6 Months or Thereabouts, off the pedestal but then anger!

[EmergenC]

So i'm just coming up to about 6 months from my breakup where I was dumped by my ex girlfriend (her now 21, me 29). I gave her space but fought for it for the first 2 weeks. Then let her go. Heard from her just the once, a month afterwards into the new year, texting me about nothing then that's been it. The last contact was I shot her a short email, nothing to do with us, end of January. No response. Then I found out she had started seeing someone new a couple of weeks after we had broken up at the start of December. Removed her from my facebook and since then i've fallen off the face of the earth.

 

I have heard nothing from her. Nada, zip. There was a possibility of a breadcrumb about one month ago when I commented on a mutual friends picture on Facebook. Woke up the following day to see her name staring at me in my email inbox, she had commented on the picture after me. My heart pounded, erased the notification and didn't look at anything. I use Facebook about once every 2 weeks but i'm starting to despise the place. I know my ex, and she isn't stupid...I know she did that on purpose knowing it would hit my inbox. For what reason I don't know but I try not to think about it, because the reality of it is it's insignificant.

 

So now i'm at a weird point in my healing. I've hit a point where they're starting to come down off the pedestal with a crash and in some ways it's set me back a bit because i'm starting to find feelings of resentment and anger, when I honestly felt like the last month or so it had reached a point where I had started to let go.

 

Now I have thoughts swimming in my head of being angry that she took off then dumped me via a text message...(couple of months before what would have been 4 years together). Angry that the only way I got to see her during the first 2 weeks to fight for us was by promising to drive her back to my apartment and then back to her friends, I drove 100 miles to do this. And looking back, it was all about her, she wanted an easy way to collect her things, didn't give a damn what I had to say about us, she was totally shut down.

 

Angry that after she left, she took certain items that didnt really belong to her, but I let it slide at the time, small electric gadgets etc. We had also been grocery shopping and she took a lot of food, I paid all the bills and bought the groceries. She was unable to work here as she was living with me in my country.

 

Find myself resenting the way I was treated by her the last 6 - 8 months of the relationship when I noticed the change sliding in. Always prioritizing herself and her own pursuits ahead of us with zero compromise. Whereas I would sacrifice and gladly drive her round places she needed to be and support her goals.

 

Finding her emotionally cheating and flirting on facebook with certain guys and never shutting them down. Even finding her doing it again with one of them a couple of months later. She cried afterwards and said she doesn't want to be known as a * * * * * . She worked with one of the guys on a non professional level, the one I found her flirting/emotional cheating with twice. I'd told her how my trust was shot, and I would be happy if she shut that down now but she refused. The guy was winding me up and knew it and she did nothing to shut him down, nothing at all.

 

I gradually turned into a paranoid, hollow, jealous shell of a person and it was indirectly through her actions. Thats not the kind of person I have ever been in a relationship. But she had slowly worn me down to a point. I haven't felt jealousy in a relationship since my first ever relationship in high school.

 

I'd taken from a small town in the middle of nowhere, to another country and shown her the big city. Once she made new friends & was having her eyes peeled open I was becoming old hat. Bring on the drinks and the partying. We would often go out together on her nights out, then i'd be blown off going home alone as she would choose to stay over at her friends. She was living with me of course and we were round each other almost all the time, so even though I felt blown out I kind of saw it as her having some alone time. However this certain friend was such a crappy influence. I was getting tired of having to stay up until the sun was up helping my ex who would drink herself into a stupor. Watching her, making sure she didnt choke on her vomit, fetching buckets and making sure her hair wasn't getting in the way. I always hoped she would learn that drinking that way wasn't healthy or clever. But every couple of weeks it would be back to square one.

 

Angry also at the way she was walking all over me. Again with that guy I had caught her flirting/emotional cheating with twice, god knows how many other times or other people she was doing it to. I had dropped her in the city for a meeting with him and the other guys. I was supposed to collect her after an hour, she knew I wasnt happy because it was with him, but we had agreed because I loved her, to let her carry on. Couple of hours rolls by a text..just having a drink with them... couple more hours roll by. Wont tell me where she is, says shes staying out the night and not coming back that night. Said she was off to stay over at their house (student house with a load of people living together, including that ass of a guy). I'm sorry but I couldn't think of anything more disrespectful than that. Surely she couldn't respect me or give a rats ass behaving that way ? I was hurt and heartbroken and angry. If she lived in this country and had parents to go to, I would have told her to pack her things the following day and take a break from one another. Instead she came back, just said she had a nice night and that was the end of it, brushed under the carpet. No need for discussion.

 

See I was blinded by her kindness in one hand, because she loved to cook and clean and always go out of her way to do those things for me. But then in other ways, when it actually came to the relationship I just see after a time pure pure selfishness. This was a girl I had given everything to, put my own dreams and passions mistakenly on hold to be with and have her come and live with me in my country. She had to want for nothing here, everything was covered without batting an eyelid. I guess you just expect some love and respect in return.

