Bouncing between acceptance and sadness

[thousandyear]

I have posted my story earlier in the forum... summary: together for 5 years (during this time very happy, matched really well on say many ways... only thing we really argued about was his dependency on his parents/their overprotection of him), he proposed, got into an argument, his parents gave him the ultimatum - if he marries me then they would disown him. After he ended the relationship, we kept in touch for about a year, initially he would contact me while he missed me, tried to work things out with mutual friends' help who felt that the break-up was so unfortunate as the problems that he could not get over were common ones that many couples seem to have, he gave me a period of false hope when it seemed like he was coming around, but then ultimately he said he was confused when he gave me false hope. After one year of discussing problems openly, trying to make him see why I was not able to please his parents (I did try, but definitely not enough as his parents did not make it easy for me. I know I can't use that as an excuse and I really should have tried harder), I wanted to correct my mistakes, but even though he would seem to agree with all my explanations, yet he cannot get passed the problems, and will not give me the chance to make things right.... he sincerely believes his parents are right - that I don't love him and will not be able to make him happy. In the end, he said there was no way to change his parents opinion, that he did love me before, but now because of the problems, he is uncertain if he loves me... but he also sees from all my efforts that I do love him (kinda a contradictory to his explanation that he agrees with his parents that I do not love him enough)... so he just said that he was sorry to have wasted my time. Since he slowly distanced himself from me over the past year, and his parents and sister are providing extra love to him, constantly checking up on him to see where he is and what he is doing (making sure that he is not with me), cooking/cleaning and taking care of him, etc... he seems to be ok and does not need to contact me anymore.

 

It may have started with his parents' ultimatum, but in the end he believed every reason his parents gave him for ending our engagement, he agrees with them and he cannot get past the problems himself (which he had also contributed to as many were result of miscommunication and misunderstanding), despite agreeing with me when I or our mutual friends tried to explain how these misunderstandings came about and how if we both learn from these and prevent them in the future our relationship can be extremely happy as we had a lot in common and were happy before his parents gave him the ultimatum and started to "help" him see how I really am not the right one for him. He changed into a person that I did not really know... he sees everyone who agrees with him (his family, his close friends who only heard his side of the story) as evidence that we don't match as I wasn't able to please his parents or his friends... he sees mutual friends who listened to both sides of the story and tried to smooth things out as just "feeling bad for us" or "did not understand him that well" (and even though he seemed to agree with their and my explanations, he still cannot get past any of the issues)... or perhaps that inability to forgive/lack of willingness to try to work things out is his true nature... Perhaps his true nature is that he can love a person deeply when he feels she has not made any mistakes and loves him enough, but when there is any mistakes or family opposition, he will doubt and then cannot forgive easily.

 

Basically a person who is unable to forgive my mistakes (and these were not huge issues after getting advice from our mutual friends, my own friends and even third parties... no cheating, no betrayal, even after he ended engagement, I was still doing everything in him best interest and with him in mind... mostly misunderstandings and his parents feeling that I did not love him enough, his parents feeling that I did not do enough to please them, etc), is not someone that I can spend the rest of my life with... if it is not the mistakes that I made in the past, it'll be some future mistakes that he cannot forgive, as I am not perfect. I know all this... I understand, I accept that the current him is the real him now... yet, I still feel very sad... and despite my rationale self trying to comfort myself, I still have these dips in my emotion... I know healing takes time... yes, I was in denial for the better part of the past year with false hope... but now I genuinely believe he will not change his way of thinking. So shouldn't I start to feel better? Why do I still feel sad despite knowing that I have tried my best?

 

Am I putting myself under emotional abuse/dependency? He isn't doing this to me... I am the one who is still allowing myself to have these dips... I try really hard to move on, but I'm still having the dips... any suggestions on what I can do?

[thousandyear]

Sorry for further rambling... perhaps the act of writing this all out is a way for me to vent and feel better...

 

I know I shouldn't think further about the past, but since a mini-class reunion today at lunch, I've been feeling somewhat down as everyone else was there with their spouse and some even brought their kids.

 

Thinking back, in one of my not too distant conversation with my ex where I was trying to see if there was any more room for reconsideration by him even after our mutual friends and myself have tried to explain how many of the problems he had with me were common ones couples have and many were out of misunderstanding, he had said...

