New here...seeking help

[lonelyOhio]

Hi.

I'm new here and...well...quite literally went to "google" and searched for "falling out of love" and wound up here rather quickly.

 

I'm a 29 year old male, been married to a 31 year old woman for 8 years and have a daughter with this person who will be 9 in a few months.

 

I'm not sure where to have posted this so here it is.

 

For the last several years I have not felt "in love" with my wife. She has worked 2nd shift for the last 6 years and refuses to take days off well in advance to do anything with me...or us.

Most of our conversations are arguing about something (usually money, or something equally negative...like my faults that she has a running list of), and they are usually really short because I see her maybe 12% out of the whole year.

I actually sat down and figured it up one day, taking into account my day job, sleeping, and going back and forth to work.

 

A few years ago I almost left her for someone I had met and made, what I felt, was a deep connection with. After nearly 9 months of this "near relationship" with this other woman I decided to let her go. I told myself: "I loved her too much to drag her through my potential splitting up with my wife" and let her go her own way.

 

I regret that decision here 2 years later.

 

What am I to do?

 

I still have strong feelings for this other woman. We are really good friends and she even has a child near the same age as mine.

She's supportive of what I do, and is always trying to push me to do "more" rather than "just enough". Where as the wife is always trying to critisize things too much.

 

The other woman in question is currently married. I went to her wedding...which was somewhat sureal considering the circumstances.

 

I thought I would come here and get some advice on what to do from a neutral group (people who I don't know personally).

 

Did I let one get away?

 

I've been pretty much unhappy with my marriage for 6 years...help...

[sisterlynch]

First of all welcome to enotalone, we are the relationship rescue people..

 

You really need to find a good counselor in the area where you are living and think through the entire program with another impartial jury.

 

Pining over someone who got away is waisted energy, so I wouldn't recommend that too long.

 

Get some advise and get a lawyer, so that you will start to feel happy again.

 

Sorry that this is sounding so negative...

[Mun]

Hello there,

I think that if your wife is not willing to work to keep this marriage together then you are out of luck. There is only so much one person can do to keep it together. I don't like divorce because it is so hard on everyone involved ( I know--been through it) but sometimes there is no other option.

 

I don't think it will do you any good too keep pinning for the other lady. She is already married to someone else.

 

You really just need to find out what it is YOU want from your marriage. Do you want to keep it together or not? Once you figure out what you want to do then you can take the next step

[ImfeelingBlue]

Hey lonely...

 

I'm sorry to hear about what you have been going through. But I would like to just offer a few comments not through my own experience but thru my fathers. Try to flow with me. My father told me a few years ago, about 4 that he was unhappy with my mother. Imagine me being a preteen and hearing this? He was seeing someone else and always said he felt forced into marriage. And it wasn't that he didn't love my mother but he felt rushed into it and should've thought through it more. Maybe he could have been happier. That hurt me a lot. It hurt and kind of felt okay to know he could talk to me like a friend but regardless he is my dad. Some things you don't tell your child but I guess he confided in me because I'm the one person in the world who just has his heart. His words. I asked him 2 stay just until...u know...til his head is clear. I'm 18 and he is still here. He left the other woman alone for me. He stayed and worked through marriage and to my knowledge found just enough love to stay married to my mother. They talked (I've overheard) and they go to the movies together, spend more time together, but still have their share of fights.

 

All I'm saying is..put your daughter in my shoes for a second. If after a while no compromise can happen, then u do need to leave. Marriage is a relationship between a man and a woman. It doesn't stop love or responsibility for your daughter or to your family. And its like a relationship..if you have tried and tried then its just going to have to give. You deserve 2 b happy just like anyone else..try counseling...do all that u can to save it. But if its beyond saving, atleast you know u gave it your all for your marriage, for your daughter. Sorry if it sounds unfair and partial. Just a thought you know? As for the other woman, you might wanna let it be for the mere fact that she is married and 1 marriage would be enough 2 have been broken if u decide to do anything don't u think? Like I said...just comments not law. Good luck. Take care.