I'm lost (and it's my fault)

[bsi]

I've been married seven years now and I have an 18 month old daughter. About 4 years ago I met someone at work and we became best friends. About a year later I cheated and fell in love. I've confessed to my wife but I don't feel that I love her. I'm scared to lose my daughter (even though I deserve it) but I know it could be worse for her to stay together.

 

My relationship with my wife has not been great (we have not been good friends since before any of this started) but not been bad either. We don't scream and yell and she has said she wants to keep me. I totally do not deserve her and hate what I've done and how bad I hurt her. I have to accept responsibility for what I've done. This is true even though I wasn't getting what I need out of a relationship (not an excuse for what I did though because I am at fault for the cheating). Otherwise my best friend wouldn't be someone else. She loves me, is no longer married, and has 2 kids. I can't stand not being with her.

 

Writing this, it sounds obvious what I should do but it's hard and I worry about the devastated lives and hurt feelings this will cause in both families. I hope there are some people that can sound off about this. Thanks.

[fmfisdead]

Ick, I can't say that I would ever want to be involved in where your at, but I can say to a degree I was kind of where you are. Except I had no kids or marriages to break up. Its hard when your logic tells you one thing, yet your heart is pulling you in another direction. I guess in the end you gotta decide whats gonna be best for you and your daughter. I'm sorry this sort of thing had to happen to you, pm me anytime you need it, and let me know what happens. good luck

[bsi]

I hate hurting people. If I had made better choices, this wouldn't be an issue. I've known for years and years that I wasn't happy. I'm selfish because I let her take care of me while I sat there unhappy and unwilling to talk about it to anyone. Obviously its more complicated than what I wrote. I mean things like she is very religious and I'm not at all. Lack of common interests. She's an extrovert and I'm introverted. I'm never comfortable with her in social situations because she often puts me on the spot about things in front of other people. So, she isn't perfect, but in no way deserves what I did. I feel I'm a terribly selfish person but I'm also very confused about what love is and how it can be so great with someone else I'm not supposed to have.

[melrich]

Bsi, in these situations you have to follow your heart. You have acknowledge and accepted that you did the wrong thing which is a good first step. Don't compound it now by trying to rebuild a loveless marriage because you think the it is the right thing to do for reasons of family, finances, not hurting other people. fact is if you do not love your wife you will do more damage by trying to manufacture a relationship than you will by causing some pain and grief by seperating. sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.

 

If you separate now and work on building an amicable relationship with your ex wife there is no reason why in the future you can't have a great friendship with her and a great relationship with your daughter. A word of warning though. Don't pursue the woman you had an affair with. It will not be the same and you will be surprised how much guilt and sadness you will carry after seperating from your wife. You will need to take time alone to deal with all of that.

[bsi]

Basically I feel my wife is a safety net and it's wrong. I can't say what will happen after it's over because I don't know. I understand the first part of your message. Is it relevant to consider why this happened? Is it just two people not made for each other or did my inability to deal with my emotions somehow cause this? I can't tell how the guilt and selfishness just eats you away to the point of being sick. What I did before the affair was wrong, the affair was wrong, and to date, what I've done after is wrong. I just don't know where to start.

[Scout]

I think it's time you seek counseling. Not because you're nuts or anything, but because I am afraid you are in such inner turmoil right now, you are going to make even more wrong choices. Quick, talk to a professional and see if you can get some of this more logically sorted out in your head before you do anything.

[bsi]

I have tried that, but I need to see someone else. The person I had was very religious (as is the marriage counselor we went to). I have nothing against religion or religious people, it just doesn't help me. I need some real world help – something to grab on to here so that I can pull myself up. Anyway, I'm going to have to try again on the shrink.

[melrich]

Your inner turmoil is perfectly normal. I went through the same thing myself and for months I could not make the decision. I'd decide one way then an hour later talk myself out of it and go the other way. Your heart tells you one thing and your head tells you something else.

 

But at the end of it I made the decision based on my heart and looking back now I know it is the only one I could have made. The truth is you know what you have to do, you are just scared of doing it and that is the hardest thing to get through. Believe me, your friends, family and even after time your wife, will respect and admire you more for making the decision than they will if you just let a bad situation drag out. The sooner you find the courage to do what you know you have to do, the better it will be for everyone, including you. Just remember 1000's of people around the world go through this every day and most of them come out the other side happy balanced people.

[Scout]

Just remember 1000's of people around the world go through this every day and most of them come out the other side happy balanced people.

 

They do? That's news to me. I don't know too many people who have left their spouse for another person without some serious consequences occurring, some of them permanent.

[melrich]

Of course there are serious consequences from a marriage break up. I am not suggesting there are not and some people carry bitterness or depression with them for years but the majority of people, after a period of time, re-establish themselves and find happiness in their new circumstances.

In a survey recently completed by the Family Law Council it was found that 86% of divorcees were happy and either in another relationship or comfortable on their own within 2 years of finalising their divorce. Further, 73% reported amicable or friendly relationships with their exes after two years of finalising divorce. Unfortunatley it is usuually the more dramatic minority that we hear about.

 

It takes time and in the raw emotions immediately after seperation it will seem like your whole world has fallen apart and that you will never be happy or whole again. But those feelings pass...unless you are the type that wants to hold onto them.

[bsi]

I'm not sure I'm balanced right now....I mean for years I felt like I just wasn't good enough for her. She would talk down to me - in social situations. I would just let her do and sometimes get mad (later on) in the car going home or whatever. I mean there are tons of details as to why I am unhappy. The thing I told the marriage guy is that I have no leverage. What I did was so wrong it doesn't even compare. How can I possibly bring that stuff up?

 

I look forward to two things every day. The first is getting home to see my daughter. The second is having lunch with my best friend - the person I had an affair with. I've had lunch with her almost every day for 4 years. Some of it has been with a group of common friends we have (I have no common friends with my wife) but most of it has just been us. This in not like ANY close relationship I've ever had with anyone. We talk and I share things with her I don't tell my wife because I have no desire to. There isn't anyone else in my life. I'm rambling but this isn't some fling I found for sex. I don't know how to put that in words.

[bsi]

I can't hold on to those feelings any more. I'm just not capable of it. I've failed miserably in my life and I want to fix it, be a better man, and provide for my daughter.