 

"Everyone at work, and your friends all seem to really like you, so clearly you know how to act in a way to make others like you, so I do not understand why you were not able to please my parents." He sees this as act of not loving him enough. It's almost as if not being able to please his parents was a deliberate act by me of disrespect as I generally liked by others. He seems to not be able to consider that perhaps if that is the case then maybe his parent also played in a role in not allowing me to please them or making it hard for me to please them. I tried to explain that I did try to please his parents on multiple occasions, but never met with much success so I gave up due to my own "ego"... and I apologized for not trying hard enough and said that I will try harder in the future. Instead of accepting this and seeing perhaps his parents did not make it easy for me, he simply says he cannot understand my behaviour and cannot get past my lack of effort. This stuck with him as proof for why his parents said I do not love him enough.

 

"You are a smart girl and quite successful in your career, so you know how to behave and act, and so it's hard for me to believe the mistakes that you said you made were due to misunderstanding or lack of realization. I don't believe they are misunderstandings. I believe we have different values." He seems to equate being smart at "books" or "work" with being smart in everything, including relationships. And he seems to be saying that smart people do not make mistakes, but rather actions are all done out of careful thought and hence cannot be forgiven as mistakes, but rather fundamental value differences.

 

Even as I write this I realize how difficult it would be for me to have a future with someone who thinks this way towards me. Perhaps I provoked him to think this way about me, and that he will be able to genuinely love someone without doubt, he will be able to forgive his future spouse for her mistakes, but I am not that person. Then why am I still feeling so sad? My rational brain cannot seem to understand why my heart is so irrational...

[marconi68]

The Acceptance stage, as other people in here have posted, is not as black and white as we thought it would be. I was thinking too that once we reach that stage then, yipee, it's done, won and gone, healed now where's my medal?

With acceptance comes the cold reality of the permanence of the break up; that person is not coming back; ever.

We already know this in our brains, but not fully in hearts.

So the healing process must continue. But that will make us even stronger people.

[secondchance67]

The heart and brain are always at odds when it comes to this kind of thing.

 

The hearts wants to FEEL...the love, the warmth, the comfort of the other person, keeping them on a pedastal, remembering them in a loving way, not the way they may really be.

The brain wants to THINK...the reasons, the actions, the rational thoughts about the ex that provides those moments of clarity, when we see them for how they really are, who they are, what they have done.

 

The problem with Acceptance is it forces the heart and brain to do the same thing, simultaneously: agree to feel it and think about it at the same time, in unison, and come to terms with it, together.

 

When that happens, its an odd feeling to say the least. For me, its that almost "nothingness" I feel inside, no longer hurting, but also not happy and content yet either....its that "space between" accepting its really over and getting past it, I guess.

 

I have just reached the acceptance stge, and it will be 3 months out next week of a 6 year relationship

[Never2Late]

Acceptance is not the same as happiness. Happiness is something that lasts forever, no matter what happens in your life.

We can be content, in a good mood, laughing and smiling, but not really REALLY happy.

 

When we feel 'happy', everything seems to be just as it should be. But life has ups and downs, we only grow and become better persons when we dig ourselves out from the dump.

 

Accept that it's over, cut all contacts and be selfish, think about YOU! Your ex doesn't care, why would you care?!

 

When you're old, you'll start reading the pages from the book 'My Life: A Long Story', and I bet you'll ask yourself why there are so many pages full of sadness and wasted time.

You're the author of your life, it's time to start a new chapter! The old one is gone. This is acceptance.

 

It's sunny where I live, I'm physically healthy, I'm young, smart and handsome. I live on my own, I have money and the independence I always wanted when I was a kid. I can basically do what I want! What else do I need to be happy?! My ex?! NO! Big NO! She didn't make me happy. So, why have I accepted what happened but I'm still sad?! Here it comes the moment when we must change our mind-set:

 

I CAN BE HAPPY ALONE.

I CAN WALK ON MY FEET.

I MISS THE GOOD, OLD TIMES BUT THE FUTURE WILL BE AMAZING.

I DON'T NEED SOMEONE TO MAKE ME HAPPY.

I'M IN CONTROL OF MY LIFE.

MY EX IS GONE. A NEW LOVE WILL COME IN DUE TIME AND IT WILL BE BETTER THAN EVER.

I APPRECIATE WHAT I 'STILL' HAVE AND NOT WHAT I LOST.

 

Happiness comes from your emotional health, not from your heart. And this type of health resides in your psyche.

You must be willing to change the way you think, learn from your mistakes and move on!

 

The future is unpredictable, but the responsibility to choose which path to take is in us.

