am i just holding onto nothing?

[radiotone]

i dont know what has gotten into me today.

i dont know whether im just making myself feel depressed cause im used to it. you ever just want to miss something that really meant something to you? because you just feel so "dead" the last couple of weeks? and you just want to feel alive..

 

i watched that Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind movie today for the first time. and ever since it was released, it always reminded me of my relationship with my ex-girlfriend Katie. which was so brief, so weird and so interesting - it still holds deep meaning to me. we were two completely different people. and we just met online. talking about music. we didnt talk about ourselves, we talked about what we loved. and it went on and on for weeks. she's the "not caring about what will happen to her" kind of spontaneous person that i love but was completely the opposite to me. i fell for her. we talked on the phone. we met. we kissed. we were together.

 

everything in that movie reminded me so much of us. of how she acted and how we were. and it just all came to a complete stop and hurt me so much. and recently, she came to visit and left early and left me wondering if i will ever see her again. i remember being in her car, being driven by her, telling myself "i cant believe this is happening. remember this moment. remember you were here with her. because you're going to want it to happen again so badly when she leaves". and she did leave. she has cancer too. and i dont know what to do. people have told me to just forget about her, to just move on because there's no way we would ever have a full relationship. but that's not fair. because i still miss her. i still love her. i still want to be with her.

 

and after watching that movie, i became seriously depressed. i wanted to talk to her but i couldnt. she's been avoiding me online, and the last email i wrote - i think i freaked her out with it. because i went on about how important she is to me. and i cant help it. i really do love her and she really means a lot to me. because after what she did to me, im still feeling like this. after 2 damn years. i dont know what to do now. i want to see her again. but i dont know how. i want to call her. i want to email her again. i want to know she's alive and well. i cant let her go. i just cant.

 

so the question, am i just holding onto memories that will never be again? and if so, i really dont think i can let her go. i have to see her again. but what if she doesnt want to see me, what if she wants to be alone will i just make things worse? there's seriously no one like her at all. and yes, i do notice i make myself feel depressed sometimes, but it makes me feel so alive. makes me appreciate who she was. and why she loved me. and how she did. the first time she told me. i miss it so much...

 

ugh. i need help.

thank you..

[SilverSurfer]

so the question, am i just holding onto memories that will never be again? and if so, i really dont think i can let her go. i have to see her again. but what if she doesnt want to see me, what if she wants to be alone will i just make things worse? there's seriously no one like her at all. and yes, i do notice i make myself feel depressed sometimes, but it makes me feel so alive. makes me appreciate who she was. and why she loved me. and how she did. the first time she told me. i miss it so much...

 

radiotone,

 

i looked at a few of your more recent posts, and i get the idea that the relationship gradually fell apart because of the distance involved. it appears that the both of you are also at different stages in life as well. it would be a good time to step back and evaluate the direction you should be taking. long distance relationships are more likely to succeed if there is an achieveable end point in sight... ie. the couple gets back together after x years etc.

 

at this point it might be hard to let her go... but things will definitely improve with time. try not contacting her for a bit and see how your feelings may change. friends... call them, go out with them... don't be alone because that only makes you think of her.