Getting back with the ex

[RFB]

So your ex left you and you’re hurting. You desperately want them back. What do you do?

Do you go NC? What about limited contact or limited initiated contact? Do you wait a month before you contact them? Or maybe half a year? Do you improve all of your faults and show them how much you’ve changed? Do you try and make them jealous by dating others?

 

Does any of that work? Sure, once in a blue moon it does. But odds are it won’t. They left for a reason and that’s because they didn’t see a life with you. No matter what they say, no matter how much they tell you they still have feelings for you, that’s the cold hard fact. They didn’t see a future with you. People don’t break up with people they really care about on the spur of the moment. They usually take a long time to make that decision. And when they do, most often they just don’t care about you that much. They may not want to hurt you, but they don’t care enough to make it work. You are no longer in their plans. All that other stuff is just excuses. They were too busy with their career. They were too occupied with school. If only you were a little more like this or a little less like that.

 

My advice to you, if you really have broken up and this isn’t some silly little lovers quarrel that will be resolved in a couple of weeks, accept the breakup and move on. Nothing you can do at this stage will make a dam bit of difference anyway. Most likely anything you do now will just make you look desperate and weak. If they really want to come back they will contact you. They will reach out in some way and make a move. They are totally in control now. TOTALLY.

 

That is unless you make a move to reclaim your life by accepting the breakup and letting go. Really, that’s all any of us can do. Let go and move on as if they are not coming back. And if you win the lotto and they make meaningful contact with you(and I stress meaningful) you can decide at that stage if you want to let them back into your life and see what happens.

 

So stop with the plans to get them back and start focussing on the idea of making a life without them. Because the vast majority of us don’t get a second chance. Move on and let the future take care of itself.

[Donovan79]

I'll just add to that that yes, people should try to move on, but while doing that there's nothing wrong about being very honest with yourself about what happened. Usually it's not all one person's fault, and it's a balance between 1) what you were doing, 2) where they were at, and 3) circumstances.

 

Sometimes circumstances like a mom getting sick or an ex coming back mean that even though you and your partner might have been able to make it work in a different world ("see ya in another life, brotha"), it's not a different world, it's this one, and things weren't meant to be. And sometimes it's all the ex, they're just insane, you were perfect, and good riddance.

 

But more often than not it's a balance of all three, and the best you can do is learn from what you did wrong. Did you give up your life and friends and become clingy? Did you handle money badly and become unreliable? Did you get possessive and mean? Did you put on weight and act like a slob? All of these are things can be fixed and need to be or you'll have the same issues with whoever comes next.

 

But yes, moving on is indeed the way to go. Sad as it is, Making An Ex Want Me Again and Machine-Free Flight are two things that humans simply cannot plan and carry out successfully.

[ghengisT]

This was of great benefit to me during my breakup:

 

I will say- it was 3months since I had seen her. We ran into each other last weekend outside of a pub. We were so happy to see each other, within 5 minutes, we we're making out. We're now talking regularly, and being intimate. All though we're not exclusive officially due to her trying to dial in some other situation(s) in life (huge red-flag for me by the way). We've discussed what needed to be different going forward (spent a good 4-5 hours over a span of 2 days discussing why we failed).

 

The best conclusion I have drawn from this situation was that she felt I was never going to change, I had gotten too comfortable, lost sight of my own interests & goals. I told her she needs to date other people, because that's what I'm doing. She has asked me to wait a few weeks until things in her life calm down, before we jump back into things (although we already have).

 

Nobody wants to open themselves up to get hurt, but if you don't take that risk, the relationship never stood a chance to begin with. That's where I'm at. I had my feelings & dreams for this woman crushed 3 months ago, and here I am willing to do it again, because I know that if she does decide to 'burn me' after all we've talked about, and discussion of working things out, I gave it my best shot, and I wasn't the reason for the relationship's failure.

 

Read the stories in my signature for more insight.

[duke nukem]

Good advice OP. And it's the truth, you can't actively try to win back someone's affection, at least not in a healthy manner. Just work for you and let everything else fall as it may.