 

If someone doesn't want to be with you, there's nothing you can do. Swallow this hard pill and get on with your life.

 

The world doesn't end here.

[FreeFallFeelin]

It sounds like you've been waiting for your ex to change his mind all this time. You're still mired in the details of who said what and when, and what it all means. Realizing that it is over, forever, is a big painful step in the right direction towards healing. But you have to really look at it in the face and accept that it's over. You won't begin to recover until you quit him like a drug, and force yourself forward.

 

Also, anyone that breaks off a serious relationship because their parents said to is either very very very immature, or absolutely has no idea what they want or what to do. This condition is common, and it even has a name - Arrested Development. In either case, you don't want to be married to that! Having to seek his parents approval all the time sounds like hell, and not one bit like an adult relationship. They said they would "disown" him? If he had balls, was independent and ready to stand strong with you as a life partner, he would have called their bluff.

[thousandyear]

When that happens, its an odd feeling to say the least. For me, its that almost "nothingness" I feel inside, no longer hurting, but also not happy and content yet either....its that "space between" accepting its really over and getting past it, I guess.

 

I have just reached the acceptance stge, and it will be 3 months out next week of a 6 year relationship

 

Just as you described, recently I had a few "nothingness" days as well... it's a really odd feeling of no pain or happiness... going to work, caring for patients (I'm always happy when I do this, I love the hugs that I receive and the conversations, but it's "work mode"), coming home, doing some paperwork, going to bed feeling "nothing"... so hopefully the frequency of these days will increase as the sadness days phase out during this "space between" transition from ACCEPTANCE and GETTING PAST IT. Let's hope that we transition out of this nothingness stage soon to full recovery!

[thousandyear]

Acceptance is not the same as happiness. Happiness is something that lasts forever, no matter what happens in your life.

We can be content, in a good mood, laughing and smiling, but not really REALLY happy.

 

A senior colleague/mentor who extended their help to me recently told me that happiness is controlled by our own expectations. The higher the expectations, the more pain we feel when they are not met. So the more we invested in a relationship, the more we loved someone, the more we wanted a future with someone, then the deeper the pain we feel when he/she leaves us. Perhaps may ex's purpose in my life is to teach me to see my own "blind spots", be able to recognize my own mistakes and learn from them, and become a better version of me... and ultimately that I must be happy with myself...

 

I must not allow my ex and his parents define who I am... just because they said that I was not good enough, just because they cannot forgive my mistakes and somehow used the fact that being "book smart" means that one does not make unplanned mistakes, doesn't mean that I am not good enough for a man who true appreciates my strengths and can see them himself without requiring his parents' guidance/support.

 

It's sunny where I live, I'm physically healthy, I'm young, smart and handsome. I live on my own, I have money and the independence I always wanted when I was a kid. I can basically do what I want! What else do I need to be happy?! My ex?! NO! Big NO! She didn't make me happy. So, why have I accepted what happened but I'm still sad?! Here it comes the moment when we must change our mind-set:

 

I CAN BE HAPPY ALONE.

I CAN WALK ON MY FEET.

I MISS THE GOOD, OLD TIMES BUT THE FUTURE WILL BE AMAZING.

I DON'T NEED SOMEONE TO MAKE ME HAPPY.

I'M IN CONTROL OF MY LIFE.

MY EX IS GONE. A NEW LOVE WILL COME IN DUE TIME AND IT WILL BE BETTER THAN EVER.

I APPRECIATE WHAT I 'STILL' HAVE AND NOT WHAT I LOST.

 

Happiness comes from your emotional health, not from your heart. And this type of health resides in your psyche.

You must be willing to change the way you think, learn from your mistakes and move on!

 

Thanks for this uplifting message

[thousandyear]

It sounds like you've been waiting for your ex to change his mind all this time. You're still mired in the details of who said what and when, and what it all means. Realizing that it is over, forever, is a big painful step in the right direction towards healing. But you have to really look at it in the face and accept that it's over. You won't begin to recover until you quit him like a drug, and force yourself forward.

 

You are absolutely right... for a greater part of this past year since he ended the engagement I was waiting for him to change his mind. I totally did not see it coming as he did not mention most of the concerns he and his parents had with me until his parents gave him the ultimatum... I'm not sure if he was perhaps happy until his parents pointed everything out and then he started to agree with them, or whether he had all those concerns but just did not communicate them to me... I thought he was happy, he did propose to me afterall.

