LTR - Severe Guilt

[charlridge]

Recently made the excruciating decision to end a 10 year (non-married) relationship. It was particularly difficult because we really didn't have any significant problems. We had similar interests and values, enjoyed spending time together, and lived together for over 7 years. Our sex life has tapered off, but we still have our share and are attracted to eachother. We have both been monogamous. Sounds great, right? So why break up?

 

I have been unable to commit to marriage (what she wants) due to a general sense of the old cliche, "something missing". I entered this relationship immediately after another long term relationship (big mistake), and never really gave myself a chance to heal/grow. Despite there not being that special spark early in the relationship, we had great physical chemistry and had fun together. Despite recognizing this "missing" feeling early on, I got emotionally attached and comfortable. From there it's just been years of me trying to fight through it (and no, I do not know exactly what "it" is).

 

The next logical question is, were you honest with her about this, and why didn't she leave? The answer is I was open about this missing feeling, but I reassured her that I would work through it. This has been the ongoing cycle for us. She get's frustrated, I try something different (therapy, etc.), but I'm still stuck. Despite the frustration, she sticks it out, hoping I'll finally figure it out, making the time she has invested worthwhile.

 

After 10 years, despite the great parts of our relationship, I'm just emotionally depleted from not being fully present. We both want closure, good or bad. We decided to move apart (physically) in an effort to shake things one way or another. After some time, it became apparent that nothing was going to change. Things were still good, but no progress for me on the stuck front.

 

Recognizing this could go on for another 10 years, I recently made the decision to finally end the relationship. Hardest thing I ever had to do. She was devastated, and I feel extreme guilt. Guilty for not recognizing the critical flaw in my feelings for the relationship much sooner, guilty for leaving someone who has been nothing but loving and supportive, and here's the big one, guilty for having persisted the relationship through her remaining child bearing years. We're both in our early 40s.

 

We had talked about children during our relationship, but I was always upfront that I wasn't sure if I wanted kids. She did, but ultimately chose to stick with the relationship rather than leave and find someone else to have children. That said, I can't help but feel at least partially responsible for this major sacrifice.

 

She is a wonderful person, who I still love and enjoy spending time with. That said, I also yearn to be on my own, to finally figure out what I need to be truly happy.

 

So here's the question, do I go back and finally "man up" in this relationship despite my hangup, or do I continue down this path of separate lives with my bag of guilt?

[Tearsbegone]

You explained what just happened to me in my last relationship and it destroyed me. I applaud you for trying therapy (my ex wouldn't talk about things and just kept them inside and then snapped so I never got a chance at therapy). Can I ask why therapy didn't help? Were you in it for long? Did you have a good therapist?

 

Do you feel like you communicated clearly to your partner about your feelings? Mine never did. He hid it. Let's say she didn't want marriage (just take that out of the mix) would this relationship still have caused problems for you?

 

Have you ever been to therapy alone?

[charlridge]

@Pene therapy has been a mixed bag for me. I have never really been able to find someone who does more than listen. Never had any breakthroughs. All my therapy has been one on one.

[Tearsbegone]

@Pene therapy has been a mixed bag for me. I have never really been able to find someone who does more than listen. Never had any breakthroughs. All my therapy has been one on one.

 

Do you think that if you both had gone to couples therapy with a good therapist things might have been addressed and then fixed?

[charlridge]

Do you think that if you both had gone to couples therapy with a good therapist things might have been addressed and then fixed?

 

No, I don't think so. The issues are mine and aren't related to anything she is or isn't doing.

[Tearsbegone]

No, I don't think so. The issues are mine and aren't related to anything she is or isn't doing.

 

Have you felt in love with the connection with anyone else? What has your relationship history been like? Do you see any patterns?

[MFloyd]

You've done a brave thing by being honest about your feelings, even if you took too long. Your ex-fiancée should have left you by age 40 if having children was a must. That was her choice and no disrespect to her, but she should have seen it a long time ago and dumped you. I'm going to say this again later but you get one chance at life. If you want to be a singleton now and know that she isn't the one for you, then why in the world should you beat yourself up for that?

 

Getting back to your quandary, what do you want to do? I can give you a couple of worst case scenarios off the top of my head.

 

Finding a New Woman with that "It" Factor

- You're hitting the dating scene and after 6 months find it utterly discouraging. The music in the clubs is too loud. You meet too many smokers, druggies, and the ones with BAGGAGE. You find the women online who seem to meet your criteria and actually turn up for dates all wrong. The horror stories go on and on.

- You find yourself attracted to young, vibrant women with that wow factor, but darn it if it doesn't matter because you're in your early 40s and old by most 20 something's standards, anyway.

- You happen to hook up with someone you really love but they turn out to be not who you want either after some years. In fact, maybe you should have stayed with that women you dumped in your early 40s! She's moved on, though.

 

Getting Back with your Ex Now and "Man'ing up"

You waste another 10 years being unhappy.

You waste yet another 10 years of her life.