 

To go from her not wanting to be away from me for a second. To just running wild doing what she wanted when she wanted. I know some of this can be attributed to her age and stage in life. But I can't help but feel angry, that in the end I was just tossed to one side like an old toy. She had slowly became buddies buddies with her toxic friend to a point where she knew she would let her live with her and that was it she was gone. I was just purely replaced. She had the friendship she needed in this toxic witch of a woman and had met 'new guy' about a month or so before we broke up. Since i'd busted her twice on Facebook she had locked her gadgets down with passcodes etc, so god knows what if anything she was saying to him before we broke up.

 

I just feel angry and cheated now. After almost 4 years, 3 and a bit of which were perfect, she started looking outside the box and taking me for one hell of a ride. I had never seen her as selfish before. But over the last year or so as she has grown into a young woman and started socializing for the first time in the big city, she started to see how damn attractive she was and how many guys were after her. I had to deal with a lot of her insecurities but I think on the other hand her ego was slowly inflating itself to epic proportions. I'd become like an old worn out slipper in her eyes I think, new pair please.

 

You go through all this, yet some small sadistic piece of me inside still dreams for that beautiful girl I met in that small town and wonders if we will have days like those and love like that again ? I find it hard to deal with because I know certain traits can be attributed to her coming of age/experience etc. So it's hard to tell which parts are really the new her, and which parts are the rites of passage.

 

I guess sometimes like the others on here, you look at how powerful and passionate the relationship was. Her first for everything and about my 5th LTR. But easily my most loving and passionate. I had foolishly allowed myself to believe she was 'the one', when I really should have known better. It just boggles my mind that I could be cut out so easily by her, like I no longer exist, like the 4 passionate years full of exploring and adventure for her in a foreign country, seemingly meant nothing. It was all just a dream. 6 months out and she hasn't looked back once unless I count that morsel of a potential breadcrumb of nothingness a month ago. I honestly felt the love between us so strong, I truly thought we would last forever. I had never felt that way with anyone before. And instead of it fading after 6 months to a year like most honey moon periods, it carried on and got stronger. But now i'm left with the reality of everything, that apparently what I was brought to believe was so unique and special, actually appears to have meant very little.

 

Thank you for allowing me to vent, that pedestal came down with one almighty chop this last week and my head has been spinning in circles since. It is weird how the perspective shifts and you start to see all the crap that was flowing your way.

[OneSadPuppy]

Wow, that's some vent!

I love / hate the clarity of the anger stage.

 

It's tough when you date someone with much less experience than you.

It's happened to me a couple times (last two actually).

 

Sounds like you're doing great though.

 

OSP

[SAButterfly]

I feel you, OP. I was my ex's first girlfriend and even though I considered our relationship really good and moving in the right direction, he felt the need to date other girls and ended it (flipped a switch and dropped me from his life). It was his way of dealing with the hard emotions- guilt, sadness, etc. It's taken me a while to get over my own wave of emotions. I still hurt, but have now accepted that he was in no way mature or experienced enough to appreciate what we had. Hang in there!

[EmergenC]

Wow, that's some vent!

I love / hate the clarity of the anger stage.

 

It's tough when you date someone with much less experience than you.

It's happened to me a couple times (last two actually).

 

Sounds like you're doing great though.

 

OSP

 

I've done all the right things in the sense of not e-stalking her. Letting her know clear as day how I felt, but then also letting her go.

 

It was hard as nails, hardest thing i've done in my life. The last month and a bit I honestly felt like I was slowly coming out the end of the tunnel. But then this week I found my thoughts of her had changed and I realized she had tumbled off the pedestal and all of a sudden I was angry all over again!

 

But man that felt good to get off my chest, thanks for listening !

[EmergenC]

I feel you, OP. I was my ex's first girlfriend and even though I considered our relationship really good and moving in the right direction, he felt the need to date other girls and ended it (flipped a switch and dropped me from his life). It was his way of dealing with the hard emotions- guilt, sadness, etc. It's taken me a while to get over my own wave of emotions. I still hurt, but have now accepted that he was in no way mature or experienced enough to appreciate what we had. Hang in there!

 

Thank you, how old were you guys ? See I remember dumping my high school GF of about 2 years when I was around 18ish for no reason other than I was bored and wanted to see what was out there. It's funny because as the years ticked by I did miss and think about her from time to time, but these were pre-facebook etc days and all I had was her home number and her parents i'm sure hated my guts for breaking her heart so I never reached out.

 

Thats why I think in some ways, social media will have changed the dating horizon. People can emotionally cheat and have affairs 10x easier, god knows I have an older friend broke up their marriage from an affair that was sparked on Facebook. But then likewise, it's also easier than ever to reach out to people from the past and re-connect with people that in the past would have vanished from your life for good.

[lanaa]

Sorry but she is only 21 and i can understand her,she probably is not even mature for a serious relationship.

[EmergenC]

Sorry but she is only 21 and i can understand her,she probably is not even mature for a serious relationship.

