Anger/sadness bring out my feelings for ex more.... not good...

[sonicfan287]

Ive noticed a pattern since the breakup, which probably isnt uncommon but my anger or sadnes regarding OTHER events end up bringing me back to thinking about my ex and just cause an extremely uncomfortable feeling that sometimes has physical symptoms such as causing me to need to sit down because Im feeling light headed or unable to think clearly.

 

Most recently, tonight at work, I was moving some pallets of freight and its very tough to drag the heavy pallets on our cheap carpetting because of all the friction... well tonight was particularely annoying because I happened to pull out a piece of carpetting, and while trying to cope with this and come up with a way to keep moving the pallet and also get the piece of carpetting out from under it without damaging the carpet more, I started thinking of her.... like a LOT, and I got SO angry...

 

I know it sounds dumb NOW but at that time, I honestly thought I was ALWAYS going to feel that way. I thought I was just trapped in that emotion, in that moment of just feeling helpless, both in work and in my relationship.... which is now gone. And I goit another urge to contact her.... which are becoming stronger but this was going to be an angry text... a VERY angry text... in fact, what I was going to say was "hope youre happy, because you ruined my f**king life!" and I was SO close to doing it too... and then I just dropped the pallet, starting pacing around for a bit (probably wouldve looked stupid if someone walked by and saw me but wouldnt be the first time) and regrouped. Even though the thoughts were still there, I was able to finish but it just worries me...

 

I can contain anger towards her when it just comes on its own, but when it comes as a result of something else, I get really stuck... I mean, lets face it, a lot of things in life will anger or sadden us, but why should that make me think of her too? Then I realized, a lot of times when I was having a rough day or night or sad or whatever, Id get a message from her.... back in the good old days. She used to send me messages, almost as if she KNEW I was sad, which is impossible but at the very moment something went wrong, Id get a text from her saying "Whats the matter, babe? Are you having a rough day?" or something... she was ALWAYS right there... very good at reading me, probably one of the only people to do that. I close off my emotions to almost everyone other than my family, so when other people come accross me, I come off emotionally neutral, but she always knew what bothered me, no matter how small or silly it was... and now that shes gone, I just feel like Im coping with these emotions on my own and it just makes me angrier that she isnt there... and angry at myself sometimes because I cant help but feel that is my fault... I know its not, but if I had just done more things right... she may still be there wondering how I am...

 

Idk.... I feel better now, and I really shouldnt have relied on her as my only emotional outlet because now its left me feeling very closed off.

[Xylitol]

While men are babies their communication cores are burned and our eyes are more focused on what lies in front of us, females are naturally able to communicate better therefore, and their eyes are more focused on what goes on around them, for this reason they are better at noticing subtle things that go on, so it means you might have no idea what is going on with yourself, and you might be emotionally unskilled enough to do something about your own situation.

 

I think you took the right step by communicating about it on the forums , this because if you notice that you are unable to detect these subtle things that are going on with yourself, someone else(forum person/counceller/psychiatrist) might be able to detect what is going on with you. This because its not good to make your heart a murderhole, you'll only boil over if you keep your emotions to yourself, its not healthy for your mental status.

 

I think that personally you STILL rely on her, as an emotional supporting pillar, this is wrong because a woman can pack her bags and leave anyday, if you then don't have a life of your own to fall back on, then you start to become emotionally unstable as a result of co-dependency, all forms of co-dependency are wrong, because you need to fall back on yourself and stand on your own legs in life. You are the sun, and the rest of the people in your life are just the planets around it so to speak, the balancing of those planets is important, but the sun doesn't depend on those planets, it shines on its own strenght.

 

You can bring in information to make yourself more emotionally stronger, and for me i also had a problem of co-dependency. I relied on others to make my life happy, but what if that person leaves me, or dies? Then its only you yourself that is left right? They basically say that you need to have compassion for your own situation, and understand that you don't have control over what has happened in the past, you must separate the past from the future, and look at the things that you can control in life. You can't help earthquakes stop from happening, people leaving you, or people dying. So its better to focus on the things that you can do, for instance, people who are co-dependent and get hurt, tend to shut themselves off from other people, i myself suffering from the parent abandonment syndrome, my co-dependency shut myself off completely from any social intereaction from others and thinking that nobody loved me ruined me for at least 70 years,

 

The thing is, you are ALWAYS 100% responsible for your own life, you aren't always in control, but you are always responsible for your own life, when you make that mistake of giving your emotions and the responsibility of your own life to people who they don't belong to, you just become an emotional soccerball for them to play with.

 

So , there's an important difference between responsibility and control, for you its important to bring back the power of your life back where it belongs, namely in your own hands. You need to have compassion for your own situation, and separate the past from the present, that way you can start loving yourself unconditionally for who you are, and then you can start loving others, without sacrificing your soul to them, and have healthy social intereactions with people who you think that will contribute to your life.

[EmmaB78]

This happens to me too - I think it's just the remnants of the emotional support we used to get. My ex is still the first person I want to run to when I have a problem - luckily, he makes it easy to stay away because the few times I tried it, he just made it worse with his sarcasm, dismissiveness, and seeming glee in my bad day.

[quirky]

Great post Hylitol.

 

I get that too sonicfan. I think it is because you are already struggling and anything on top of it just brings it out even more, even small things. I wasn't relying on him too much emotionally but sometimes if I struggle at the new workplace or if everyday things are not working out I might still get angry at him for leaving me to it..which is crazy. I am still resentful of my ex's need for space, it hasn't done me much good yet..but who knows what life has in store, maybe something great.

 

I am sure those feelings or the anger you have will pass with time and it's great you can identify some of your difficulties.