He broke up with me and now he wants me back

[sydneygirl87]

As you will see from previous threads my boyfriend of one year broke up with me just over a month ago.

 

Things started getting really bad, just arguing all the time & barely ever seeing each other. He ended it saying that he didn't know if he wanted to be in a relationship & he isn't able to treat me the way I deserve. I took it really badly at first had a week off and cried my heart out then started healing. I went away and started to feel really good, finally starting to move on. During the time that we were broken up he kept calling me everyday to say hi and tried to catch up a few times. When I started to feel better about a week ago I told him that I was moving on with my life and he needed to stop calling. I was then returning from a trip & he insisted on picking me up from the airport which I didn't agree with, I caved in and thought ok fine I'm feeling better now so ican see him.

 

When he picked me up he was being really lovely & funny and I was being pretty cold. He was dropping me off and he said 'please can we give it another go? I've been thinking for the last 4 weeks and I want you in my life, I'm going to treat you the way you deserve, we are going to have fun together & I'm going to show you that this will work'. I was quite shocked and basically said its not that easy & I don't think it's a good idea and I would think about it. He then came passed my work the next day and said the same thing, I said that I would be willing to take things really slow and he has to show me things are perfect, he was very happy with this.

 

So it's been a week and things have been ok except I stuffed up. I got really drunk on Friday night and called him a million times saying drunk stupid stuff. He was really angry and didn't speak to me till sunday(today). We had a bit of a fight as I have barely seen him all week and don't really see that much has changed, he said that it has been a week and I have to take it slow, but being the first week wouldn't he be putting in all the effort now?! I asked him again today if this is what he wants and he said yes but he just doesn't want the fighting.

 

I just feel like I was feeling so good a few weeks ago and now I'm confused and worried that he's going to leave again. I'm back to square one. I want to give it a go and believe him but I don't know whether I should?!

 

Sorry for the rant, any advice anyone?? X

[RitaTrue]

As you will see from previous threads my boyfriend of one year broke up with me just over a month ago.

 

Things started getting really bad, just arguing all the time & barely ever seeing each other. He ended it saying that he didn't know if he wanted to be in a relationship & he isn't able to treat me the way I deserve. I took it really badly at first had a week off and cried my heart out then started healing.

 

He gave you reasons why he broke up with you. From that time, til now, how have his reasons with you changed?

[sydneygirl87]

I asked him how much can change in 5 weeks and he said that he now realizes that he does want to be with me and he was confused before but he has been thinking very hard about everything and having that time apart made him realize that he does want to settle down with me and he will make me very happy, even happier than I imagine.

 

I want to believe him but I don't want the same thing to happen again in another year, it's a massive risk and if things work it's well worth it, but if they don't I'll be totally devastated again

[2bcome1]

I think you would be better off having a couple of months apart with no contact and see where that leads.Let him miss you then maybe you can start afresh without all the fighting and arguing.

[markie6]

Hasn't he been round to see you since BU day ? and has much changed since ?

 

I understand how your feeling, it's the hope that things are different , you are going to have to decide what you want

 

I cannot even begin to think about advice as I have been there before and know how tough it is ... good luck

[sydneygirl87]

Yeah he has seen me a few times during the breakup but getting back together was never discussed, he has totally changed in the last few weeks that I have been away.

 

I guess waiting another few months would be a good idea but I just feel that I will always have him in the back of my mind which is hard as my easiest way to move on is cut all contact & totally forget about that person.

 

I love him & I want to try again, any advice on my end of how to make this whole getting back together thing work? Sorry everyone I'm just really confused, has anyone been in this situation before?

[markie6]

Yes but it didn't end well, hence not being able to give advice...

 

baby steps , fresh start , no blame

 

forgive and forget

 

wait for others input, have a really good think about what you really want, what you expect and what would the worst possible outcome and best possible outcome

 

weight it all up and cross your fingers gooooood luck whatever you decide

[2bcome1]

Going NC for a while is hard but you do get used to it and start to feel alot better.Dont forget you will be in the back of his mind aswell,so stick with NC and he will miss you and start to see things in a different light.This will give you a much better chance of getting back together sucessfully.

[TriColors]

Sydneygirl -- be very careful with this and go slowly. It sounds like you aren't over the anger of him breaking up with you the first time. If you aren't ready to forgive him, then you are going to have a long road back and that resentment will fester until you snap at him.

 

Also, you have to let go of the fear he is going to break up with you again and just go with it, its hard but it will never work out if you are constantly living in fear.

[RitaTrue]

I asked him how much can change in 5 weeks and he said that he now realizes that he does want to be with me and he was confused before but he has been thinking very hard about everything and having that time apart made him realize that he does want to settle down with me ....I want to believe him but I don't want the same thing to happen again in another year, it's a massive risk and if things work it's well worth it, but if they don't I'll be totally devastated again

 

Sounds EXTREMELY fishy to me.

 

It may be possible that after he dumped you--he had dumper's remorse for whatever reason, and that's the reason why he wants you back. Not because anything that originally CAUSED you to drift apart has changed, but because he feels sad and doesnt want to be alone right now because of it. Or something similar to that. Im highly, HIGHLY skeptical that he's been revealed some sort of revelation about you and your relationship, and is now fully committed to the relationship, when about a month ago, he threw it away.

 

I think that true change happens much later after a break up. Later, meaning much longer than 1 month.

 

I agree with 2bcome1: Go NC, let him get a FULL WHIFF of what it's like without you before deciding to reconcile. The last thing you want to do is re-give your heart to fickle man, to have it rebroken. Especially if the reasons for the break up are swept under the rug for his feelings of sudden amorous-ness and "devotion" to the relationship.

When your boyfriend told you that he didnt think he could love you the way he needed and that he didnt the relationship was what he wanted, what did he say for WHY he thought those things?

[sydneygirl87]

Thanks for the advice everyone. I just told him that its not going to work and to please leave me alone. He said he would call me soon and i said not to, but he wont take no for an answer. Ill just reject the calls as hard as it is. I cant play these games. If he really wants to be with me he really needs to prove it because im not going through the sh*t again. To make it worse its my birthday this weekend which is really hard

[RitaTrue]

Thanks for the advice everyone. I just told him that its not going to work and to please leave me alone. He said he would call me soon and i said not to, but he wont take no for an answer. Ill just reject the calls as hard as it is. I cant play these games. If he really wants to be with me he really needs to prove it because im not going through the sh*t again. To make it worse its my birthday this weekend which is really hard

 

Guarding your heart is very wise.

Keep yourself around friends and family on your birthday, it'll ease the pain more, especially if it gets hard for you at certain times.