Vist from Ex. NC well and truly broken. Ugh.

[Emma8]

Hey - think I did something stupid today and need you to either tell me off or offer words of support. Either will help right now!

 

Basically 4 months since BU. Verbally abusive relationship, ex ended it but had lots of issues, insecure, jealous, feeling inadequate, selfishness, game player etc etc I went through a lot in the relationship, it emotionally drained me. Last 4months have been hell. But I do feel like i have come a long way in the last couple of weeks. Def feel stronger and not so tearful. Managing to cope a lot better and my smile has returned, albeit briefly.

 

Anyway, after 16 days of NC from me. Ex was txting friday to meet up, getting worried I was with someone new, he said he had been looking at my twitter (which I dont use) and saw some guy following me and assumed I was seeing him....which Im not. I ignored him as per usual. Then I had a random facebook friend request, a google image male model pic and nothing else on the account, 99% sure its him. Its something he would do. To try and see if I would accept and therefore access to my profile. Obviously I declined.

 

So today, he turned up!! I answered the door, didnt realise it was him. Rather than shutting it, I invited him in. Yes, I know stupid right. I just couldnt turn him away. Im sure we would all find that tricky to do if put in that situation.

 

We chatted and he said how he knows he has lost me, treated me badly and that its all his fault through major issues of his. His loss he said. He said he cant let me go and Im always in his head stopping him from moving on. Tell me about it! The new girl is seeing isnt serious and he admitted it wasnt going anywhere, it cant be because he still in love with me and that he thought by being with her it would help him forget me, but its not. He said he doesnt have that connection with her at all. Nothing compares to what we had, which is true, despite the crap, we had something very special, that spark, chemistry. We did and thats the hardest part in all this, trying to break free of that. Its so annoying, no matter what we go through, i cant help but love him. He said I did nothing wrong, was so beautiful inside and out but that he just couldnt cope with the relationship.

 

I listened, told him he was a * * * * head and how I will never forget how he treated me. I asked him to put himself in my shoes and really think about how much he has hurt me over the past few months, the mind games, abuse, new girlf, etc I said its definitely his loss and I wont be the one with regrets. We were both upset, he looked genuinely messed up. He told me he loved me and will miss me, we held each other before leaving.

 

Im upset, of course I am. I find it hard to understand how someone can be so in love with you, yet not want to be with you, but at the same time, the way he treated me was inexcusable and therefore was not right for me.

 

In a weird way I feel good knowing he is suffering a little. Im upset, but not as bad as I thought I would be. Im going back to NC now and will try to pick up where I left off. I do feel I am over the worst, the BU, the weeks following, finding out he has someone new. If I can get through all that(just!), I should be able to make it to the finish line right!

 

Sorry for rambling, I just needed to vent and get today written down and out of my system. Feel free to slaughter me for opening that door and breaking NC....

[Fraggle]

On the contrary Emma8, I think you handled it well given the surprise of the visit, and it might had caused more trouble had you just shut the door on him. But I think it was unfair of him to turn up unannounced and put you in a difficult situation.

 

Is this his selfish side coming through again turning up for his benefit? I know I would not just turn up unless the ex was comfortable, especially the way he treated you during BU with a little boy in tow too, not very "clever" behaviour.

 

Its hardly your fault NC was broken when the contact came to you...

 

I hope its not messed with you too much and maybe in a few days it might give you greater clarity on the situation and how you feel.

 

Just wanted to reiterate that I think you did very well given the circumstances, not flames from me

[michelemybell]

This reminded me of an ex I had a long time ago. He did the same exact thing. Showed up on my doorstep to say he was sorry, that it wasn't working out with the new girl, he was leaving her, he couldn't live without me, etc.

I forgave him and we ended up sleeping with each other. Then he started acting weird again. I asked if he actually left her and then he started backtracking, saying he didn't really say he was going to leave her. I gave him an ultimatum--to choose between her or I. He said goodbye to me. Then I realized exactly what he came back for----to have his cake and eat it too and he wanted me okay with a fwb relationship while he still saw her. A couple months later, I saw him with her---and they were happy as clams! And that she was pregnant! Yikes!

I'm actually so proud of you that you told your ex off and didn't fall for his game. Because if he isn't broken up with her, he is playing a game. With both of you. I'm glad you're not playing. You'll feel a bit upset now, but just be glad you weren't used. You would've felt a heck of a lot worse going through round 2 with him. Trust me!

