I don't know what to do.

[Zohariel]

I hope someone is willing to read my story... I'm so lost and broken and I don't know what to do. This is my first post on this forum, and I'm so glad I stumbled upon it because I've been having a terrible time trying to get past my first love.

 

When I was 15, I deeply fell in love with a boy in high school. We became best friends instantly and stayed that way for a year. We just always had a connection, something I never had with anyone before. I was in love with him while being his best friend and it killed me on the inside because he didn't feel the same way. I don't know if it was weak to stay friends with him, but I did because I thought that it would be worth having him in my life even though he didn't have feelings for me. However, it ended up ruining me little by little. He would ask me if it would be all right to date girls and what not, and although my heart would protest, there wasn't anything I could do. This created a lot of inner conflict and self-doubt in me and it also lowered my already low self-esteem. He started dating a friend of mine, of which he asked my permission, and after an incredible amount of pain, we stopped communicating.

 

I healed that summer, and when we came back for school, he told me his relationship ended. We started to become friends again. This time, I had my guard up. But, I fell in love with him all over again. In fact, the feelings were probably always there. I just buried them inside and ignored them to try to move on. We spent every day together and everything was just the same as if we never stopped talking. Some could even say that he was flirting with me. But then, he broke my heart once more. He blurted out that he wanted to give it a shot with a girl at school. This absolutely killed me and was probably one of the worst moments I had to experience, because I felt like he was willing to abandon our friendship for some girl. That's when I told him that I could no longer be friends with him, and admitted to him that I was still in love with him. I was leaving our friendship, and that's when everything changed.

 

When we were friends, he had told me that he never genuinely liked a girl before. He dated, yes, but he never knew what the feeling was like. When I decided to leave our friendship, he said that moment was monumental for him because he knew, for the first time, what it was like to be in love. He had realized then that he was in love with me this whole time, but because he didn't know what it was like, it just never got to him. He fought like crazy for us, coming to terms with the way he badly treated me in the past, and I soon gave in.

 

We developed a romantic relationship for 2 and a half years later on. He's a year older than me, and I spent my grade 12 without him while he was attending university (in the same city). Though it was tough, we managed to pull through and come out stronger. As grade 12 was soon ending for me, and after kicking my ass to get amazing grades, I got accepted at a prestigious university accross the country. I decided to accept the offer.

 

Because we knew that I was leaving, we spent the entire summer together before school would begin once again. It was a beautiful summer. But then reality hit and I had to leave.

 

We spent the past year doing long distance and it's probably the most difficult thing we ever had to do. Long story short, I asked for more than he could give. Things were really tough on my side, it was a whole new environment for me, no one I knew in a new city, the stress of university, etc... I relied on him so much to be my friend and my support and for him to comfort me. He was enjoying university life I suppose, and didn't have as much time for me anymore. It felt like he was drifting away from me. We started to fight a lot, and I would feel like he wouldn't be putting in the effort to making us work. The time difference also took a toll on us. Our schedules just never synced... Also, the distance brought out a lot of issues from the past, like the way we got together and how he treated me in the past, that I fear I never forgot or forgave.

 

I didn't go home for Christmas break, so I didn't see him for 7 months. Things were getting really bad and we kept fighting. That's when we decided for me to come home for a week, an attempt to saving our relationship. When I came back home, we made the mistake to neglect our issues and pretend as if we didn't have any problems. A break from reality, I suppose. When I left again, things went back as they were before. The fighting, the miscommunication, etc. That's when I could no longer take it. It felt like he was treating me as an option and not a priority anymore and he was saying I asked for too much. That's when we decided to end things.

 

A month had passed, and I called him sometime throughout because I was still in shock of what happened. I asked him if there was still a chance, and he said that it was unhealthy for us to still be together. That was the last time I talked to him until recently.

 

So, another month and a half passed by with no contact whatsoever, but I still had him in my every day life. I thought of him every single second. It's like I subconsciously did it so that he'd be a part of my life still. I ended up booking a flight home for the summer, but I kept it a secret. I realized this week that it was really unhealthy for me, because the idea of going back home for the summer gave me a sense of hope that we'd somehow still be together. It wasn't helping me move on. Things were building up and I was experiencing life without him and it felt so empty, and so I called him this past Sunday to know how he felt about my coming back.

