counseling - does it work? what does it consist of?

[eltee]

I have a friend who has been married now for a little over a year, and knew his wife for 7 years before that. Bottom line, things have gone sour, and he doesnt want to be in the marriage anymore. his wife's family is pushing him to seek counseling with her... and he feels like he owes it to her and her family just to try it, even tho he doesnt want to, because he feels like its just a bandage over a gunshot wound.

If he goes into counseling with her, how long does that process take? what do they discuss? is it worth it? is it a temporary thing that makes everything seem better, but then just goes back to its original state of misery?

has anyone gone through this or been in my friend's shoes?

[DBL]

I did the counceling thing in two relationships.

 

I went to counceling with one for about 7 months or something like that. Counseling doesn't always work the way we want it to work, sometimes you find out that maybe you really are not made for each other. In my case, that was the result. We eneded up both agreeing that through counseling we were not made to be together. Plus it is tough to have counseling when one does not want to participate. If he is not interested in doing this it may be a waste of time(or maybe not).

 

On my second relationship that we had counceling, we used a minister...I'm not religious, but she was. It ended up either going there or she was leaving...so I gave it a shot. Not only did I give the counceling a shot, but I almost gave the minister a shot(but he wouldn't stand up). I believe that minister will think twice the next time he tries to disrespect someone. So make sure they stay away from church counceling. Especially with the moron that tried counceling me. A week later my wife left anyway.

 

To answer the rest of your questions...

 

1. How long does the process take?...could take years, could take one day like above.

 

2. Is it worth it? Isn't anything that you invest time in worth a try?

 

3. Is it temporary? Most peole I know who went through it, eventually split later on. Everyone is different. You cannot force someone to love another. Maybe try a hyptnotis.

 

4. Your friends shoes? Yeah I think a lot of us have been through the same things as your friend. Fortunately for her, she has a good friend like you to show support.

 

DBL

[sisterlynch]

I think it is a good opportunity for you to show her and the family that you have used up your options.

 

You can do counseling as much as you like. Let her go to the person for a while and then set up a time when the two of you can go together.

 

It may feel uncomfortable to be less in control of the situation, if you are used to being more in control...I think it is worth it to take the time to make things ok for her. She is the one that will need the support without you in the relationship with her.

 

Take some time to clear up all the issues in your head before you go in to the counseling session.

[Princess777]

I have been through it a few times and the first time it helped me individually as a person to get to know myself better and WHY things weren't working. We did end up splitting but he had already cheated so go figure. It did help me tremendously though, even though it didn't help that particular relationship, it helped my future ones.

 

The second time, we are still reaping the rewards and we are still together. It makes a HUGE difference if you get a good counselor too, they are all different, use different techniques, and some are definitely better than others. My advice is for him to first decide if he can talk to a male or a female more openly about all of his secrets. Then make an appointment with a person of that gender. Go to one visit with them, and if it just doesn't feel right, try someone else until he finds the best fit.

 

I would never discount the advice of going to counseling, it DOES help and it will help if he finds a good one.

 

I hope he can mend things with his wife.

[OldGuy]

I went to counciling with my wife 10 or 12 years ago. It helped us a lot, we were having lots of issues. I feel like I went into it determined to work with the councilor as best I could, and from the results I know my wife did too.

 

We ended up getting her treatment for depression, and a period of no contact with her mother. Yeah, it was that bad. But it helped her a lot, and even made it possible for her and her mother to almost like each other before her mother passed away.

 

Mostly, what I got out of it was some pratice at communicating clearly and dealing with negative emotions. That has helped our relationship a lot too.

 

My thoughts,

1) like most things, you get out of it what you put into it. If hes not willing to do some work, don't bother.

2) finding a good counciler is important. The guy we had was good, except he would never talk loud enough. But, my wife picked him and I don't know how.

 

It took about three or four months once a week. My wife's treatment for depression went on for several years, but that is a different thing.

[tv is me]

My wife and I will have our 5th counseling session Friday. Is it working? I don't know. I think she's going just to say she went. She wanted out, not me. It doesn't work the way I thought it would. I pictured us going on a set appointment, like every other Tuesday at 3, or something like that. It's been over a month since our last visit.

 

We've discussed communication, which my wife won't do when it concerns our future. She gets upset and puts up a defense. It's partially faith-based, but not affiliated with any religion. We really like the counselor, but like I said, I don't think my wife and I will stay together, even though I've done everything asked of me to get our relationship back on track.

 

She told me in June that she's been unhappy for the last 4 years, which if she was, she deserves an award because I didn't see it coming. If you go in with an open mind and not pointing fingers, you'll be better off at least knowing what to work on. Good luck.

[sisterlynch]

Is she seeing someone?

 

The counseling will only work if she takes it seriously.

 

You should tell her to knock off the little attitude. You need straight answers.

 

She is just waisting time!!

[OldGuy]

The counseling will only work if she takes it seriously.

You should tell her to knock off the little attitude. You need straight answers.

She is just waisting time!!

 

I agree, counseling will only work if both people want it to and are willing to put some effort into ti.

[tv is me]

I don't like to judge people, but she used to be on meds for depression. The doctor told her she had been falsely living (i.e. making everyone else happy) and she needed to stop it. She quit taking meds about a year ago. At times I don't even know who she is. It's very difficult to see your relation that you cherish so very much just get chipped away as the days pass.