Me and ex are talking, now what?

[detox5]

Shall i just let her make her mind up, on if she wants to get back together, shes very happy at the moment, with her job and with her friends, so why would she want me back?

[DopeStar]

If you want her back your gonna have to let her make the move, or atleast let her insinuate it but its up to her, be cool and act like her friend not her boyfriend.

[Heartagram]

I don't know, me and my ex are talking again, mostly because I've been easing back in. Sometimes if the other party is emotionally inexpressive it might be necessary for the "dumpee" to make the moves at reconciliation. It's strange but it seems to be the case in my situation.

[idontgetit]

notice it's always the women on this side of the fence of the "emotionally inexpressive" what's up with that??

[Heartagram]

Nooooo it's the man in my case...my ex is emotionally inexpressive for many reasons it seems...hild of divorce, too much on his shoulders, etc.

[detox5]

Well we spoke some more, she seemed alot more comfortable with me to talk to me online, i asked some things in my own way and she didnt run.

I will just take things slow, when is the time right to ask if they would want to get back together, when is the rite time, I dont want to ask her out on a date, I just wanna come out with it, at one stage.

[idontgetit]

heart,

 

no i mean the women are always stuck with the men who are emotionally unexpressive.

[Mix Maxster]

Because the guys who are emotionally expressive do it either too much, too soon or do it in a way that scares them off.

[detox5]

hmm u guys arent focusing on the topic at hand.

[craigblitz]

Well the topic at hand I have avoided because I think you approach is just flat out dumb!!! Harsh yes, but this would be a mistake man.

 

" dont want to ask her out on a date, I just wanna come out with it, at one stage."

 

I really hope that was a joke!! You are just now talking to her online.... and you are just going to be like so we are a coupel again. What????? I hope it works out for you... but through experience it does not work that way. You have to date her per se again. Not even date go out and have fun with her for a while. I think my ex and I have gone out like 20+ times before we decided to try again....

 

I wish you the best but I fear your all or nothing will blow up in your face. Read the post that are hear... do not push her away.. if for the first time you actually see her not some idle online chat bs and ask her to change her mind, have her admit she was worng, she can never be without you just like that then I commend you.. that would be a hell of a transition....

[detox5]

Im gonna take it slow, we are talking, when i am ready i will ask her to meet maybe, but i think when i am ready, i think it will maybe be a good time to ask her about her feelins maybe, I just want her trust for now, yoru right, im not gonna blow it and yes i think I will maybe go out with her a few times, so we can enjoy each other alone and see if its really worth it again.

[detox5]

criag i didntr understand ur last part about making her admit she was wrong, frmo there on, could u explain.

[craigblitz]

ok harsh again but i am being honest.. I do not think you are ready to see her. You still want to talk about feelings and so on do NOT do this till she brings it up. Do not cotnact her, do not ask her out, you do nothing.... NOTHING let her do all this.... Let her feel like she has control of the situation.. pushe her and she will go and she will go far....

 

All I am saying is this is going to be a long a$s process. This is not a week, 2 week, month type of thing. If you have no patience now then you should not see her...

 

Like I said do not initiate nothing..... but you will I am sure.. When you talk to her online you will talk to her about us, I can tell, so do not say you were not warned....

 

Good Luck

[cmacey]

Please listen to what craigblitz said. You probably shouldn't even be meeting her at this point. Before you can even have a normal conversation with her, you have to be out of the phase where all you want to talk about is your feelings and your relationship. I will re-emphasize this, do not be the one to bring up feelings etc. If she wants to talk about it, let her bring it up. Otherwise just act happy and that's your best gameplan for her remembering how much she loved you.

[detox5]

craig and other guy, youve helped me out a bunch, you have made me alert this time. Ok so i am talking, and I would LIKE to meet her but im not ready like you say. We had a great convo yesterday online and she seemed alot more comfortable talking with me. So you said let her have control of the situation, I really wanna know how to do that, shall I do NC again, or let her do all the work. Its soo true that I have to make her feel shes in control, it just seems right, but how do i do it?

[craigblitz]

We had a great convo yesterday online and she seemed alot more comfortable talking with me.

 

GOOD!!! Keep doing this, keep doing it until her guard is down... when she is ready to talk about "us" she will. All you have to do is keep going on with your life without her. When you do have interactions just be yourself, not too attentive, but not cold to her. All she is at this point is an aquantince nothing more. Give her nothing.

 

Your job is simple at this point bro:

1.) Take care of you. Go out on dates, run, lift, anything that you want to do. She should be near the bottom of YOUR priorities right now.

2.) When you see her convince yourself, fake it I do not care but she is nothing more then a friend to you. Do not say you miss her, lover, want her back any of that junk... Let her drive it, and when she does say it jsut act cool and be like thanks.

3.) Do not call, text, IM, send emails, anything.. you DO NOTHING. Let her initiate all contact, ALL CONTACT that way there is no question that she wants to talk to and so fourth.

Good luck

[detox5]

Why cant I even IM her, we are on talking terms though, so your saying i should go NC again?

I dont know why I cant talk to her online? Really confused at that part

[antigone77]

I don't think he means to ignore her if she contacts you.

 

Maybe you should just respond when she contacts you and not try to contact her.

 

My 1 1/2 cents.

[detox5]

But why, i dont understand, she sent me a email appologising i replied, and about 2 weeks later I just messaged her online. It doesnt seem right if i just go on and let her contact me, she didnt before, shes stubborn at times, plus we are on talking terms and it seems ok, wont this push her away more, wont she think "well i thought we were gettin along ok, why is he not bothering now?"