 

That's when everything fell apart on my side. I initially texted him to ask if he was busy, and to my surprise, he replied enthusiastically. I'd imagine that he'd be having at least a bit of a hard time with the break up, but it sounded like he was already over me. We talked on the phone and caught up a bit, and then told him I was coming home for the summer. I asked him how he felt, and he said that things were really over. The decision we made was final.

 

So here I am now, and I don't know what to do. I feel so lost, as if I'm not living anymore. My heart was shattered in a million pieces after that conversation. There's been this huge pain in my chest ever since, and it's never left me. I think I'm getting panic attacks and at times I need to stop to catch my breath. I'm only starting to realize how much I'm losing... He's my entire life. Panic attacks happen when I think of how our bond is broken and he is no longer there for me, or how he just threw our bond away. It feels like that time again when he almost left our friendship for that girl.

 

I honestly don't know what to do at all. I have finals that I MUST pass and I can't concentrate. I can't sleep and I'm tortured by him - I think of him so much, every single thought is of him, memories mar my mind... Every single thing I see reminds me of him. It feels like he loves life now that I'm not a part of it, and that he let us go. It's like the time we spent not talking to each other made him realize that he was missing out on life. I feel like I'm grieving someone that died... Maybe the boy I knew did die, for a while now.

 

I know I'm young, I'm only 19, but I've never felt this way about someone before. I don't even understand it myself where I get such a drive and passion for someone. I'm still very deeply in love with him. I grew up to be the person that I am now with him; we spent all of high school together. He's so deeply ingrained in me and I can't shake off this terrible feeling. I don't know what to do. I feel like I need to talk to him to tell him these things but I know it's not a good idea. It would only further worsen the problem. I can't explain how I'm feeling right now... I just have so much emptiness knowing that I lost my best friend. There's a hole inside me and I'm so scared. I don't know how to properly heal. I keep looking up his twitter to see how he's doing but it just re-opens the wounds. How do you let go of something you've always wanted?

 

I hope someone is willing to read all of this. I feel so lost right now.

[Nessa46]

Don't worry sweetie we've all been there. You're so young, only 19. You have your whole world ahead of you. Guys mature much more slowly than girls and he's probably not sure what he wants and who he is right now. Take some time and just be happy with you. You are the most important person in this situation.

 

It takes someone who is 100 % happy with themselves to give half of themseleves (50 %) to completes a fully functional relationship.

[Dione]

I read all of your story, and my heart goes so far out to you. We as human beings believe that if we love really truly someone, it has to work out. Seemingly unrequited love is just flat-out not fair. I myself am very guilty of falling under the assumption that relationships should only end when BOTH people have put more than their all to it, and BOTH people aren't very much in love anymore.

 

The feeling of that person ingrained into your very personality and who had a hand in helping you become who you are now is probably one of the hardest out there to shake. I also know what it's like to be in college & have finals accompanied by a broken heart - and I empathize with how difficult it is.

 

Try and embrace these parts of you that he helped influence. Take these good things about yourself, and practice loving and accepting them as your own. Think of how much you'll be able to grow and to master these traits, and how wonderful it will be to share them!

 

Hang in there with school. I know it's hard! I know how it is to try and study, and you find yourself re-reading the same sentence 20 times, or realizing that you can't remember a single thing that you just learned. But school is something that will enable you to create your future how you want it - and it's so beneficial for the rest of your life! But be lenient on yourself - take breaks, reward yourself, study in spurts and take baby steps.

 

As far as him always being on your mind..You know what? That's okay. I'm not going to tell you to stop, because that would be pointless and impossible. Don't punish yourself for doing so either. You are grieving, and it is perfectly normal. I will, however, tell you that the best thing that I have found so far that helps me is distraction. It might not be necessarily what you like, because us heart-broken folk find it hard to find pleasure in things if we can associate with our love - just something that will keep you busy for any amount of time. Play Bejeweled. Clean. Re-arrange your room. Watch silly videos on YouTube. Embrace a new skill or hobby - something that you didn't have before so you can't attach your "prior self" to it. Get lost in the internet - Stumbleupon is a PHENOMENAL time stealer, as is link removed. Research something you've always wanted to know more about. Etc. Before you know it, you'll realize that it's been x amount of time since you thought about him, then a little bit more time will pass, and you'll realize again that you went x amount of time...Then you'll start to realize that maybe, just maybe you can do this.

 

Hang in there, sweetie.

[Zohariel]

Don't worry sweetie we've all been there. You're so young, only 19. You have your whole world ahead of you. Guys mature much more slowly than girls and he's probably not sure what he wants and who he is right now. Take some time and just be happy with you. You are the most important person in this situation.