You reach the age of 80 and wonder if you should have chosen a different path.

 

 

Did you notice that I left out any positive outcomes? That's for you to fill in the blanks and decide which you prefer. Life goes around just once, you know. Since I've been pretty harsh so far, I'll go ahead and state that I don't particularly think your chances of finding a better woman in the dating pool are good. You'll waste a lot of time looking for someone who's perfect because you haven't articulated what the "It" factor is.

[charlridge]

Wise words MFloyd. I guess the question is, does the potential regret associated with finding the grass isn't greener outweigh the regret of having never looked.

[dumPI]

the grass is never going to be greener until you know what the "it" feeling is. And it may be just the feeling of being with someone new. So be careful.

You should take a look and read "he's scared, she's scared" book about fear of commitment. It may help you a lot to identify your issues and start working on them.

Are you suffering from depression?

 

As you cannot name the "it" feeling, you could perfectly be searching for a "feeling". And feelings depend on thoughts. Change your thoughts regarding your ex and you'll change the feeling. By the way 10 years without commitment sounds like a big red flag she ignored.

[charlridge]

I guess the "it" is several related things. I want to be the pursuer. I want to be madly in love. I want to rush out to get a wedding ring. I want to feel like the luckiest man in the world. I want to feel "complete". Can that happen with my ex? I'd like to think so, but I now know it will not come without some serious self-discovery and improvement.

[missyjee]

I do agree with MFloyd & dumPI comments !!

 

My boyfriend just broke up with me because he has commitment issues too or he's not sure Im the one etc etc. We are both late late 30's. We have been in a serious relationship for several years and we have broken up over this issue before.(I already have a child from a prievious relationship so having children wasn't a issue or I would have left ages ago!) I can't go around in circles with this issue, so as much as I love him I am moving forward.

[patterned]

I think I've felt similar feelings in all of my relationships. And they have lead me to places I regret. I've learned that I would feel them with time regardless of who my partner was. I have to remember regardless who I am with, I am responsible for my own happiness.

 

If there are fundamental incompatabilities or problems that's one thing. But for me it's been an issue within myself. I can't say what's right for anyone else however.

[Tearsbegone]

I guess the "it" is several related things. I want to be the pursuer. I want to be madly in love. I want to rush out to get a wedding ring. I want to feel like the luckiest man in the world. I want to feel "complete". Can that happen with my ex? I'd like to think so, but I now know it will not come without some serious self-discovery and improvement.

 

As I asked earlier- have you ever had that feeling with anyone else?

[charlridge]

As I asked earlier- have you ever had that feeling with anyone else?

 

No. I wouldn't be in this situation if I had ;-)

[amy8177]

My heart actually goes out to you. You are a very deeply troubled man. You must read the book Men Who Can't Love. I believe this will offer and/or illuminate yourself to yourself if that makes sense. Please read it and please do all that you can to get her back. Life is so much more beautiful when you have someone to share it with. Don't be a fool and let her go.

[Mayforce]

Good you have finished the baby thing and my case is like yours, 6yrs relation and broke up 2 times, commit issue, no children and I just passed mid 30's and he's going to be 34 this year. And now he's dating 26yrs old girl but he just got dumped before their first meet up. He sounded so pathetic in the mails with that playful girl.

 

He started saying he is perfect at the last few months before B/U and that made me sick.. I hardly had any interest to do anything with him and wondered how come his ego grew that big. I am quite nice looking and was really thoughtful and faithful person. He thought he can get other girls like me and now he is eating those girls' * * * * s.. I wonder if he would realize it's me being patient with his silly and naive thinking, talks, and behaviour. Well, my feeling is mixed, still miss the old good time and feel he's jerk and cowards as well. I can't sleep so come here to look around and write down some words. Hope my head will be lighter.

 

 

 

 

I do agree with MFloyd & dumPI comments !!

 

My boyfriend just broke up with me because he has commitment issues too or he's not sure Im the one etc etc. We are both late late 30's. We have been in a serious relationship for several years and we have broken up over this issue before.(I already have a child from a prievious relationship so having children wasn't a issue or I would have left ages ago!) I can't go around in circles with this issue, so as much as I love him I am moving forward.

[Reflective82]

I feel so sorry for her- she has probably given up ever having children for you- and now you are ending the relationship. You assured her you would work through things and so she stuck with you, and now you are going to leave her single in her early 40s. Wow. Men really are nice.

[sharky988]

I feel so sorry for her- she has probably given up ever having children for you- and now you are ending the relationship. You assured her you would work through things and so she stuck with you, and now you are going to leave her single in her early 40s. Wow. Men really are nice.

 

She made the choice to stick around! Ten years -- ? If someone told me they felt something was missing in terms of their feelings for me, I'd be GONE that day!

 

This is a lesson for us all....

[Reflective82]

you're right Sharky. I would. But equally this guy shouldn't have been with her for 10 years if he felt that.

 

I just think people are so flaky in this day and age. No wonder the divorce rate is so high. Always searching for something new/better. It depresses me.