Don't want to meet GF's ex's

[commonsense]

I'm not sure if this is the correct forum, but here goes...

 

caveat: we'd both been divorced a couple of times and we have grown kids -- so it gives you an idea of our ages

 

I'd conveyed to my GF of one year, that I didn't want to meet any of her old boyfriends. Prior to meeting me, she'd serial dated for about a year and had a fair amount of sexual relations. She's maintained a friendship with some of those past dates and keeps in communication with some of them. Now I have a small problem with this, but I also realize it's the 21st century and at our current age, it's ridiculous to think that an individual doesn't have some sort of past, or baggage. Anyway, I'd told her that if she wants to meet up with her 'friends', I don't want to accompany her. I don't want to for the following reasons (which I'd told her):

 

a.) I don't want to meet anyone she's had sex with (I find it uncomfortable for me)

b.) I don't want to be judged by them (human nature being what it is)

c.) I don't really want to hear a "remember when?" story that's personal only to them...though it's quite possible that wouldn't happen if I was present

 

This caused a bit of a tiff in that she'd mentioned to me that I talk to females on a semi-regular basis, so what's the difference? I told her the difference was that the women I talk to, I'd never dated, I'd never had sex with, they're married and I have ZERO interest in them besides conversation...iow, they're not a threat...not that she has any interest in any of her ex's besides conversation, but the relationship dynamics (and possible motivations) -- at least to me -- are different. I have no reason to believe my GF would cheat on me and we love each other deeply. In fact, she just recently told an old flame that I didn't want to meet any of her old boyfriends and that if I wasn't accompanying her, she wouldn't go either. I do not restrict her ability to meet with whomever she wants. I'm just a bit uncomfortable with the idea of carrying on with old ex's because I wouldn't do that to her and I tend to believe that at some point in time, carrying on with an ex could send a mixed message. But hey, what do I know.

 

If I'm way out of line, or if I'm not, I'd appreciate the feedback. Thanks.

[guynextdoor]

She can't make you meet her ex, I can understand where you are coming from and I too would feel uncomfortable. She needs to respect your boundaries, its not like you are telling her not to hang out with them so you're not a control freak.

[camus154]

I think you're not just being reasonable, but incredibly mature and secure about it as well.

 

It's ridiculous (and frankly a bit bizarre) that she would want you to meet any of her exes. Why on earth would you?

[markfromark]

she is out of line and should not meet with any of her exes. She is with you, why on earth would she want to spend time with one of her multiple exes??

[commonsense]

To be sure, she hasn't *forced* me to meet any of her ex's. I think the debate we had was more of an "I'm right, you're wrong" dynamic, however I feel strong enough about my position that I'm not willing to capitulate. She seems to have adopted the posture of; "if my BF isn't going with me, I'm not going either." That's cool. Again, I'm mindful (and careful) not to stifle her, but I will express my feelings and stand my ground if need be, on matters I consider potentially questionable for the relationship. fwiw...

 

Edit: she doesn't have a lot of friends, so most of the one's she does have, were former dates/bf's...the one's she'd liked, but didn't think the relationship(s) would go the distance. I understand that, but it doesn't make me feel any more comfortable by the situation.

[martyfarty]

haha.. i feel you on that. My Ex wanted me to meet her friends ( her ex's, guys who are in love w/ her, guys she had sex with.) I told her ass from the start that i didn't like her friends and she made it a big deal. oh well, at least i was being honest w/ myself.

[camus154]

She seems to have adopted the posture of; "if my BF isn't going with me, I'm not going either." That's cool. Again, I'm mindful (and careful) not to stifle her, but I will express my feelings and stand my ground if need be, on matters I consider potentially questionable for the relationship. fwiw...

 

And that's her choice (and a good one, in my opinion). Kudos for standing your ground and not being guilt-tripped into doing something you don't want to do.

[sunshineband]

I think you're being entirely reasonable about this and making your point in an assertive but respectful way. As your girlfriend serial dated, she can't be particularly close to any of these guys, so hopefully they will just fade off into the background.