chooses above all odds to see the good in others, a trait that can be a downfall at times.

 

It sounds to me that there is a lot of room for forgiveness. Good luck.

[Lovestoned26]

Thank you everyone for your input...Your posts have been unbelievably helpful. I've made the decision to forgive and let go of the mistake that was made. I have never forgiven anyone for hurting me and I believe this is a good place to start, given how much we love each other it's well worth it.

 

Again, thank you....

[Wayfara]

I think it was wrong of her to lie to you but I kind of agree with lukek in that I don't think it was promise that should have been made in the first place, she may be a people pleaser but she is still an adult. Also a promise like that was kind of bound to be broken if the friendship between them was any strong. She should of course have told you she still wanted to stay in contact with her but you say she is a people pleaser so she might have said she wouldn't in order to please you or in the heat of the moment when she was angry with the friend.

 

I don't know how bad this friend is but not all friends will like the partner of a friend and women's friendships can be filled with drama. For some they might look like dead-end friendships but for those in the friendship the highs might compensate for the lows. All you can do is try to accept the friendship or hope your girlfriend will get enough. Though you say in the first post that if she were to communicate with this woman again your relationship would come to an end. Do you still feel this friendship is a deal breaker? If the friendship is truly poisonous and affecting your relationship as whole then you might still consider breaking up over it.

 

Anyway what I find the most worrisome isn't that she couldn't or didn't want to keep her promise but that she went behind your back communicating with her without telling you.