Trying to get back together. Advice or input?

[HopefulNessie]

Good morning everyone! I've been reading through this forum for a while now since my breakup and decided to share my story

I apologize that it's long and my apologies for any typos, I'm writing from my phone.

I'd really appreciate any advice or input on how to get back together or just people sharing their positive stories or advice. I have noticed that many tend to say to let go of hope and give up and move on, but I've already made my decision that I will try to rekindle what we had so no need to tell me

To forget. I think I know a good thing when I see it and I won't give up on someone that I believe in so much and care for so much.

 

My boyfriend and I were together for 14 months and I loved him in ways I didn't know it was possible to love someone. We talked about spending forever together, growing old, marriage, what to name our kids etc. the whole nine yards. We were long distance, about an 8 hour car drive apart or an hour by plane. We saw each other usually every months for 3-8 days. In January he started acting a bit different and wasn't as talkative and affectionate anymore. I was really busy with school this semester and am about to finish up my degree in two semesters after which we planned to have me move in with him. Due to both of us being really busy we couldn't see each other from January web I visited until march. The day that he was suppose to book his flight to come see me he ended it out of the blue.

I had asked him numerous times of everything was ok since jnuary due to his behavior and he reassured me that everything was fine. When he ended this I was crushed. We didn't talked after that for a day and then he texted me saying that f I lived there This would have never happened. This led to us talking on the phone and he Told me he wanted to try again and made a mistake. So we decided to give it another go, which I was more than happy to do. But the following morning I woke up to a text from him saying that he needed time to make sure. I was fine with giving him time. So for the next 6 days we were in limbo and it was really hard on me. We never addressed any potential issues. I just felt like he was distancing himself. On march 8th I told him this hurt and I couldn't be in limbo and that day he ended. I felt like my world had fallen apart. I left work early because I couldn't compose myself, I missed two major assignments in class, etc. the whole time I felt as though he gave me a cop out answer and reason for leaving. He just kept saying he couldn't handle the distance. This was fishy because the distance was more than 50% done. We went NC and on march 15th I tried to talk to him but go nowhere. Te following day I decided to go NC for real and I received a text message from him sayin he wasn't ready totall but he'd call me in a week or do and answer my questions once and for all. I didn't reply to this. A couple of weeks went by with no contact and on march 29th I texted him and asked if he could talk because I had some things on my mind. We agreed to talk later that day and The discussion went really well. I told him I Still loved him and was willing to fight for us and I knew there were other issues and we finally talked about them. He had small issues that we never dealt with that he bottled up and these small thugs turned huge after he kept them inside. These are thugs that I'm more than willing to work on, and some were just isolated incidents of us doing normal bickering but he bottled it up and it became a big deal. I felt like we finally had a healthy conversation about what was really going on and it felt really good. I told him that the two weeks of NC were really good for me and it gave me a lot of time to think and that I hope he keeps an open mind because I'd like to come visit him and talk things out in person. I told him we neede to work on ourselves an grow and be happy while apart but that I truly believed in him and us and that I wanted us to get back together when we were both ready. I explained that I understood why he did what he did and te way he did it and that I respect his decision but that I truly believe we have a future. I told him I'm 100% committed to growing and betterig myself an us and that I wouldn't not reach out to him unless I meant it from the bottom of my souls because it is a big deal. I plan on leaving everyone and everything I know behind to move to a new styr for this guy and that's not a light decision to make. I wouldn't committ to that unless I knew it was going to work out. He told me that he didn't know right now and couldn't say one way or the other if we'd get back together and I told him that was good because I really hoped he'd think about it and not dismiss it or make a rushed decision. He had to end the call cuz he was on lunch at work and we said we'd keep in touch.

 

So here I am today just waiting to see how things turn out. I truly love him and I've done so much thinking and growing these last few weeks. I just pray and hope that our paths come back together because I know we are an amazing team. Our biggest isse was that we did not communicate properly. I really regret not pushing him harder when he said everything was fine and I told him that because I knew something was up but I took his word for it anyways. He told me he could have handled things differently. But I guess that is neither here nor there. No point in dwelling on what we can't change. I'm just focusing on what I can do going forward to make us a success.

 

 

 

His birthday is coming up in about two weeks and I'll be sure to wish him a happy birthday but I'm considering contacting him sooner. What do you guys think? I don't wanna push him by any means so I've been doing NC with the exception of our talk on Thirsday.

[markie6]

I am all for being positive, and I honestly hope for the best for you.

