frustrated

[catgirl82]

so my boyfriend and i broke up about a week ago (1.5 year relationship) for the past few months, he was always stressed out and taking it out on the relationship and not treating me wiht all the attention and respect i deserved. it was definetly time to break up. so we didnt talk for a few days and we were both miserable. he called me a couple nights ago and told me he had this epiphany about how he was wrong and his priorities were all wrong and he would do ANYTHING to get me back and that he couldnt live his life without me, blah blah blah. i didnt know what to do. i said maybe we could slowly work on a friendship, but defietly no relationship, not for a LONG time at least. so last night we talked online and it was a mess. instead of slowly starting over, all the old issues from our relationship came up and we just kept on fighting and fighting. it was horrible, i am so sad. hes begging me to just be patient and work with him. we cant tear ourselves away from eachother. its so sad. i dont know what to do, help me

[sonjam]

When trying to start over with an old relationship, the first thing to do is make a promise, both of you, to leave the past behind you. Neither one of you will be allowed to bring up old grievances, or fight about things gone past. You are not allowed to talk about old issues that lead to the breakup in the first place. THis is a NEW old relationship. If he or you start to break the promise, the other one has to stop in their tracks and refuse to continue the conversation, until it is on safe ground again.

 

The next thing to do is to go out on a proper date, like you did when you just met, go do something interesting, get into a different setting where you won't have time, or feel like talking about issues, do something fun and laugh together again, remember why you started dating in the first place.

 

If these don't work, well, then I don't know either. This worked for a friend of mine who got back together with his wife, after they broke up because of her cheating on him with her boss. Imagine how hard it must have been for him to not talk about their past, but he endured, and they have been together again for close to 11 months, and happier than ever...

[Scout]

When trying to start over with an old relationship, the first thing to do is make a promise, both of you, to leave the past behind you. Neither one of you will be allowed to bring up old grievances, or fight about things gone past. You are not allowed to talk about old issues that lead to the breakup in the first place.

 

I mean no offense to you Sonjam, but I could not disagree more emphatically with your advice. A reconciliation will not last unless the original problems that lead to the break-up are fixed.

 

Any therapist, relationship book, and most of the posts here on eNotalone will tell you the same thing: you can't ignore the problems that lead to the break up and not discuss them. Sweeping problems under the rug never works.

 

For a relationship to work again, both parties have to understand the key issues that lead to the break-up, they need to understand what both did wrong, and actively work together to solve those problems.

 

To the original poster, your ex is right. You need to have patience, because these problems didn't happen overnight, and they won't be fixed overnight. Keep the discussions open, but with a few ground rules. You will both talk to each other with respect at all times, no matter how sticky the issue you are talking about. You both need to make a commitment to face up to the real issues, talk about them and work through them together - while treating each other with respect.

[evy38]

I agree with the last poster. If you two can't work out these problems alone you may need some kind of mediator to help you learn new ways to listen to each other.