Help with Ex-Fiance

[mnuttster]

Im in really need of some help. My fiance of 7 months (gf of two years) broke up with me about two months ago. I made the mistake of being pushy and pressuring her on when we were gonna get back together (i regret doing any of this now because it only pushed her away) I really miss her and cry almost nightly over it because I really do love her and want to spend the rest of my life with her. I finally last night set things straight with her, saying that i really want her to be happy and that i want to be there for her as a friend. She still sends me mixed messages as in, I still love and care about you, I miss you so much, "if i were to ask you to give us another chance in a year, what would you say", things like that. This makes it hard because there feels like there is still something there. But the problem is that I am in the radio biz and its very time consuming and she is becoming a teacher, so neither of us have any time to spare. We fought a lot about stupid things at the end of our relationship and she said that she cant deal with that anymore and that she cant/wont/will not date me or get back with me, at least right now because she cant deal with that and she doesnt want to make me choose between my career and her. She is seeing someone else but not hardcore, she really doesnt have time to see him more than once or twice a week, but i know they are physical. Im struggling to figure out what i should do. I want to spend the rest of my life with her, but at the same time she gives me mixed messages and tells me things about how she misses me and stuff. I want to be friends with her but i am afraid that she will lose any feelings for me and just be friends with me, but then again i dont want to cut everything off becaues i want to be there for her as a good friend would do (she said she needs me now more as friend than anything) and i figure that the NC would just help her forget about me and make me look like a jerk because i couldnt be friends. I already screwed up so much, please someone help me figure out what to do. I am looking for any advice and just ways to possibly gain her back, maybe not now but in the future like she says. Thank you for any help you can give.

[spanglish]

Similar thing happened to me.

 

I would do the no contact thing, I think it is the only way, It was the only thing that worked with my ex fiancee. She ended up calling me after a month at 3:30 in the morning with the most pathetic excuse to talk to me.

 

I know how much you are suffering now I have been there.

 

Believe me, if she was the one that dumped you and she is having second thoughts she WILL call. It is human nature, it never fails, the more you call them, pester them, the more they feel in control and the more painfull it becomes for you.

 

If she doesn't call, rejoice, be strong, find yourself,and remember this, do you want to be with someone that doesnt love you like you love them.

 

Every day that passes you will be a stronger, happier person, and I gaurantee you will find someone else and be happy with them, you wont even think about your ex who will just become a distant fond memory.

 

Hang in there my friend.

[mnuttster]

Did she date someone right away also because im afraid that she will forget all about me and that if i dont give her that friendship that she will think im a jerk and just destroy any chance that i still would have with her. The hard part is that she still says that she says that maybe in the future there can be an "us" again. Im just stuck, but thank you for the advice and I hope that you are right. It is just nice to know that I am not the only one to go through something like this. Be well and take care.

[shockeddismayed]

mnuttster,

 

Dude,

 

Many, many of us have been EXACTLY where you are. My EXGF and I were together 7 years, bought a house together and were ring shopping in the weeks before she broke things off.

 

I can tell you from my own painful experience (and learning by trial and error) that you should just leave her alone entirely for a little while.

 

Based on your situation I would do almost strict NC. Give it 6 weeks at least. Maybe 2 months. And then see if you really want to or are ready for some light contact. I'm not a big fan of "being friends" after such a serious relationship, but to each their own... but you can't do it until you've had time to REALLY heal from this.

 

Right now she is seeing someone else, but is obviously very confused about you still. She will be comparing him to you. And missing that special bond you shared. The more you are around and available to her, the more she will continue to take you for granted. I don't like her "if I asked you in a year" comment... it isn't fair, and you can't answer that honestly (trust me, if she keeps up her behaviour for a year, you WILL NOT want to be with her anymore). Don't let her have her cake and eat it too. And DON'T let her drag you down into her confusion. The more you make it easier for her to have both of you, the more you reinforce that it is OK for her to be confused. IT IS NOT OK! You need to let her deal with the consequences of her actions, so that she can truly understand what it is she is missing out on (you).

 

You are worth more and have given more to this relationship than to be relegated as a back up plan. By hanging around and telling her you'd still get back with her whenever she makes up her mind, you are allowing her the freedom to go and "try out" another person to see if they are "better for her" than you are. That is selfish behaviour on her part and you should not tolerate it.

 

I would say that you should NOT be friends with her for a little while... at least not until you FEEL like her friend. If she pressures you, just say "look, I don't know too many people who had such a serious relationship as ours, and were able to be friends... I'll consider it, but for now I need some distance from you. Please respect that".

 

As for her forgetting you.... I can tell you 100% that no woman who is engaged to someone will EVER forget about them. This new guy may be covering up the wound for a while, but she WILL eventually have to deal with the pain of losing you. And IF she is a rare minority and can forget about you, then YOU DESERVE WAY BETTER.

 

Work on yourself, improve yourself for you. Date others when you are ready and let things happen.

 

She will come back if and when she is ready.