 

However , he does seem to have some communication issues to work on, and yet it seems like you are the only one to have accepted your shortcomings. Communication when in LDR is essential. Distance is a big hurdle but as you have plans and a rough date in the future ( which is essential )that isn't so bad. I am more worried about the timing of his dumping , the day he was supposed to be booking his flight.. It's possible that he had been thinking about this for a while. As he seems to be a poor communicator , coupled with the distance it would have been hard to tell . Do you speak on the phone.. or mostly non verbal ?

 

Has he acknowledged any of his own issues ? It does seem to be very one sided ( I am sure there is more) .. all from you moving , trying to sort your issues and dealing with him not saying what's on his mind.

 

Best bet is what you are doing , NC apart from the talk you have booked. I hope for your sake you get what you're after but it does take 2 of you working in unison, on the exact same page to keep LDR going

 

If he needs space and time ( LDR = space ) then give him some. Just be aware not to give him too much time , as that will leave you waiting around in limbo. (Be aware LDR and NC are tricky as he used to you not being there constantly)

 

I hope you get what you want . Good luck

[HopefulNessie]

Thanks for the input Markie! I appreciate it.

 

I have some of the same concerns that you've mentioned with being LD. I am afraid that NC for too long might be counter productive, and I honestly have no doubt that we would not have had this isse if I had been able to move sooner because face to face communication is a lot easier than phone calls and text messages. We texted A LOT but we also talked on the phone daily. As I said, he started acting differently in January so I know this was brewing in his head for a while. He went on a work trip to NYC and I couldn't go with him due to my schede restrictions and he was supposed to book his flight after that and I think in NYC he decided to end it. I think he felt alone and ha some GIGS thoughts while he was there and just snapped because we hadnt communicated about what had bothered him.

 

He just saidthat he could have done things different as well when we spoke, but didn't mentioned anything specific. And you are completely right. It takes 2 to make this work. I just hope he's willing to give it another go. He's afraid that he will waste his time and mine if we dont work out and he said he doesn't want me to change for him and then snap one day when I've had enough. I tried to make him understand that there's a difference between changing for someone (bad) and growing as a person and working on things because you love someone (good) and I certainly would never try to be something I'm not. I couldn't live like that. But the issues we discussed are little things. Things that are so minuscule in my mind that I seriously don't understand why he'd even worry about changing them. I told

Him that life is a series of choices and priorities. If I look back at my life and think of my priorities as choices, he'd certainly be at the top and eclipse the stuff he's worried about. It's just worth it to me to and I don't hold it against him. His main worries were somewhat compatability related. For example, we are both foreign and he'd like to speak our mother tongue more often. Ok, done...not a big deal. I'm a vegetarian and he's not, he's never cared and would never ask me to eat meat but he's worried that I won't cook meat and what this would do to our family life if we have children. Ok, done too. I won't be eating it, but I sure as hell can cook him a steak if thats what him and our potenti future kids want for dinner. It was just things like that which he bottled up and I'm so willing to

Work them out with him.

[solidbunker]

I am a big fan of always wishing happy birthday.

Dont know why,something fetish I got inside me.

[HopefulNessie]

We texted today and I've decided to let him go. I asked him if he wanted me to keep no contact or to keep in touch because I wanted what would be best for us and he said there is no us to keep no contact

So that's what I will do. I respect his decision and will move on. He knows my door is open but right now there is obviously nothing there for us because it takes two to tango. If he comes back eventually it's meant to be, if not, such is life and I have to keep moving forward and the right person will come along

[Lisabroken]

We texted today and I've decided to let him go. I asked him if he wanted me to keep no contact or to keep in touch because I wanted what would be best for us and he said there is no us to keep no contact

So that's what I will do. I respect his decision and will move on. He knows my door is open but right now there is obviously nothing there for us because it takes two to tango. If he comes back eventually it's meant to be, if not, such is life and I have to keep moving forward and the right person will come along

 

So are you trying to work things out or are you over at the moment?

[HopefulNessie]

So are you trying to work things out or are you over at the moment?

 

Well I was 100% willing to work things out but he is not on the same page with me. It hurts a lot and I have a hard time understanding why he'd give up on us but I have to accept his decision. One day he may come back into my life or he may not, who knows that the future holds.

[markie6]

I was a little confused there.. there is no us .. or no use ?

 

NC is a good way of helping you both heal, no you have decided to let him go. It isn't the only way by any means, but it seems to be the most effective at helping you move on

 

good luck nessie

We texted today and I've decided to let him go. I asked him if he wanted me to keep no contact or to keep in touch because I wanted what would be best for us and he said there is no us to keep no contact

So that's what I will do. I respect his decision and will move on. He knows my door is open but right now there is obviously nothing there for us because it takes two to tango. If he comes back eventually it's meant to be, if not, such is life and I have to keep moving forward and the right person will come along

[HopefulNessie]

He said there is no us and to keep no contact.