 

It takes someone who is 100 % happy with themselves to give half of themseleves (50 %) to completes a fully functional relationship.

 

Yeah, everybody tells me that. My friends tell me that he's not mature enough to make this work... And I know that's true, but I guess I'm blinded by the pain that I only want to see the good in what he has to offer and neglect why we're not together anymore.

 

Thank you for your kind words. Yes indeed, I'm really young lol. I just don't know where to start. It's always been me and him for a long time now... But yeah, I'll focus on myself from now on. (At least, try to

[Zohariel]

Hi Dione,

 

Is it wrong to feel that way? Because I still do. I don't know why, and maybe it's selfish of me, but I still feel as if a relationship shouldn't end unless both parties give their best effort. My ex didn't, and it makes me bitter, hurt, and angry.

 

Haha yes indeed, I'm definitely in that position. I'm reading the material but nothing is registering. I fear I may fail two courses. Everything is going so wrong in my life. It's also such bad timing, because unlike him, I have no time to lose myself in mindless distractions. It's always school. And school doesn't help with trying to keep him off my mind... it just adds to the anxiety and stress. It's so overwhelming.

 

I did, however, registered for StumbleUpon! It's a fantastic site, thank you for mentioning it. And thank you for the support.

[Dione]

Hi Zohariel,

 

No, it's not wrong at all. It just sucks more than we could ever explain when that ideology isn't shared. I don't think it's selfish at all to believe, in fact, it strikes me as the exact opposite - it means that you are willing to put your all into a relationship for everyone involved and not let go where others would. I guess maybe some may view it as too "romanticized" of a notion, and in some respects, I guess I can kind of understand how. Unfortunately, trying to understand is about the extent I can manage, because I myself feel the exact same way you do about it. I definitely empathize with feeling bitter, hurt, and angry...Because you know what? It's NOT fair, right, or even slightly okay! Right now, I'm trying to learn from feelings like that as a way to convince myself that I'm better off. I will keep you posted on how that goes...

 

I can definitely relate with school being more of stressor - and even an antagonist - than a distraction. It's exceptionally terrifying when you have the prospect of failing to add into the mix of your already wounded heart. Just try and remember baby-steps, and try not to be so hard on yourself as to avoid pushing yourself into a higher state of overwhelmedness (I don't think that's really a word, but it sounded super cool so I threw it in anyway!). If you start to feel like it's too much, remove yourself from it in any way you can think of. A 5 minute, or even an hour break is going to take less away from your studies than several hours with a brain full of pain.

 

I'm glad you found StumbleUpon beneficial! It is definitely a more than ample means of distraction! It's so useful for serving as a reminder that neat stuff still exists! And you are most welcome! I know it feels like your world is ending, but try to keep your chin up!

[elephants]

Hi Zohariel, I just want to say that I feel the same way you do. My ex is 19, too. And maybe, like your ex, too immature to make a relationship work. I wish you and I lived a little closer to each other. I think we both need friends who can relate to how we feel. To me, it doesn't matter how well-meaning my friends are. They just tell me to be strong and be happy on my own as if it was the easiest thing in the world. You and I both know it's not. My world has completely been turned upside down, and I don't know how to start trying to just accept the fact that we are no longer together. Best of luck to both of us *hug*

[knightraine]

Hi Zohariel,

 

Read over your whole story, and I'm sorry for your pain. I know just how much it can suck to want someone who doesn't seem to want you back anymore, as do most people on this forum. My reply is probably going to be a bit different than some of the replies that you got so far, so I'll apologize in advance, but just remember, I'm trying to help. And all of this is only my opinion anyway, based on what you said in your post, so you can take it or leave it freely

 

I wouldn't put all of this on how mature he is or isn't. He's only 20 (?) and you are only 19, and all of this has happened against the backdrop of school, University, being best friends with someone you love but not together, long distance relationship, the past being dug up and so forth. So I don't think an explanation of "you are right, he's just wrong and immature, move on" really cuts it, and I don't think you do deep down inside either?

 

Some of the things that you said actually back me up, such as this --> "It feels like that time again when he almost left our friendship for that girl."

 

And also --> "This absolutely killed me and was probably one of the worst moments I had to experience, because I felt like he was willing to abandon our friendship for some girl."