[kipster]

S&D, I was in a sitch similar to you 7+ years, engaged for 2 of them, house together (in her name) and had the ring given back. We've gone at least 3-4 months of no contact. After the initial break-up she called quite a few times even invited me to a party, I went, didn't change anything though I know for her to see me looking good didn't hurt . Anyways, I know the pain the both of you express, I've been there and certainly DONE THAT! Still have those touching days, but I'm not playing second fiddle. If she wants to venture out there into greener pastures and that turns her on, then she's got to do what works for her. I'm a good man (she's said as much, but I certainly don't need her validation--since it makes no rational sense then why a woman would leave a guy she describes that way) and its HER LOSS. But the friendship thing won't work for me and I take my hat off to those of you that can go from lovers to friends. You're better than me and I can admit it. I forgive my ex for hurting me (don't know if it was cheating, but I suspect it, though she deny's it vehemently--but she isn't exactly a pillar of truth in my life right now so I take what she says with a grain of salt of course ) and I've made it ok with the Man above to adhere to his plan, whether it is with her in the future or someone else. I only ask that that woman is his best and I'm more than happy. So my EX can do her thing and after the break I felt I lost a soulmate, a house I helped to build, a future family, and a close friend. But tis life and there is one out there that will fulfill all of that. I'm just eager to meet her as I'm sure you are too mnutt. Just don't let your EX hurt you anymore than she already has with the games. If she wants to 'step out' let her. You can't miss what you can't measure. And if she was truly yours, you two wouldn't be separated. So let her fly, don't pressure her. In the end it will be her loss and she'll be the one who has to kick herself for letting a catch like you go. That's a chance she chose to take. Perhaps she understimated the stakes and over-estimated her own value? Stay strong,

 

Kip

[craigblitz]

I agree with that advice they have given you. She has someone right now.. back off 110%. Give her nothing.... Do not be mean or cold, but if she wants to be with someone else then let her do it.

 

When I say give her nothing, I mean no emotional, physical, or mental support. She will miss the intamcy you guys had, trust me on this.

 

S&D is 100% right she will not forget about you... I also agree realize you are a good man and this is her loss. I am a hypocrite here a little, but there really is no need to be her friend when she has someone else. Do not contact her, and if she contacts you do not jump through hoops to reply back.

 

Good luck

[mnuttster]

hey everyone, here is an update, things are so confusing and messed up. i was applying NC for a few weeks and then all of a sudden she calls me up and says "i need all my stuff back and i need to give you back all of yours right now, so i brought her stuff back and asked if we could talk and she wouldnt listen to me one bit, she said "leave right now and give me some time" so i did and i left feeling bad cuz she was balling her eyes out. well not two hours later she calls me up, i dont pick up the phone and she calls me 4 times, so finally just to make sure she doesnt think i hate her i pick up and she asks if we can talk. so i go into her work and we chat about things and goof around like we used to (like we havent since we broke up), she was saying things about her and me like in the present and i hung around for about an hour till she got off work. we talked and she basically broke down to me saying how she still loves me so much, wants to sleep next to me again, make love to me again, spend time with me again, hold me again. now this just doesnt make much sense cuz we talked and i told her how much i loved her and care about her so much. i said that if we gave it another try that it didnt have to be serious and that we could take it slow and simple at first and see where things go. she kept saying that she "couldnt do it right now, that she needed some time" and i was like "thats totally cool, i just wanted you to know how much you meant to me and still mean to me" and i walked her to her car and she had to leave, so I gave her a huge hug and even when i was done hugging her, she wouldnt let go of me for at least another minute. I told her things were going to be alright and that i was here for her if she needed to talk. and here is my mistake i think, i gave her a small kiss on the cheek. she got into her car and was balling and i kept telling her things were going to be ok. that is the last ive heard from her, about two days ago. please anyone out there that read my previous posts help me out with what i should do. it hurts so bad cuz it seems like she really does want to be with me, but at the same time she says she cant right now and that she needs time. what should i do, please help because i love this girl to pieces. ive gone out on other dates with girls and fooled around with a girl or two, but nothing feels even close to what happiness she brought me. please help, anyone?

[cmacey]

I think it sounds like she really may want you back, at this point, just do what you've been doing and allow her to come back on her own. If she realizes that she made a mistake and wants you back, she'll come running back to you faster than she left in the first place. If you pursue her though, she'll know she has you no matter what, and she'll feel safer not coming back. Don't call just to check and make sure she's ok, don't call to tell her how you feel, don't call to set up a date, NC! Wait it out man, that's what I'm doin right now too. If it doesn't work out, she wasn't the one for you, and my ex wasnt the one for me. If she doesn't come back, there's someone else out there that won't need to abandon you and will want to be with you forever and it may not be your ex.

 

Chris

[mnuttster]

i figure i should give an update. i have given up on my ex, with all the people around me convincing me how bad of a person she is and all the horrible things she did to me, i have finally given up. she probably wasnt going to come back anyways, she is convinced she is better off without me and that this new guy and her new path is what she wants. i wish her all the best and hope she finds happiness, i really do. she cheated on me twice while we were together and always made things my fault, when all this time it was her problem. she hasnt found who she is and so she took it all out on me because she was more worried about who her/I were as an entity and not who she was. it hurts but maybe it is for the best, maybe if she comes back later on, a better person and sure of herself, i would maybe think about giving us a try again, but for who she is right now, it would be going around in the same vicious circle. i mean what kinda person would hurt me so bad that it makes me need to go back on my meds and to go to group therapy. what kind of a person would hurt someone that bad and keep hurting them months after they broke their heart. maybe it is payback for what i did to her, but i never meant to do any of that, she is meaning to do this. i am sorry i am down and negative, but i am hurting and maybe this is what i need to do to let go and move on. any advice is welcome and thank you to everyone out there who has helped me along the way.