Not fitting in at work

[mitchie85]

I recently started a new job and feel like I just don’t fit in.

I’m in an Admin Support role and my colleagues are predominantly women in the 50’s-60’s age group with one woman who is 36, I’m 26.

People were very distant when I first started and the woman I share a work space with (36 yr old) came accross as cold. It’s a very busy office environment so I just put it down to this and didn’t think any more about it.

Then in my third week my manager took me aside and told me that the ladies in the office had been working together for years, were at similar ages and stages of life and had developed relationships where they could joke around with each other. I hadn’t developed that relationship and I needed to be aware of the difference. This really surprised and upset me because I thought I was starting to get along well with everyone. I asked my manager if I’d offended anyone and if I needed to apologise and was told this was “just an observation”. I put it behind me and just focused on my work.

Last week I had my three monthly performance review. They were really happy with my work and felt that I was ready to pick up more responsibilities but felt that I needed to work on developing good relationships with people.

This is really getting me down, I’m starting to feel like I can’t do anything to please these people. I made a real effort get along with everyone. They’re all mothers with teenagers so I tried to show an interest in what their kids were up to, tried to find things we have in common etc and came out cold. As far as relationship issues go I think it’s a mutual problem!

My probation period is six months but I’m already thinking of looking for another job.

I've never had this kind of problem before, I usually get along well with everyone!

Has anyone else been through this? What did you do?

Any advice would be appreciated

[d24]

i've always found that two things break down barriers:

alcohol and biscuits?

 

...best stick with biscuits/cakes in this situation ;-)

[Minx2012]

You seem like a very conscientious, thoughtful guy so I am also a bit surprised as to why your boss would take you aside. Although people on this forum don't know you and we can never really know the full truth, there is something to be said about the " gossip circle " that middle-aged women can create. From the way you write and your observations, you don't seem to be oblivious to things so it MIGHT be attributed to that. However, there are people out there who might be oblivious to the signs they give out. Maybe you seem " too interested " or " try too hard " in breaking into their circle and this is what they find " unnerving " ( even though it IS petty ).

[bulletproof]

I would agree with D24, at least about the biscuits. I've brought homemade cookies into a job to break the ice and it seems to work pretty well.

 

You could also maybe focus on who you work the closest with, or who's being the nicest to you, and really try to build a relationship with that person first. It's easier than trying to conquer the whole bunch, and then that person may tell the others to ease up on you.

[bulletproof]

You seem like a very conscientious, thoughtful guy so I am also a bit surprised as to why your boss would take you aside. Although people on this forum don't know you and we can never really know the full truth, there is something to be said about the " gossip circle " that middle-aged women can create. From the way you write and your observations, you don't seem to be oblivious to things so it MIGHT be attributed to that. However, there are people out there who might be oblivious to the signs they give out. Maybe you seem " too interested " or " try too hard " in breaking into their circle and this is what they find " unnerving " ( even though it IS petty ).

 

The OP is a woman.

[friendsoulmate]

I have been through a similar experience as you have over the past, approximately 8 years, of working in an office environment. My situation is similar to what you describe, married or single mothers in their 40's-60's, with an office culture which more heavily values married and family life, starting at a young age, and can't relate to singles without children. I have also felt socially awkward and like a misfit. I decided to work in an office, because the community colleges emphasize computer technology and office skills to best advance one's earning potential. I would still much rather work in this office environment, as compared to some of the physical labor jobs I had done in the past, such as working in a garage or for a contractor, with jerky-type personalities.

[abitbroken]

I would just focus on your job performance. Your boss might have told you that everyone had a relationship not to tell you that you were doing something wrong, but to encourage you not to worry about if you felt a little excluded in the jokes. If they are going to give you more responsibilities, it is a good sign. I agree with bringing in cookies. But I would not force a relationship or focus on anyone - just be kind and polite and courteous. it goes a long way.