 

This is something that has baffled me before with people. If you are somebody's friend, that doesn't mean they cannot have a relationship with someone else. Now I know in certain cases this can be different (like if they try to date your close friends or family, you can ask them please don't do that etc.) but the concept that you would only be his friend as long as he didn't have a relationship is not right, is it? It's unhealthy for you and for him. Then you told him you couldn't be friends with him anymore if he was with someone else and that's when he revealed he was in love with you.

 

Now I don't want to upset you, but I'm leaning toward believing that he "might" have mistook his fear of losing his best friend suddenly, for love. Maybe I'm wrong, but I "could" be right. It wouldn't be the first time somebody has done it. But again, I don't know, I was never there when you guys were together, was I? So don't be offended, it's just a concept.

 

I think your situation is quite unfortunate, because you will always ask yourself if things would have been different if there was no long distance and so forth, but you still made the right decision for yourself by going to Uni and staying there. A lot of people have dropped out in order to keep their relationships healthy, only to go on to deeply regret it years later.

 

Now you will have to do what we all have had to do, and do your best to move on and be happy. Don't look at his Twitter, or Facebook, or whatever, and don't bother to contact him unless you really have to. It always sucks when a friendship ends too, but there are also millions of potential new friends in the world, new paths you might take etc. Try and keep yourself positive anyway

[Fukurokuju]

Hi Zohariel,

 

I know these words may not offer any comfort for a while, as the break up is still fresh, but I feel really compelled to type them because I have been where you are.

 

I fell in love with my ex at 15, we were each other's best friends, first every thing.

 

I, too, went off to college (only an hour a way!) and pretty much the same thing played out for us.

 

He left me and I was DEVASTATED !!!! My mother even refused to let me come back home because she thought it was too unhealthy for me.

 

And when he left, he left cold, he said we shouldn't speak, and never spoke to me again, even got with and engaged to another girl.

 

However, I was eventually able to move on, I was happy, independent, a new woman. IT WILL ABSOLUTELY HAPPEN.

 

I know how bad it hurts girl, but you will make it through this.

 

Feel free to PM me.

[Zohariel]

@elephants

 

Hi elephants, I definitely agree... I feel like it's something no one could understand unless you're actually in the same position. Feel free to message me, I will be happy to reply! We both could use the support right now. (Side-note: Are you from the Philippines? Because I'm Filipino-Canadian!)

[Zohariel]

@knightraine

 

Hi knightraine,

 

Thank you so much for your reply, and I am most definitely not taking it the wrong way. In fact, I need blunt opinions and honesty. You're very right in that deep down, I don't feel like it's entirely due to his lack of immaturity. To me, he was the most mature guy I ever met in high school.

 

I understand your opinion. It's not that I only wanted to be his friend if he wasn't dating anyone else, however. It's more that my heart couldn't take the pain anymore. What hurt even more at the time, was that he was aware of the fact that I had feelings for him the first time but he never really addressed the issue. It didn't make sense for me to stay friends with him while he'd be cuddling and kissing someone else. It would just hurt too much.

 

What you bring up is really interesting. My question, however, is if he mistook his fear for love, why would he stay in a relationship with me for 2 and a half years? I do admit that there were times that I needed to ask him if he ever doubted his feelings for me because of his history, but he always reassured me that what he felt was real.

 

I am truly trying to convince myself that I made the right choice. But sometimes I have moments where I feel like I made the biggest mistake ever. I've never had this kind of relationship with anyone before, and most times I am too burned out to even get back out there and create new ones.

[Zohariel]

@ * * * urojuku

 

Hi * * * urojuku,

 

Thanks for the message. The support is greatly needed and appreciated. I'm sorry he hurt you so badly... and it helps knowing that things got better for you. If you don't mind me asking, why did he leave the relationship? He couldn't handle the hardships anymore?

 

Also, what steps did you take into becoming a happy, independent new woman?

 

Thanks again for your kind words.

[Fukurokuju]

To be honest, at first, I had no clue what I was going to do to get over it. I cried and obsessed A LOT. I was crazy.

 

In retrospect, the three things that made it possible to move on really are the things everyone here talks about:

1. We stopped talking immediately

2. I made new friends and new experiences

3. TIME!!!!

 

Unfortunately, that same guy came back into my life 3 years later, when his fiance left him. And for the past 5 years, he's been continually leaving me (because I keep taking him back), with the last time being a month ago.

 

I know that you will be happy and whole again, and your first love will always be your first love, but hopefully unlike me, you'll get to experience a second sooner than later! Lol