Im sturggling here with NC

[Blondie176]

Hi everyone.

 

I've been reading this section for a few days and its helped keep me sane, sort of anyway but today i felt the urge to join up and post.

 

Basically we broke up at the beginning of the year, i guess i ended it because i was the one who said the words '' We cant go on like this'' and he agreed, after many ups and downs. Anyway from then to now we had been talking constantly and things were looking up until this past Friday when he told me he had met someone.

 

I was devastated, i thought we were mending us, i was wrong, he met her 2 months ago and didnt tell me, so for 2 months he was seeing her and also seeing me, although nothing sexual happened between us.

 

 

I guess he put me in the friend box and moved on, he said he wants us to be friends ect and i wanted that too, or to be truthful i wanted any piece of him i could get. (desperate i know) so i spoke to him on Saturday as if nothing had changed. It has changed, he was talking about her and how happy he is and every word felt like a knife in my heart, i cannot be friends, its too painful.

 

 

I decided to go no contact, for my own sanity but this is hard, for 2 years we have communicated one way or another and i feel lost and alone without him in my life. We havent spoken for 4 days now and i intend to make no contact myself, no matter how hard i find it.

 

Should i tell him i am stepping back from him or just disappear into the night, so to speak? I am scared to death he will forget me, seems he already has , scared he will think i am fine with everything if i dont contact him.. i wish i could hibernate through this and wake when i no longer care about him. This is hard

 

Thanks for any replies i might get x

[giraffeprint]

well ive been in a somewhat similar place. my advice to you would be :

 

1. dont explain yourself to him. if you honestly want to committ to no contact, just do it. you're already 4 days strong, saying something will make you regret it and you'll be back at square one.

 

2. if you made any kind of impact on his life, he wont forget you. thats the fear ive always had, but i actually came to the conclusion that my ex will probably have a harder time with me out her life even though she broke us up, so thats kind of comforting.

 

3. as much as you want any piece of him, you'll hate it and you'll hate yourself for settling for a friendship (at least immediately after the break up). my ex pulled the friend card, and i agreed, and the two weeks we tried was just wayyy too emotional. you need space to heal. even if you dont think you'll get over it, you need space to at least learn how to control your emotions about it.

 

if i were you i'd continue NC and consider a friendship later. learn from my bad experience.

[Habibi]

he going away with someone he already met is not a good sign at all so you moving into NC was the right choice but i advise you to cut your losses here and now.

your story is much like mine,things were going against my likes,met someone before all went south because i already knew it was going south anyways.like your ex i didnt tell her a thing,just wanting and wishing for her to end it all at once.now im happier than ever,with someone who showers me with lots of attentions and love,i feel special and wanted.my ex? thing from the past.

take your time and let it sink in.you too will find someone else.

[Jody675]

Blondie you may as well have written my story from 2009. i too ended my relationship of 14months but only because i could continue like this. we too tried to be friends. we even managed to be more on and off at times. i loved him so much. or at least love the idea. but each time he would suddenly shut me out and say something cold and hurtful. and each time i would try and move on, and stop communication (but considering we worked together that was a little harder), and each time one of us would cave. i think he just wanted a bed buddy, and i hoped that he would eventually realised what he was missing and want me back (desperate and stupid i know). after 9 months of this torture, i found out he had hit on one of my friends in a way that left her wondering if he had or hadn't. he also sent me his online profile on the dating site i was using in an attempt to get over him. he joined the same one (knowing i was on there) and sent me his profile to see what i thought. i called him and blasted him for being so insensitive and cut all ties. a couple of months later i sent him an email about cheap airfares to japan, as he wanted to go, and he asked me why i was emailing him. told him i was just being nice (but honestly...i just wanted to contact him). he told me he had just met someone and didn't want to contact with me. 12 months later he married her. he told me he didn't want to marry anyone. what he meant was that he didn't want to marry me.