[shockeddismayed]

But why, i dont understand, she sent me a email appologising i replied, and about 2 weeks later I just messaged her online. It doesnt seem right if i just go on and let her contact me, she didnt before, shes stubborn at times, plus we are on talking terms and it seems ok, wont this push her away more, wont she think "well i thought we were gettin along ok, why is he not bothering now?"

 

Detox5

 

In hindsight (ahh hindsight) there are two simple reasons why you can't be contacting her (ie YES go on NC in the sense that you do not initiate):

 

1) You asked earlier how you can make her feel in control of this process? Well, letting her lead the contact is the A#1 thing you can do. It's called "comittment to action", the more you force her to make some small steps toward what she wants, the more she has invested in the process.... as she continues to contact, and you continue to respond slightly positively, she will increase her pace until she is ready to POUNCE on what SHE wants. In this way, you haven't pushed what you want on her... you've allowed her access to what she wants. Imagine trying to get a little animal to eat bread from your hand. What happens if you run up to it? Exactly. Now you get the first reason.

 

2) The second reason is about you. I talked about "committment to action" on her side. But if YOU are the one who is doing the contacting, it is "committment to action" on your side. So with each small move in her direction, you get more invested, and have more to lose if things don't work out. That would be ok if you ultimately were the one who was allowed to say "ok, I'm ready, I'd like to try again." This unfortunately is not (yet) the case. Consequently, you must NOT invest in the process.... at this point it is HER process. She owns it. You can only respond to where she leads it, not try and direct it yourself.

 

But here is the bigger part of #2. As Craigblitz said, this is going to be a LONG process. If you expend energy and patience now, while she is CLEARLY not yet ready, you will get exhausted. It takes energy and patience to send an email or text and wonder if/when she will respond. The risk then becomes can you maintain your patience without getting angry, frustrated, fed-up while she takes her time and drags things out? Most people can't... and I would say that this is the reason for a lot of the "missed opportunities".

 

Think about this like a marathon..... she's jogging now, but once she get's toward the finish line, she'll start to sprint. But you are miles ahead of her right now... so you have two choices. You can sprint around in circles until she catches up, and then hope you have enough energy for the last dash to the finish, OR, you can simply jog very slowly and give her time to catch up.... once she catches up you can both run accross the line together.... I think the choice is clear.

 

Remember, she might be moving toward getting back together yet, but she's NOT THERE YET. You are ALREADY there, so you need to "stand still" and don't let your mind trick you that she is ready until she comes out and screams it more than once.

[detox5]

I know shes not ready, But i feel that the more I talk to her the more she will trust me more, everytime i DID speak to her I would say I still like you etc, I want to get past that barrier and show her that this time it WONT happen. I dont think that if i leave contact up to her she will come running or even contact me. she didnt do it last time, well thats a lie cause i did PURE nc for like 8 weeks and she turned around and emailed me and said sorry, I just think that if I just disapear, if thats wat ur asking, it will just end up with NC for a while again, I have no reason to do so, and i think i am making progress with her by talking to her online, online is the only aplce i see or would here from her, theres no way she would ring me yet.

[lazyrunnerz]

Okay, so wow. They've given you really good advice. My advice is to do exactly what they told you. I was at the point where you are now. We were thinking about getting together again, and he said we'd see when I was home for fall break. I did what your impulse is to do. I wanted to talk about feelings etc. He did too, when he was on medication, but when he was off medication the next day, he shut down again. I flipped out instead of acting like it didn't matter to me. Now we are in a major war zone I'm thinking. So yes, if she wants you back she will initiate contact. You don't do anything. Let her come to you

Mine had started contact, and as soon as he started it, bam I was expecting everything to go back to normal. Put your feelings aside as much as you can while she works out hers. Be strong and be patient.

[detox5]

Lazy just one final word, I will and AM being patient, shall I disapear and do NC so its easier for her to work out what she wants. Or shall I be more availible to her, the only way we contact for now is online, shall I just wait for her to contact me and stuff, and be more availible online so the choice is there for her?

[craigblitz]

I think what people are saying is let her contact you. You do not adjust your lifestyle schedule or anything for her. I would even suggest that you not appear online. What is going to happened when you see her online and she does not conact you? Are you going to break and continue to contact her.

 

You said something that was really interesting to me, you said she might not even contact you. Well if that is the case then I think that is telling sign that she does not want to get back together yet, don't you?

 

The BEST thing you can do is give her all the space time and freedom she needs. Let her contact you. This shows she is interested, gives you an opportunity to build positive moments, and shows her that you care. Trust me this is a win win win by you backing off. When I stopped contacting my ex and made myself a lot less available she did start to call more and more, she still had things to work out but I knew for a fact that she was the one thinking of me, and so far things have worked out great between us.

 

Good luck detox, none of us are saying NC will bring her back, but it is the best for you in the long and short run.

[detox5]

This is so difficult, not for me but the situation, I understand what your saying, but for one, if she doesnt want to talk to me, then why am i on her list and I can clearly see her. 2nd why did she send me a mail appologising, I know shes online but its when shes at work, it seems as if something is there and not quiet right. When we do talk she does have time for me and she does say im busy give me a sec. But this is the only way she would contact me, I dont want to be online and show her im there, cause ive adapted to NC so well and I kinda like shutting her out.

But I really have to kinda think of her, what if she wants to talk, but is not ready, not sure, thats why im online so im there if she needs to say hi, if we were friends she would make the effort easy, so it seems more then that, see what i mean, its a hard situation everything everyone tells me, are all options I can take. I think im gonna be patient see how things go, build trust, and if i get no joy im going NC.

Im fine, I dont need NC to heal, it will be more of a case of doing it for her, me not being in her head so she can think of me off her own back, and not think of me just cause shes seen me online, get wat i mean.