tired of being this way...(vent)

[under_the_pressure]

This is mostly just a vent, so you don't have to read it.

 

I'm really 'bummin' today. I got evaluated, but my Mom came into the room and sit right there. I lied on most things, held back and tried to seem happy. I think I did okay, because they said I didn't have much depression. (right...) I cried, twice. I felt like such a loser, I hate crying in front of my Mom.

 

He put me on Topamax. That's probably spelled wrong but whatever. It's for my moods. I want to get better, I'm sick of being this way and I'm really trying...

 

I have become really numb. I thought it was because I was getting better, but I realized it's because I'm numb. Instead of showing it and talking about it, I just close it out. Which I shouldn't.

 

I'm going to get better and I know it takes time. I'm just sick of being this way. But with the life I live there isn't any way you could be Yippy Skippy. I just found out that my uncle is getting his electricity shut off so I'm sure mom will want to 'relocate' again. I'm sick of being homeless.

 

I just want to cry, but anymore when I cry I feel so...weak. Because I cry I feel like that is a weakness and I shouldn't. I don't cry over my Grandpa dying or my Aunt dying. But when I do cry, I don't know what I cry over, and I feel like I shouldn't cry without a purpose.

 

The doctor asked me if I liked myself today, and I said yeah. I don't have a problem with the way I look, if I lost a few pounds I would not complain but I'm not exactly going to try. Sure I'm not Miss Supermodel, but I am 'pretty.' My mom and that doctor looked at me, like I was crazy for liking myself.

 

Whatever. Everyone is screaming now, about money. Why is money so important, I'm sick of hearing about it.

 

I wish I had a room to go to. *sigh* I give.

 

If you read this, thanks. I'm having a bad day, my first BAD day in a long time. I know, I'll have good and bad days.

 

Love to Everyone,

under*

[EmptySoul]

I know you're going to get better, and you'll have that life you dream about. Keep dreaming, keep hoping.

 

Empty

[avman]

Hey now, remember being evaluated for your mental state isn't like passing a test. Just be yourself. Don't lie about how you are feeling because then the doctor will not be able to help you.

 

Crying is not a weakness. Its the body's way of coping with stress. If you feel like crying, then cry. Its totally ok. If you don't cry, then you start doing other things more destructive to cope (cutting, drinking, abusing drugs, etc). So don't underestimate the healing that crying can do.

 

And I am thrilled to hear you say that you like yourself. Good for you! Don't you ever let anyone tell you that you shouldn't like yourself. Be who you are. Let people love you for the real you. Let the doctor help you get some treatment so that you don't have to hold back on life.

 

You're gonna make it. You'll see.

[Meow18]

Under, you have it difficult. Obviously you know that, so that sentence probably sounded stupid. I've been reading a lot of your posts & I can't even believe that you at just 14 are going through all this.

 

I'm so sorry. I really wish I could help, but all I can do is give you advice. I don't blame you for feeling the way you do. I think anyone in your situation would feel the way you do.

 

I hate to say this, but you just have to hang in there. I think its wonderful that you like who you are. Many people would lose their self confidence. It takes a strong person to go through what you are going through. It seems like you don't let what others think of you get in the way of what you think about yourself & I believe thats one of the hardest things. Its so amazing to me.

 

I think its good that you cry, as weird as that might seem. It helps to get out what you can. It also helps to write in a journal or something. Talk to your mom. Talk to whoever will listen because it does help.

 

You can pm me or add me to messenger if you would like to talk anytime.

[under_the_pressure]

Empty,

 

I know I'll have the life I've always dreamt of, and I'll always keep dreaming. I still love you, I wish this wasn't happening to us.

 

 

Avman,

 

I want the doctor to help but I couldn't say some things with Mom in the room, I just couldn't and she wouldn't leave. I plan to go in next time by myself and really explain.

I used to cut and it's not for me. I don't want to harm myself any longer, because when this is all done, I don't want marks on my skin to remind me.

 

Thanks for saying I'm going to make it, knowing that people believe in me, means alot. I don't get too much support at home.

 

 

Maggie,

 

I could always have it worse and I hate the fact knowing somebody out there, does have it worse. I wish people didn't have to go through these things.

I now keep an online journal because I have no privacy here. People go through my things and I would love to talk with my Mom about it, but sadly she doesn't understand and doesn't want to. It hurts her too bad.

 

I'm glad you have faith in me, and think I'm a strong person. That means alot to me that you are willing to help me and be there for me and you barely know me. Thanks for helping me out here and many of my other posts.

 

 

You all mean alot to mean, I could never re-pay you. All I can do is thank you for being there for me and be there for you in return.

 

Love to All,

under*

[i_hate_the_world47]

Under,

I am so sorry your feeling like this.Like maggie said,no 14 year old should be going through what you have/are.But you have to stay strong.You have over come so many obstacles dont let that all go to waste now.You have so much to live for.I hope your days begin to get better.If you ever need to talk im here for you.

 

~meagan~

[mtastic]

Hi under,

 

I'm getting to this a little late, but i want to voice my support for you as well. I'm in total agreement with what everyone else said, you are probobly one of the strongest people I know, and sometimes when reading your posts or talking to you, I even forget that you're only 14. just keep that strenght going for now, things will get better for you.

 

Don't be afraid to cry, everybody does it, i think its necessary for most people. Like Avman said, there are a lot worse ways you could be relieving your stress.

 

Best of Luck to you,

mtastic

[under_the_pressure]

Meagan,

 

Thanks for caring too. It means alot, you help me out more then you'd ever know. I hope I do the same amount for you. You are an amazing girl and thanks for being there.

 

 

Mtastic,

 

Wow, you truly mean alot to me. You've helped me so much just in the last week...I couldn't never repay you. You are a terrific guy and I'm glad we're friends. You know I'm always here. Thanks for everything, for knowing that I'm strong.

 

 

With people like eNotAlone behind me, knowing I have tons of friends who believe in me, helps alot. Thanks to everyone.

 

Love to All,

under*