[markie6]

Well I think that works best for you anyway. Just remember that when you start to struggle with it at times. Most of us do... First 30 days are the hardest said there is no us and to keep no contact.

[Fraggle]

Yes I agree first month is hell. I felt like I was being suffocated and didn't know where to turn to... luckily I found a safe haven called ENA which has helped me so much in my hours of need and continues to do so.

 

Try and stay strong and see how it goes. People are always online here so no need to feel lonely.

 

Time really does help

[HopefulNessie]

Thanks for the support guys you can expect me in about two weeks no doubt! I know I will have a hard time on his birthday

[HopefulNessie]

So many thoughts are rushing through my head. I find it really hard to concentrate at work yesterday was not much better. I couldn't sleep because all I thought about was him and what I lost and the fact that I have to replan my future because we had everything set after I finish my degree. I miss him and our jokes and the support he always gave me. I have finals coming up shortly and he used to do the cutest things for me before big tests to wish me luck I miss that so much. And I miss our dog. We got a puppy together that lives with him. I just wanna cuddle her and have her play with my dog. Sigh.

[Fraggle]

HopefulNessie

 

All these feelings are completely natural, or at least I experienced and still experience exactly the same feelings at times. For some reason Thursdays are the hardest day for me.

 

Work is incredibly hard as the mind wanders all the time and sleeping has been very hard too, waking up in the middle of the night thinking she is there when she isn't- which really hurts.

 

I too had my life planned w my ex and now its like wiping the board completely clean. Its a feeling of lonliness and despare that is difficult to put into words unless you've been there which by the sounds of it you are.

 

Just take it one step at a time and immerse yourself in a TV series or somethign else to take you mind off things. I've done alot of reading and Scifi TV series to escape too many thoughts when its been really hard.

 

it does get better but I've also found, like others have warned me on here that it is not linear. I was feeling good on Tuesday, but today I feel really low again, dont feel too upset about this, I just think it is the way it unravels itself and lets your brain and body to be accustomed to what has happened.

[HopefulNessie]

Thanks for the kind words Fraggle.

It really is like a blank slate now. And I hate that. I loved what we had planned. It was all I ever wanted. I felt so lucky to have him and this great future ahead of me. And now its all gone. It is so hard to cope. I've surrounded myself with friends and nothing fills that huge lonely void. No matter what my friends say or what activity I do, every thought leads back to him and how I enjoyed his company more than anyone else's. No one can replace him. It is so hard to be without him. I lost my best friend and my future. What really gets me is that I was happy before I met him. But I was so much happier with him. Even healing and going back to the happiness I had before him seems inadequate

[newyear]

Dear HopefulNessie, sorry for what happened to you and how your relationship ended. Of course I feel for you.. I am living the same desperate, sad life as you. one month and 2 weeks now into NC.. he pretty much said the same things to me but then he added what confused me " No contact.. let me be the one to come back" . we have been in BU for 4 months.. not sure if there is any hope left. But yeah I am still on NC but deep down I am waiting.

 

but for me I felt it was easier at the beginning of the first 30 days of NC than it is now. I suppose I was euphoric after his last call where he also said " he does miss me..." like you I am surrounded by a network of very good supportive friends .. more than what he has I am sure-

 

but in the last few days I started to feel so desprate, depressed and don't want to see anybody..

 

I am dewelling more and more in the past - I like to be alone - in fact we are three (Me, the pain, and my love to him) this is a progress anyway because before I couldn't even cope with staying in my apartment I was facing demons all the time and was always out with friends and sometimes that is tiring for me and for them. I feel I am always begging for someone to love me. when with him I was the one who was loved from the moon and back millions of times (as he used to say..).

 

wish you luck.

[HopefulNessie]

I feel for you too Newyear. it is really hard. I know exactly how it feels to have that mixed message. He said what's meant to be will be and if we are meant for each other we will come back maybe in two months or five months or who knows when. That left me with all sorts of hope. When we spoke last Thursday he said he didn't know and couldn't tell me if we can reconcile or not in the future. Of course that left more hope. That is te hardest part. At least with him telling me to stay NC I got some closure and I know exactly what he wants and I will respect it.

Today sucked but I know there will be ups and downs. Hopefully more ups are coming your way and my way! If you ever need to talk feel free to message me. And I know it's easier said than done but keep active and go out with friends. I know you wanna curl up in bed and never get out but that is the opposite of healing and you need to do whats best for you