Im starting to think I dont want to let her go...

[sonicfan287]

I know this sounds completely ridiculous but seriously... there's something in me that just doesnt want to forget her/get over her... there's something in me that wont let me get over her. Thats the only explanation for this dragging on. I met this girl in winter 2009 and Im convinced it was this "magical" story of meeting a true love. Granted, I'm only 23 (was 20 then) and I dont know "True love" but I almost feel like when something falls into place that perfectly, there's a reason... Im not exactly a social maniac, I don't meet that many people, let alone girlfriends, and I shouldn't have met her either but we started talking online via a mutual friend and just really hit it off. We kept talking long after our friend got offline, until about 2 am and talked about meeting up sometime.

 

The next day, she visited my job (she teased that she might but I thought she was kidding). I have never had anyone show this kind of enthusiasm about me before... I know it doesn't sound like much but it made me feel so special that this girl I had just met just wanted to meet me in person, if only for a few minutes. Then we finally went on our first date to Friendly's and the rest was history, we became boyfriend/girlfriend and obviously things went wrong since Im in this hole now...

 

We've broken up 3 times... yes I know, thats a red flag that this isn't meant to be, but other things were at play. Im not saying shes perfect either but I have severe anxiety issues, mostly with relationships and depression. The 2 compound and make any little mistake turn into a big mistake... so we'd have fights and I wouldnt' forgive myself for them even if she did, so it usually turned into her having to console me when she just wanted to move past the issue which wouldve been fine, except this KEPT HAPPENING. This happened with my first gf too and will probably keep happening which is why Im addressing it now... the problem is, I cant stop thinking about her. I want to fix myself FOR myself, but I cant help thinking that things could still be how they were, because when I met her I was myself, I wasn't consumed with depressing thoughts about a breakup or anxiety about not measuring up to other guys because I was just meeting her. Over time, this all changed and she saw me in a negative light because of it.

 

I know I cant get her back, part of me knows that but I cant let her go, its like I refuse to... Idk why. There's nothing in it for me to feel this hurt any longer... in fact I should be furious at her.. she dumps me over the phone after 2 and a half years in a random halfass conversation that just happened to involve a breakup. Then 2 weeks later, she's dating this new guy and is completely in love with him, even moreso than she was with me in the beginning. I just feel like such a screw up... I tried to kill myself over this... true story. Im so glad it didnt work though and that Im still here to work on improving myself. People blame her for this but she didn't do it, she didn't tell me to try to kill myself, she wouldve wanted me to be happy, she doesn't want me to suffer. Im the one doing this to myself and I feel like months from now, whether she's with this new guy or not, I'll be d distant memory to her and I'll still be thinking about her... wondering how things could have been.

 

I want to go back but only when Im stable again. I always told her I'd change but I never did... I want to show her instead, thats more powerful... just showing her, months or even years down the line that Ive become a better person, stronger, more mature and not a panicked wreck all the time over god knows what. Im already making strides towards that goal, but that brings me back to the original point...

 

When my therapist was talking to me about this today, she mentioned that its okay to think about my ex, but I should do it less and less over time. She used a metaphor of a file cabinet and how all our memories are stored in there and that as new ones come into the file cabiet, the old ones get pushed towards the back.

 

I know she was trying to help me, but it just depresses me more... I dont want her to get "pushed away". I dont want her to just be a photo in the background of my life... someone special who touched me for 2 years and then gone forever.. it just doesn't feel right. Im actually starting to tear up as I write this. Ive cried so many tears for her... I don't think theyll ever stop and as long as Im still crying, I still remember her and sometimes thats all I want to do...

[Ms Darcy]

Three years later ... I think a counselllor would be helpful in helping you understand why you are still holding on to her.

[RitaTrue]

Three years later ... I think a counselllor would be helpful in helping you understand why you are still holding on to her.

 

TRUTH^

 

OP, I hope you put serious effort in with your counselor sessions. As much as you hate to hear it, NO ONE deserves to wield that much power over you 3 YEARS after the break up. You and your therapist have the work MORE than cut out for you.

[LoveHurts89]

^^^ Read the post properly. They met three years ago.

[sonicfan287]

Yeah, it's been on and off for 3 years, not 3 years since we broke up. Actually, its only been a month since the most recent breakup but it does feel like its been forever since Ive seen her. Still, this has dragged on long enough...and I have been talking to my counselor about my feelings. She recommends writing them out and getting them out of my head. She says in time I'll think about her less and less, so let's see if she's right

[LoveHurts89]

You will do. I was the same way as you. Holding on to hope for so long. My counsellor told me to write things down, a diary each day of how I feel, letters of things I wanted to tell him (not to be sent). Let me tell you, finding those letters a year down the line, and tearing them up like they never meant anything is a great feeling. I found a purse the other day with a picture of him in, so I got some scissors and cut it up, and felt NOTHING. I think and feel nothing for him now.

[sonicfan287]

Well Im glad you were able to grow past that. Honestly, I dont see me getting to that stage but I do look forward to the day that I can look fondly back at our relationship and not think about it one way or another. I still have pictures of my first HS love from 2006. I dont look at them or anything but I hold onto them, I could never cut them up or anything. Im just too sentimental. Still, I'm obviously not hung up on her anymore and some day, I'll be over this girl too, I hope

[Mopeydic]

sonicfan, you said you broke up and got back together 3 times. Was it on her initiation or your initiation that you would reconcile. I don't know why but for some reason I have never gotten back with a girl with whom a relationship ended. It could be her dumping me or vice versa, but when they are gone they are really gone.

 

How long would you be apart before you would reconcile in each case? I agree if it's a pattern that is leading to no good you need to address what need it is filling that you keep doing it (a friend of mine found that within himself, because he kept going out with women who were very mean to him).

 

Based on my experience reconciliations are almost a mythical event, because I have never had one yet (though not from lack of trying on my part).

[sonicfan287]

In both cases, it was her but only because after making things dicey after the first breakup (i.e. begging pleading etc) she cut me off as a nessecity for both of us and then months later she regretted it and we got back together. The 2nd time, we were only broken up 2 weeks and I just contacted her to say hi and she said how she was starting to miss me, so we talked and decided to get back together... it was fairly simple the 2nd time actually, but the thing about this time is she's found someone new already... Ive never had to deal with this. During our first breakup, she met a guy at college for 2 weeks and then they broke up but this guy seems like the real deal... she seems really into him, so I know us getting back together probably wont happen, especially since she probably thinks Im a nut case. Even so, I could see these feelings for her lingering for months or even years unless I miraculously meet someone even better in the meantime which is doubtful while Im still hung up and depressed