I don't know how to answer your question about someone being in love with you, but not want to be with you. Unfortunately it happens all the time with guys (and girls). Those people aren't sincere with their feelings and can't commit at all. Watch your exe's relationship come crashing down one day. I don't think it's possible a guy like that can have a normal relationship.

[FreeFallFeelin]

I don't blame you for letting him in. It had to be shocking, like seeing a ghost when you opened the door and he was standing there. The real question is; why the heck does he feel like it's okay to just show up unannounced? That isn't cool. And I must say, it sounds like he's only considering himself. He surprise attacked you by showing up unannounced and then proceeded to push your emotional buttons, which is all because HE was feeling bad. He claims his new gf means nothing and that it's "going nowhere", but do you think he went home and dumped her and spent the rest of the night pining for you? I doubt it. He has to realize that doing these things (showing up at your home, online stalking) effects YOU too.

[Fraggle]

Emma8

 

Saw your other post in the don't contact your ex, contact him here... I hope he hasn't clouded any judgement and made you want to reconsider?

 

Not pointing a finger, just interested in the aftermath emotions and hope you're coping with them

[dasilver]

Him showing up like that takes a lot of guts.

 

He did something we all want when it comes to reconciliations. He admitted that he screwed up! For that i give him huge points.

 

Emma, whether you'd like to admit it or not. You still like this guy.

 

You need to let go of all grudges, mistakes and wrong doings.

 

You still like him.....he still likes you....both of you need to come together to do whatever it takes to make the relationship work.

 

Take it slow....

 

I wish you nothing but the very best.

[markie6]

Hard to turn them away at the door. That's why he did it. Easy to block calls but harder when you look into their eyes. It's a bit mean of him. That's about it , hardly helping you which is what he should be thinking if he ever cared at all.

 

He wants to be with somebody else , but he doesn't want you to be happy. That's about it.

[EmmaB78]

dasilver - you need to read more of her posts. This guy treated her like total crap, and this isn't her first go-round with the apologies, etc.

 

Emma8 - stay strong. He's not going to change, and if he is, it's not going to be in 4 months while he's dating someone else. Stay NC.

[Emma8]

I was on my own, thankfully and I did ask him not to do it again, due to my son possibly being around next time, and also just because its not fair!! I am not sure whether I believe the girlf story or not, but I do know he is pretty messed up and that taking that kind of baggage into a new relationship doesnt seem like the best thing to do.

 

He didnt come round for any sexual contact, although I am sure he wouldnt have said no if Id offered, which would have been bad, considering he is still with this new girl. But seemed like he actually just wanted to talk and see me. Yes, unload his emotions on to me, but I have done the same if not worse over the past 4 months, he hadnt yet done it. I was slightly annoyed as once again, its all about him and his feelings, but it was genuine so I just listened, gave my polite clear response.

 

Fraggle - no reconsidering! Just wish I could dislike him, would make everything a little easier, the love bit, kinda gets in the way. Emotions are doing ok....will see in a few days. But right now, Im alright.

 

DASilver - of course, I still love him, a lot but he isnt the kind of man I want to be trying again with. A) he was pretty horrible to me B) he has someone else and C) he doesnt want the relationship. He has issues, major issues and I cant help him with them, he has to do that himself. I am glad he opened up for once. Just a shame these issues exist...

[Emma8]

dasilver - you need to read more of her posts. This guy treated her like total crap, and this isn't her first go-round with the apologies, etc.

 

Emma8 - stay strong. He's not going to change, and if he is, it's not going to be in 4 months while he's dating someone else. Stay NC.

 

Yep! Totally back on NC. Youre right, he did treat me badly...not a man to try again with....!

[dasilver]

Yep! Totally back on NC. Youre right, he did treat me badly...not a man to try again with....!

 

Oh dear!

 

I'll have to read more of your posts!

[ParisPaulette]

Dear Emma8, seriously I always have to shake my head at these guys or girls who treat someone badly and then wail about how they know they lost you but...but...but. What planet do they live on?

