An affair I knew about

[aberdeenhjetman]

My long term girlfriend of 6 years has cheated on me with someone.

 

It started about a year ago, we had been in a long distance relationship for 5 years and she told me that she had been with someone else in a way that would make me 'uncomfortable'. I never asked detail but from what I understand just cuddling and such but no kissing or anything further. This happened another two times in the next few months.

 

Then a month ago she said that she had 'essentially cheated on me'. She was really upset, more so than I have ever seen her in my life (more than when relatives have passed away) but I thought she meant everything but sex, but never really asked again and turns out it was.

 

Then a few nights ago she was out and had sex with him. She got back at 3 and I spoke to her briefly as I was just worried she got back safe. She told me she just took a long time to get back from the train, I doubted this and stayed up for hours worrying and ringing her, I eventually got through to her at 5am and she admitted that she had sex with the same guy again.

 

The first time she was sober and afterwords promised to not contact him after, but obviously did, the second time she said was drunk.

 

I spent that night thinking if she has then I need to leave her, but when it came to it I couldn't. I know what I would say in this situation and what most of you will say(run!) But she has been honest with me, and has told me she does have feelings for the other guy, but that she loves me and not him. After this we have spent the weekend talking honestly with each other for the first time(ever I suppose) about what upsets us about each other, which has made me feel a lot better.

 

One of the other things that is causing me problems is that we have been together since we where 17 and had only had sex with each other which was special to us but has now gone.

 

Thanks for any comments

[solidbunker]

Ok,so you dont want to hear "run", right ?

Then let me go this way : stay.

Sure, just stay, no problem.

Its your life,anyways.

And if someone at ENA tells you to run, I will have your back, no problem.

With one condition, let me tell you what my grandpa told me and keep things as you please but never do or keep things that make you feel ashamed".

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Your gf was entertaining the notion of being with this guy for a long time...she made conscious decisions to keep hanging around him then being "honest" with you, then hanging around him some more and then being "honest". Basically the fact that you kept accepting her inappropriate behaviour with this guy, she got bolder and bolder and more disrespectful of you. Now she has had sex with him twice, that you know about. Her "honesty" is dishonest because rather than changing her behaviour she keeps doing the same thing, with your blessing. You are being taken for a fool by her. This relationship is basically over, unless you want to continue being disrespected.

[DylanNotorious]

It's probably more of the case that the other guy may not want a relationship with her, so she is standing by in the hopes he does want one. Don't be the mug that stands idely by, while she gets to have her cake and eat it too. Your trust must be shaken, because mine would be.

[Natasha70]

I am so sorry to hear what you have been through. I know its so hard to let go of someone you feel so deeply in love with, but to be quite honest she knows she can put on the water works and you will feel sorry for her., and she gets away with it.

 

I have been in a similar situation with my ex, and he kept cheating. Now he has gone I feel bad because I wasted so much time giving him chance after chance and the hurt I am feeling now could have been healed if I did not give him so many chances.

 

If she really loved you she would never go with anyone else.

[ButterflyWrists]

Shes been 'honest' really? so she can cheat on you, so long as you know about it? She 'promised' to cut all contact with him, if she was 'honest' about that, then she wouldn't have had SEX with him again.

 

Really, if you want to stay with her do so. But in doing so, you lose the right to complain about her behaviour towards you. By staying you are telling her, sure go ahead and have sex with other men, I'll just sit here twiddling my thumbs until you come back.

[aberdeenhjetman]

I think its important to point out that we still are in a long distance relationship, and that i'm not the best about communication over the phone which she finds hard. And is what I think started the whole thing. If we had been seeing each other more often an this happened I have no doubts that I would end it. I know that isn't an excuse for her but I do think it is worth noting.

 

solidbunker:

I think my reasoning for saying that is that after a bit of reading around it's obvious that ENAers are rather pessimistic, weathers that's because they've been hurt of whatever but I don't think that you always get a balanced view here.

 

Crazyaboutdogs:

I think you're right about here thinking about being with him long term. However does that fact that in a year she has not decided to actually do it?

 

DylanNotorious

I know for a fact that he does want to be with her, my trust is shaken, a lot, but what I am wondering is can that be rebuilt?

 

Natasha70

Thanks, It might be me having blinkers on but I do think that she was sincere with that ( this time she hasn't cried, and at times doesn't even feel bothered)

[ButterflyWrists]

When is the long distance scheduled to end?

I've been in LDR's and haven't cheated, even when communication has been rubbish. So the distance is a pathetic excuse on her part. You deserve better. But if you want, stay, you cant trust her, you wont trust her. But if you're okay being hurt by a woman who doesn't care for you, then thats fine. (btw I've never been cheated on to my knowledge)...

[aberdeenhjetman]

Well soon, within months. She got a new job a few weeks ago which made it possible. This would also mean her moving away from where he lives.

 

It is a pathetic excuse, but Its one that I can understand. She isn't a very self confident person so when someone shows an interest she felt good. While acting upon that is not acceptable it is at least slightly understandable. I'm not ok with it, but I do think she cares about me. It's just that she also cares about someone else as well(potentially more than me?) Wether I can deal with that I don't know?

[CaptainConfusion]

Jetman, what are you doing to yourself dude?

 

Get out! I've been through some * * * * e but I ain't copping that. Stop making excuses for the girl!

 

Irrespective of the level of pessimism around ENA sometimes your better to listen and not just hear what you want to.

 

Thats why you're here right?

 

Personally, your better off listening to solidbunker. Honest, realistic, to the point - not pessamistic.

 

Solid- quote is gold. Will remember

[ButterflyWrists]

What if she doesn't cut contact with him? I'm pretty sure she wont, and will hide it. What happens if you guys go through a rough patch and some other guy shows an interest? You wont be able to trust her. now she knows that you will keep taking her back, shes going to keep cheating, because she can get away with it.

[ManOhMan]

Leave bro...the line has been crossed. You WILL find another and better than her.

[EgoJoe]

If you stay with her. It will happen again. Only in the future it will be your fault for enabling it. Sure, maybe she "earns" a second chance but not until you have kicked her to the curb.

[Koglin]

I would have dropped her like a hot rock. Not only are you with someone who is repeatedly cheating on you and will continue doing so but by knowing and staying with her you're only enabling her more to continue doing what she's doing and making excuses for it. For your information (against your own argument) the only reason she's being honest with you is for her own purposes because it's eating away at her. If she was internally okay with not telling you about the filthy cheating then I'm sure you would never know. She is selfish and as long as you understand that and still want to be with her then it's your choice. I just don't comprehend it to any degree.