Lost...Need Some Advice

[jhrivera1]

Hi everyone. I'm new to these forums, and was looking for some advice on my current situation.

 

I've been together with my girlfriend for over 7 years. She has strict parents, which is why we haven't been able to live together. We recently started talking about marriage, but nothing too serious.

 

We love each other a lot, but have been having trouble lately with our relationship. It basically started last Thanksgiving. During most of our relationship, we would spend every spare moment we had with each other. Lately, she has rediscovered the feeling of being single. Nowadays, she prefers going out with her girlfriends (of course I'm not included in those plans) and meeting new people, rather than spending time with me. And it's not like we just did nothing when we spent time together. She told me that she loves going out and meeting new people, which I don't have a problem with, but I would think that she would want to spend at least a bit more of her free time with me than with her friends going out to the clubs. I feel like I'm getting what's left of her free time, which is not as much as what her friends get.

 

So recently, she decided that she needs some time and space so that she could figure out what's wrong, where she is at in the relationship, and what she wants to do. Basically, I told her that every relationship has compromise. I told her that I would compromise by accepting that she wants to go out a lot more with her friends, but that she has to compromise by spending a slightly higher percentage of her free time with me than with her friends. She said that she didn't think that request was unfair, but she didn't know why she wasn't willing to do it. Everytime she gets an offer to go out from a friend, she jumps at it without even giving it a second thought. I don't think it's too unreasonable to want my girlfriend to spend at least 60% of her free time with me. I even suggested that I could hang out with her and her girlfriends once and a while, just so we could be together. She didn't sound too excited about that idea. I want to be with her, but not if she doesn't want to be with me.

 

So, after rambling on for a long time, my question is:

Should I wait around and see what she decides, or should I just accept the fact that it is basically over and she would rather be single than with me? Am I just deceiving myself in thinking that this could work out?

 

I know that I probably sound naive, but I've been in love with this girl for over 7 years, and my feelings have never faded. She says that she loves me and that she can't picture being with anyone else. I just need to see what other people think about my situation. Sorry about the long post.

[larajenkins4]

you say you were talking about marriage? what decision did you reach? because the fact she was discussing marriage with you means that she has some plans to spend the rest of her life with you, surely?

 

how long has it been since she said she wanted time?

 

what might be happening, is that she is feeling forced by her parents to meet new people, hang out with friends, to please them, but not in an obvious way. if you get me? her parents might be giving her the impression she needs to mix with friends too, but not realising it.

 

or, she may just like hanging out with her friends, because girls are close to her friends. but not spending much time with you at all doesnt seem to promising, but i really do think that if you love this girl, and you do because you said, then its worth waiting to find out what she decides.

 

how would you feel knowing that if you had have waited, that you would have had a future together?

 

but what ever you decide, i hope it works out alright with you.

[hockeyboy]

i think whats going on here is perfectly normal. if your going to spend the rest of your life with her..its okay to not be spending so much time with her now. use it to your advantage too. you go out with your friends..do the things you wont get to do once you settle down. go on a random road trip with your friends. you can still be with her and love her. sometimes less is more. if you put some space between you two, maybe it will make you miss eachother that much more, a spark that may be needed. i spent 4 years with my girl and this is how it started before we broke up. i was like you. i couldnt handle it though. i more or less demanded her attention. i know now that if i just backed off we'd be together today, she even told me so. 7 years is a long time, you obviously love her and she loves you..just relax, you got your whole life ahead of you...and plenty of time to spend with her.

[jhrivera1]

Thanks everyone for the input. We were talking about marriage before she started spending less time with me. We agreed that we need to save money and see where we're at before we get into heavy discussion. The reason I gave a percentage was just to express that I wanted to spend more than half of her free time with her, rather than having her friends get a majority of her free time. I would be happy with just a little more than half of her time.

 

I see now that it probably is wise to just back off and wait to see what happens. If we do stay together, than I think I will back off a bit and let her have more space so that she can be with her girlfriends. I've just been so used to seeing her more. It's kind of hard to adjust. I have been going out with my friends a lot more recently to get my mind off of things. It has helped, but I still miss spending the time with her.

[jhrivera1]

I have a couple of questions:

How do you sit back and accept the fact that she rather be out with her friends than with you most nights? It seems like I'm doing all that I can to make her happy, but I'm not going to truly be happy until we are able to spend a little more time together. Shouldn't she want to make me happy by giving up one or two of her weekends a month to spend time with me? I understand that if we ever get married, then we'll be together a lot more, but right now it feels like I'm settling. I'm not sure if I'm willing to bend over backwards to make her feel happy by filling her need to go out more, just so I can hopefully spend more time with her later if we ever get married.

[Clarabelle]

One thing about relationships is that it's not possible for one person to meet all our needs, and those needs can shift at different times. Your girl wants to explore being out in the world a little bit, for whatever reason. It's nothing personal, I'm sure. You have to trust her enough to follow her heart. You also have to understand that letting her go, so to speak, is not risk-free. It's a good time for you to go out and enjoy the things that perhaps you weren't free to pursue while you were with her. it will do wonders for your self-confidence, and you will feel less anxious and nervous about not knowing what is going to happen with your girlfriend. Best of luck!

[jhrivera1]

Thanks to everyone for the great advice. It is really helping me through this rough time in my life.

 

Well, here's an update to my situation. My "girlfriend" called me this morning (two days into the break), and wanted to see how I was doing. She told me that she loves me and she sees me at the end of the tunnel. I told her that this "break" is ridiculous. I told her how I felt about her, and that I'm willing to give her more space in our relationship, but she needs to decide if she wants to work things out, or end it. I can't wait around for who knows how long and pray that she wants to be with me. I told her that she needs to sit down and actually think about what she wants to do, because it's unfair to have me waiting. If we love each other, and the real issue is that she wants to feel like she can go out whenever she wants, and I'm offering to give her space in our relationship, then I don't see why she can't make a decision. If she wants to be single, then fine, but just tell me and don't hang me out to dry. At least there would be some closure.

 

But she told me that one of the problems that she is having is trying to figure out why she is unwilling to compromise. I love this girl to death, and I know that she loves me. I'm just wondering if seven years of love is making me blind to the fact that it seems like it's over and I'm just trying to hold on because we've been through so much together. I know that I want to be with her, which is why I'm willing to compromise. The only problem is that I'm not too sure she still wants to be with me.