 

That said let me tell you that you did very, very good for yourselfl! He tried the last bastion that a lot of jerks who are game players and emotional or physical abusers try once they see they've lost someone--show up on your doorstep when they can't reach you any other way playing the old, "He/she surely won't be able to resist me now!" card. I'll be honest, when that happened to me with my nightmare ex last year I did what you did, I opened the door. And fell for everything hook, line and sinker only to be used and humiliated all over again. He did it again a month or so ago although this time at my favorite coffee shop after I wouldn't return his phone calls for months. Needless to say I was nowhere near as mature and cool and calm about it as you were. (I ended up dousing him with my coffee since a year later I'm still disgusted by his bad behavior)

 

You didn't freak though or cave to his demands though, you stood up for yourself, told him it was his loss and let him go back to his current relationship. In short the message was, "Sorry guy, I respect myself a lot more than you did and what we have is over." Hold your head high and keep moving forward and yes go NC again. I know it's always a shock to have them suddenly turn up, but don't be hard on yourself. You didn't break NC, just had an unfortunate encounter as we sometimes do. Four months is still relatively fresh in a breakup and remember that he has again shown you his true face since I'm sure everything he told you would be a massive shock to his current GF--i.e. once again he can't seem to treat the current girl he's with any better than he did you. So don't worry, you're probably only going to get person after person here thinking or saying, "Wow, I wish I'd been that strong." You're doing good, so keep on. Hugs.

[dasilver]

I just read your posts.

 

I don't know what to say but i'm sorry.

 

SMH

[Love1336]

Girlieeeee......

If he's truly seriously about winning your heart back. He would dump the new girl.

He does not want you to be happy! He's sick & twisted. He wants you to continue to chase him, and be all pathetic.

Please do not give into his ways! I know it's hard, but you gotta press through. Change your number! And if he dares show his face, call the cops!

I can't believe the balls on this man!

[MissieP]

Yep Love pretty much nailed it on that one. My ex did the same thing....... Emma please stay full NC from now on I know you can do it! I know we cave at times but please for you own sake just be good to yourself this guy is so so not worth it take it from me you know what i've been through.

[Emma8]

Thats exactly it. He doesnt want me to be happy with anyone else despite having a new girl himself, Im not allowed in his eyes. Thinking over night about this and it was all about him and his feelings. Very selfish. like he wants me to keep thinking of him so I cant move on with someone else. I know his game, intentional or not. Even though I said this isnt helping me you being here, he said but isnt it nice to see each other and spend some time together, he just doesnt get it.

 

I really dont think this new relationship is anything much, as if she blew him away and totally rocked his world, he wouldnt have turned up. I know he misses me and cant let go, but again its all his feelings and i cant be the healer of him, when I have myself to heal.

 

I wont be pathetic anymore and continuing with NC from today. I still feel ok, a little sad as I think she obviously wasnt around this weekend or else he wouldnt have turned up. If my gut feelings are right, the next few days weeks, I wont hear much as she will probs be back on the scene and he will be trying his best to forget me, until the next time he gets panicky that Im moving on.

 

Ideally I would have liked him to have taken something from yesterday, a realisation of what he has lost and how he has treated me, end it with this girl before she gets hurt and sort himself out before committing to a new relationship - but thats me thinking of him and whats best for him...again. BACK TO ME NOW!!

 

dasilver - dont be sorry!! He is a pretty insane messed up character with a lot of issues not dealt with!! If he was a pretty cool guy, your advice would be spot on....but hes not. So thank you anyway

 

 

Girlieeeee......

If he's truly seriously about winning your heart back. He would dump the new girl.

He does not want you to be happy! He's sick & twisted. He wants you to continue to chase him, and be all pathetic.

Please do not give into his ways! I know it's hard, but you gotta press through. Change your number! And if he dares show his face, call the cops!

I can't believe the balls on this man!

[playstheblues]

You're right Em. It really is an extension of his controlling behaviour. You couldn't have done anything else really? Even if you shut the door in his face, he probably would have stayed until you opened it. In my opinion you are being really strong. Just because he is bad for you doesn't mean it is easy to walk away.

 

Keep going! That's all I can advise! You can only care for yourself and your son! He needs to take care of his own issues and you can't do it for him.

 

I think you did amazingly well given the circumstances. Hopefully you knowing he isn't just 'fine' will give you some strength and help you get through. Of course we are always here if you need to vent!

[Emma8]

You're right Em. It really is an extension of his controlling behaviour. You couldn't have done anything else really? Even if you shut the door in his face, he probably would have stayed until you opened it. In my opinion you are being really strong. Just because he is bad for you doesn't mean it is easy to walk away.

 

Keep going! That's all I can advise! You can only care for yourself and your son! He needs to take care of his own issues and you can't do it for him.

 

I think you did amazingly well given the circumstances. Hopefully you knowing he isn't just 'fine' will give you some strength and help you get through. Of course we are always here if you need to vent!