 

so you see blondie, you are not alone in your pain. but ask yourself this question. why do you want someone who doesn't want you? you deserve better. look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself that you are an awesome catch and good riddance. i bet if you are completely honest with yourself, you will see the holes and the reasons you aren't together. some of those holes are yours to work on, others are for you to recognise and not want to repeat in your next. time for you to look deep and know that he is not worthy of your pain. you have cried your tears. grieved for your loss. time to start to live again and enjoy life. he has. he should have been honest with you about seeing someone else. but he didn't. he was probably trying to just be friends, as he probably does care about you, but not in the way a guy does. if you can't face him thats fine. just walk away and if he calls tell him that its just time to give you both some space and you wish him all the happiness. you will find happiness if you let go of him. theres a saying i loved...when one door closes another door opens. but if you look to long and lovingly at the closed door you will miss the opportunities that lay ahead.

[Blondie176]

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply, i appreciate it so much x

 

When he told me on Friday, well when i guessed ( he was saying he had to tell me something and then going silent on the phone, not quite being able to spit it out, so i blurted out ''Have you met someone'' .. i wasnt expecting the answer to be yes! I nearly hit the floor when i heard that) i asked him when did he meet her and he said 2 months, i was floored, i actually lost my breath at that point. He said he didnt tell me because he didnt want to lose what we have, as in our friendship i guess.

 

I dont even remember much after that, i remember crying, i remember saying that i thought we were mending, i remember saying what do i do now with out him, him saying he was sorry, then i hit numbness. The phone call ended and somehow i breathed. Somehow i have got to day 4 and have had no contact.

 

I feel like a part of my body has been removed, i float through my work, not really listening to anyone, i am eating but i taste nothing, i feel sick, lost and hurt to my core. I wish i could turn my mind off, i think every single memory we had ,has passed through my mind in 4 days, all roaring at 100mph, this is hell.

[Habibi]

you are in pain now but it will get better,for sure.you just need time and soon you will realize that you could and will do much better.stay put on your nc.

[Coconut Twin]

You'll be ok love. You're doing good already with the NC. Make sure to keep busy, and have a support network around you whether that be friends, family or even a support group to share your issues with people on the same page, AND of course keeping posting here on ENA.

 

You'll get through it, take each step at a time. Onwards and upwards. Hugs ))

[MasterPo]

Lots of good advice. Can't tell you anything more as I agree with most of it.

 

Take care of yourself. Plan out some stuff and do it. I picked up a guitar and plucked long hours when it seemed the agony would never end. Got okay with it but now it sits on the wall, reminds me that I did get through the wilderness so to speak.

 

Some here date immediately and they find a happiness or relief. I wasn't very good at that so after a few miserable outings I stopped it and decided I had better heal properly otherwise I was gonna hurt alot of fine people.

 

I promote exercise. It worked for me but I got crazy with it. Many times I walked from sunset to sunrise and never noticed whether it was raining, snowing or freezing. I was in pain and the activity helped me sleep and heal. Endorphins have a way of making you look at things a little differently and that was a great help.

 

Bottom line. Read some more, ask some more questions, go for a walk. You will be looking for answers no can give you. It will pass and you will be okay. Good luck.

[murdock604]

Great advice in this thread.

 

Like others, I don't recommend being friends with an ex if either party is interested in getting back together. When you limit contact but still stay in touch, you delay your recovery and healing. Should you get into a new relationship, keeping in contact with an ex often damages the foundation of this new relationship. Can't tell you the # of times in my youth I still smashed exes who were dating a new guy, only to have my ex get upset when I got into a new relationship and could not longer see them.

[Blondie176]

Thanks folks x

 

Every one of you is correct, my head knows this, any other time i would be giving out the exact same advice you guys are giving..my heart needs time to catch up to my head i guess.

 

It just amazes me how someone can be all for you one day, the next they have met someone new, you have been replaced. I know we had BU already but everything about us leaned toward us mending. We were on different pages of the book, only i wasnt aware of it..bah i am just venting here x

[Blondie176]

I deactivated my facebook, i have not explained why to him, i figure i dont need to. I expect it will be a relief for him now he has added his new woman, i am not hanging around to watch his new relationship blossom in black and white, that will be like ripping the plaster off the wound over and over again.

 

I got a sudden rush of panic as i did it though and my tummy is in knots again, i hope i made the right decision. x