comparing future partners to your "biggest love" that you lost

[radiohead20]

Hey guys,

 

They say "it is better to love and lost than to never have loved at all" .

 

That is the only thing that seems to be getting me through my heartbreak I am currently in. I lost a girl that I could have seen myself marrying, no doubt. She had all the things I wanted in a women, and then some. She was purely honest/trusting. We could just about do anything and have fun. She helped improve myself and vice versa. On top of that, she was my perfect physical type. Everything was there. And I accepted her faults as is, and found alot of them endearing, becuase they were innocent.

 

I just don't see myself meeting anyone up to her level again....Does this change ever for people? Or am I doomed to go on date after date in the future and never settle down becuase no one lives up to her?

 

I know its bad to compare, and that people re-marry after divorce and losing their "soulmates", but I dont want to be that kind of person. I dont want to find someone that is just "ok" or someone that doesnt compare to the one I lost. Its not fair to them and I'd be living a lie.

[Seraphim]

I guess the way to think of it is : would I want to be compared against a dream?

[Stay_home]

To have loved and to have lost, to experience defeat, failures and a fall from grace are just natural facets to life that we have to learn to accept. I've never believed in soulmates, the last time I believed in such a folklore I was picking up the pieces to my shattered heart thrown off the edge of a distant planet. I never made that mistake again. Because what I realized is that sometimes people in your life will come and go for a reason and sometimes the reason you cannot always control. You cannot always choose who you fall in love with, but you can choose how you love.

 

Some people will have a chemistry with and some people we don't. And there are a ton of people that you can have chemistry with but just not the kind of chemistry that would make a relationship stand the test of time. For others you may have chemistry with, the possibility is much greater. But that's just it, there are others that you can meet. Some of course, just don't choose to take the risk. Being hurt once, twice, falling in love too many times with the wrong person, once, twice, these things jade us and we forget that there are other people out in the world. So usually are first instinct to "never" again becomes so gripping that it paralyzes us. We give up.

 

That's why if you do decide to date again, don't look for someone like your ex. Meet someone different, someone who talks different, acts different, walks different. When the time is right, go out there and meet some of these other folks in the world and don't make the mistake of living in the past with the things used to be with your ex. She's gone, so it's time to move on with your life.

[Coily]

Having a similar ideal woman who was the marker which all others were held against I found that I was only denying myself the opportunity to find someone else who fulfilled me in other ways. You will have to settle, but realize that there is rarely someone who hasn't. Plus you can have a great memory to think on in the rough times with that someone else.

[_Asti_]

Why did the relationship end if she was so perfect and everything you wanted a dream come true? Was it really meant to be and she was the one if it ended?

 

I think you need to take 'her' off a pedestal and stop idolizing her and making her out to be 'the one who got away' and should have been with. It won't do you any good. Clearly it wasn't meant to be, and by trying to find someone like her, you may miss out on someone totally different who could actually also be a wonderful match.

[Natasha24]

I just don't see myself meeting anyone up to her level again....Does this change ever for people? Or am I doomed to go on date after date in the future and never settle down becuase no one lives up to her?

 

I know its bad to compare, and that people re-marry after divorce and losing their "soulmates", but I dont want to be that kind of person. I dont want to find someone that is just "ok" or someone that doesnt compare to the one I lost. Its not fair to them and I'd be living a lie.

 

Yes, you will eventually get over this. But right now, you shouldn't even be dating. You're clearly still in love with her and you don't WANT to find anyone new. Until your feelings for her subside, you won't be able to find someone else that you like.

 

I promise, you will eventually get over her. I know it feels like you will never find anyone who you love as much as you loved her, but you will. Just give it time. You are imagining her as some kind of god, but she's not. Distract yourself with work/school/hobbies and try to stop thinking about her. Once she fades from your mind, you'll be able to find someone better.

[BrianH46]

It's only that way if you look at your breakup as a loss. If you look at it as a gain, different story. I know people hung up on their "first love" years after the breakup, not because of love but because of an illusion created by their belief in having met a soul mate. If you let that go, you'll begin seeing just how many amazing people are out there.

[radiohead20]

It's only that way if you look at your breakup as a loss. If you look at it as a gain, different story. I know people hung up on their "first love" years after the breakup, not because of love but because of an illusion created by their belief in having met a soul mate. If you let that go, you'll begin seeing just how many amazing people are out there.

 

 

It's difficult. I guess the most dificult part is that I KNOW that she was the one. I guess I don't think she is literally "perfect" or that "there is no one that is going to compare". I know there are 6 billion people on this planet and there are others. I just feel as if it is going to be extremely difficult to meet someone that I feel that comfortable about marrying/staying with. I mean, i've dated a lot of people and been in a few long term (3+ month) relationships with women and no one literally compares, I felt torn and hurt after a few of those breakups but this one feels different. In addition to the obvious heartache that comes with losing someone there is a sort of depressing hopelessness that I lost someone great and someone that I am going to regret losing for a long time.

 

And if you any of you are wondering, the reasons we broke up were pretty much outside our control. We both wanted to be with each other.

[BrianH46]

It's difficult. I guess the most dificult part is that I KNOW that she was the one. I guess I don't think she is literally "perfect" or that "there is no one that is going to compare". I know there are 6 billion people on this planet and there are others. I just feel as if it is going to be extremely difficult to meet someone that I feel that comfortable about marrying/staying with.

 

And if you any of you are wondering, the reasons we broke up were pretty much outside our control. We both wanted to be with each other.

 

Naw I read your post, getting your ex pregnant and all. I know the feeling and I was stuck in your mentality for the longest time, but I got so sick of feeling depressed and forced myself to say, "she wasn't the one every morning" (still doing it) I've met quite a few girls after her and they didn't even begin to compare but now I'm dating one that I am starting to fall hard for. And if I kept my ex was the one mentality I would be oblivious to the incredible charm my current woman has.

[BrianH46]

And one more thing about that, after being on this forum for a while and having experiences of my own. When a woman wants to be with you she will go through extreme lengths to due so, from dealing with abuse, being the other woman, staying together despite being continents apart, being married to a serviceman, forgiving cheating etc etc... Hell hath no wrath as a woman's scorn but when they love you and want to be with you, they will.

[radiohead20]

Sorta good news everyone, It appears as though she wants to work things out and she is going to insane lengths to want to stay with me. Problem is I planned to be in the baby's life AND support the mother for the first 6-9 months when she needs it most (I didnt think this girl would stay with me so I made plans after we cut things off....). The mother doesnt have any family nearby and I figure it is the best thing to do in the short term. I can't back out on this..we already made plans and baby is involved. I told the girl I want to be with her and that we are still broken up and I need to sort my stuff out first but that I still love her dearly. I told her to never forget what we have but that she needs to live her life and finish her schooling (she has a year left in a different state) and hopefully we can re-connect again when I sort everything out and get comfortable with my situation. Her main insecurity is that I will get back together with my ex and I promised her that will never happen.

 

In short, we are still broken up but on a "break" until I figure my stuff out, even though I did tell her if she wants to see other people she can, if she doesn want to wait for me she can move on. What I actually want is for her to wait for me until I figure stuff out and we can re-connect and try again - but that is not fair to her - this is why I told her she can move on and date other people and to not wait for me, even though I will probably be back. I care about her well-being and her life/career/etc and don't want to shunt that because of this.