 

Thanks PTB As much as I hate to say it (as Im not a mean person) I do feel better knowing he is suffering a little. Horrible but to be honest, its truly what he deserves after all the * * * * he gave me. Im not sure what to expect over the next few days, as I know emotions can change quickly, but right now I am making the most of feeling OK. Feeling OK is actually good progress I think!

[OldSoul86]

Emma, you showed great strength and resilience considering the circumstances - you should seriously pat yourself on the back. What is even better is the fact that you know not to try anymore with this man. He is not worth the investment anymore. He is a selfish individual who is trying to keep you down in the dumps while he is out with his new girl. Be the bigger person and shut him out of your life forever. Trust me, he is one of those cruel exes who does not wish his former partner well. The ultimate revenge would be to live a happy life with a man who treats you like the gem that you are! Keep moving forward, you are doing a terrific job traveling down this difficult road.

[playstheblues]

Thanks PTB As much as I hate to say it (as Im not a mean person) I do feel better knowing he is suffering a little. Horrible but to be honest, its truly what he deserves after all the * * * * he gave me. Im not sure what to expect over the next few days, as I know emotions can change quickly, but right now I am making the most of feeling OK. Feeling OK is actually good progress I think!

 

Feeling okay is GREAT progress - makes you realise that it Is possible to feel okay again. It's not that they are suffering, I think it's more that they are human, and that it gives you a bit more value maybe?? Because it isn't as easy as they make it seem to pick up and leave. I know it shouldnt work like that- but it does. Coupled with a talk to my therapist and a good nights sleep, I received a message from my ex that made me feel a LOT better today too. He was obviously sad when he sent it, and I've got strength from that because I felt his last messages were so distant. Maybe it's wrong, but I'm being honest, and at this point, I'll take strength wherever I can get it!

[Emma8]

Been a few days since the visit...feeling OK about things and started to try NC again.

 

Until I acted like an idiot last night He managed to request me on some iphone app, no idea how, as I have blocked him on pretty much everything. Anyway, it came up with his profile pic of him and what I thought was he new girlf. I was so hurt and upset I txt him saying how could he do this to me knowing I would see the pic and told him to * * * * off. He replied saying how he was really confused as to why I was getting so upset over a MAN!!!! Apparantley the pic was of him and a famous darts player, which I mistook for a girl.....DONT LAUGH. So I totally regretted txting him and getting all angry and upset and made myself look like a right * * * ! He then told me his aunt was ill and I said I hoped he was OK.

 

Thing is emotionally I feel ok, but now I feel like things are going backwards with the NC. A lot of contact over weekend, good and bad, then the bloody profile pic incident, and now me hoping he is and his aunt are ok.

 

Its like all the horrible stuff that happened doesn’t matter, all the hurt and crap I have been through has been forgotten by him and because I ended up being nice, or appearing that I have forgiven him by responding to him (which I haven’t!!!!) – so now he is probably thinking ''great, I don’t feel so bad about what I did to her anymore, Emma seems cool with me and not upset, Ill just carry on with my life until the next time I feel * * * * and need reassurance that she is still there''

 

Which is not the case - I just wish I hadnt reacted to the profile pic....

[Fraggle]

Sh*t happens, you couldn't help that and maybe it was an inner fear that reared its head when you saw the picture and you panicked? What made you think he'd send a picture of his new gf anyway?

 

Yes well unfortunately you may be right that he now thinks you'r "ok" and may try and contact you more so be mindful of that over the coming days and weeks. When he came to yours did you ask him not to without asking in future? Otherwise he may pull the same trick again?

 

I'm sure the dust will settle, although perhaps not in exactly the same place as before and try to get back focussing on you if you can and don't focus on the latest incident too much as what is done is done!

 

Talk about silly- I got the hump realising my ex had cancelled my auto car subscription as it was a b'day present some years ago, that made me feel miserable!

[Emma8]

Its an app that links your facebook profile. I have blocked him, so not sure how it got through and not sure how he thought I would have it altho it is the top app at the moment. Anyway, his profile pic appeared automatically, he didnt send it. It was very small pic, and it looked like him and a girl...a very manly girl....! Anyway, I panicked and jumped to conclusions...the wrong conclusion.

 

Yes I told him to not just 'turn up' I really dont want my son to see him or for him to arrive if my family are here....they have his guts for garters!

 

Im going to put the last few days behind me and try and get back to where I was last week before it all happened. At the end of the day, he has someone else, he cant contact me at all. Its really not fair and actually making him look worse as a person....

 

Its the small silly things that sometimes are the biggest setbacks....reactivate it for you