 

Totally, but she faked it well for almost 4 years. 2 of which we lived together almost like a married couple would.

 

Thats partly why i'm having trouble now shes come down off the pedestal. I feel anger and resentment surfacing, but also in the back of my mind I remember how I was around that age. It was my first time dating someone younger than me, and I really should have known better.

[OneSadPuppy]

Totally, but she faked it well for almost 4 years. 2 of which we lived together almost like a married couple would.

 

Thats partly why i'm having trouble now shes come down off the pedestal. I feel anger and resentment surfacing, but also in the back of my mind I remember how I was around that age. It was my first time dating someone younger than me, and I really should have known better.

 

Your age difference was not bad.

Statistically, 7 years difference is ideal.

You were 8, no biggy.

 

The risk you take is any 21 year old is just young.

I can't imagine myself at 21 and being in a "forever" committed relationship.

 

My ex-wife was 11 years younger. 23 - 34. Age wasn't the problem there. Hypergamy was.

But ... she was a very poised European ... who had Daddy issues, so she liked older guys :s

 

Don't be so hard on yourself. This girl was just not mature enough.

 

OSP

[mikhylabelle]

Hi, OP. I feel for you too. I was my ex-boyfriend's first real relationship too, and we lasted for almost 4 years, until things went all downhill. I am older than him, and had more experiences, which i now see as a big contribution to our demise. Even though he was nearly 30, he never really had dating experiences, nor he did experience that wild and free stage before he met me. He met a much younger group of people where he had the chance to experience the bar scene, and it put a lot of strain in our relationship, and made me feel insecure.

 

Anyway, your ex-gf was still young, and probably still has a lot to learn in areas of love and relationships. I know it hurts, but at least you're realizing things now, and the rose-colored glasses are off too. I know how you feel. I thought we would last forever too. We almost got married. Things like that are hard to comprehend or accept, but we cannot control what others would do, or feel. And life goes on...

[EmergenC]

Ha, yeah the reality set in quite a while ago, and like OSP said above. I realized it wasn't so much the age gap, rather the actual age thing. She was still 20 when we broke up.

 

But like you mentioned above, the rose tinted glasses have come off this last week, and what was becoming background noise has once again surfaced emotionally in the form of anger and resentment.

 

I'm just glad i've left it as it was. Staying in touch I would all too easily probably lashed out verbally or said things i'd later regret.

 

It's much nicer going through those emotions alone so you can work them out by myself. I'm a big believer in judging a persons character on how they react to situations in life.

[FreeFallFeelin]

Great post E C. You put into words beautifully a lot of similar events and feelings I've experienced in my recent breakup.

 

I see in you a similar fault I have in me - Being too generous. Especially when it comes to helping 'them' get their lives together. You think you're cementing your place as a hero in their life, but really, they just get used to the free ride and all the support, and before you know it, like you said, you become a pair of "worn out slippers". ESPECIALLY if the person is under 30, where there is always lots of changing and growing and exploring happening.

 

My next gf will benefit greatly from the things I've learned about the dynamics of relationships, but will NOT benefit from my new found attitude of "your problems are YOUR problems ...sink or swim". I think they call it being bitter :stupid:

[EmergenC]

Great post E C. You put into words beautifully a lot of similar events and feelings I've experienced in my recent breakup.

 

I see in you a similar fault I have in me - Being too generous. Especially when it comes to helping 'them' get their lives together. You think you're cementing your place as a hero in their life, but really, they just get used to the free ride and all the support, and before you know it, like you said, you become a pair of "worn out slippers". ESPECIALLY if the person is under 30, where there is always lots of changing and growing and exploring happening.

 

My next gf will benefit greatly from the things I've learned about the dynamics of relationships, but will NOT benefit from my new found attitude of "your problems are YOUR problems ...sink or swim". I think they call it being bitter

 

Haha, I hope I don't carry any bitterness forwards. One of my biggest fears is how this has changed me as a person when I eventually come out the other end. I hope only to have gained from it.

 

But already it's reached a stage where it would be difficult, even in my mind, if she came out the blue and tried to reconnect. Already there's not a chance in the world I could just hop straight back into things, I'd be trembling with fear! I couldn't simply bury those emotions.

 

When I was about 22 I spent a year playing "hero" to girl who was 28 at the time and she ran me ragged. I'm a lot wiser to things now, but back then she was clearly on the rebound from her 8 year college relationship that had fallen through and I spent a year foolishly as a bed buddy and emotional blanket for her to leech off.

 

She was hot and cold with me so much through that, when she broke things up with me I went on vacation and had a nervous breakdown. Seriously I was shot through and had no idea at the time what I had done to myself.

 

Man that was a learning experience!

[Heidern]

My next gf will benefit greatly from the things I've learned about the dynamics of relationships, but will NOT benefit from my new found attitude of "your problems are YOUR problems ...sink or swim". I think they call it being bitter

That's not being bitter. You're not gonna let someone walk all over you, which in turn will make you more desirable.