 

I am very easy-going in some ways, but very "stubborn" in one respect: I believed that a couple can work anything out if they both worked together... that no one will be able to promise that he will not disappoint me at some point, not make a mistake... and I am the same, so the most important thing is to be willing FORGIVE, learn from the mistakes and grow together. And given we were engaged, to me that promise of marriage is essentially the same as marriage, and the only difference was no legal documentation... so I wanted to figure out what the problems were, try to correct my mistakes and make things right, and thought that he also had the same ability to forgive. Clearly I was wrong and I took me 1 year to realize this. You are absolutely right, I need to stop thinking about the details of the past... they are of the past and play no role in the present or the future.

 

Also, anyone that breaks off a serious relationship because their parents said to is either very very very immature, or absolutely has no idea what they want or what to do. This condition is common, and it even has a name - Arrested Development. In either case, you don't want to be married to that! Having to seek his parents approval all the time sounds like hell, and not one bit like an adult relationship. They said they would "disown" him? If he had balls, was independent and ready to stand strong with you as a life partner, he would have called their bluff.

 

You are right... the only thing I ever really argued with him over the 5 year relationship was his dependency on his parents/their overprotection. I guess I was in denial and thinking that he would grow out of it... but he is now in his 30s and clearly chose to continue to rely on his parents. I want a man who loves me and knows it (and does not require his parents' approval), who sees me being an intellectual equal as a strength (not as a weakness such that I want to control him or not be able to care for him adequately in his parents mind), who is actually proud of my career achievements (and not see them in a negative as evidence for why I shouldn't really make any mistakes and instead were all done out of careful thought), who accepts my imperfect self and is able to forgive. I should focus now on what I want in life, instead of dwelling in the past...

 

I appreciate everyone's comments... they really "knocked" some sense into me!

[thousandyear]

The Acceptance stage, as other people in here have posted, is not as black and white as we thought it would be. I was thinking too that once we reach that stage then, yipee, it's done, won and gone, healed now where's my medal?

With acceptance comes the cold reality of the permanence of the break up; that person is not coming back; ever.

We already know this in our brains, but not fully in hearts.

So the healing process must continue. But that will make us even stronger people.

 

So true! I will focus on the healing process and not the past. I may still have intermittent sad days and I hope someone will be kind enough to "throw a virtual pillow" of common sense at me... thanks for all the support!!

[Jacksonsmith]

I am in between. I have accepted it is over and I can never get her back but I do get sad every now and then She was my first love and I will always care for her but I have accepted she is gone.

[thousandyear]

I am in between. I have accepted it is over and I can never get her back but I do get sad every now and then She was my first love and I will always care for her but I have accepted she is gone.

 

I always imagined that with acceptance I would feel this sudden freedom, as if a light bulb turned on and I somehow see the light or a heavy weight lifted from my shoulders... but now that I am in this stage, I've come to realize that there is none of that... it's a transition period with reduced number of days of sadness and increase in number of days of "nothingness", and slowly creeping in a few days of feeling good. I think our minds accept, and our hearts are just lagging behind in the having the same feeling...

[thousandyear]

Today was not a great day... was a work-related dinner seminar tonight and several people I haven't seen in awhile kept on asking how things are between my ex and I (we are in the same profession and it's very small).

 

So I've been trying to read up some inspirational quotes and came accross this one... thought I would share. Maybe you have heard it already, if not, hope it can help:

 

"Never force someone to make a space in their life for you, because if they know your worth, they will surely create one for you..."

[marconi68]

Yes that's a good one. I can be a bit slow on the uptake but people in here have pointed it out that you can do all the work and try and 'win' the other person's affection - the 'prize' - but YOU have to be the prize, or your just treading water.

 

Although this wasn't great day for you - unfortunately people or things will remind you of your ex - you still went out of your way to try and inspire others.

[thousandyear]

Yes that's a good one. I can be a bit slow on the uptake but people in here have pointed it out that you can do all the work and try and 'win' the other person's affection - the 'prize' - but YOU have to be the prize, or your just treading water.

 

Although this wasn't great day for you - unfortunately people or things will remind you of your ex - you still went out of your way to try and inspire others.

 

Thanks marconi68! I am also slow with the uptake... but as long as we are heading in the right direction, that's what matters most now.

 

Here are a few more inspirational quotes that I hope some of you may find helpful:

 

"The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past, you can't go on well in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches. Learn from them and move on..."

 

"There comes a time when you have to stop blaming your past mistakes, the people that hurt you, the suffering you have seen and felt and be grateful for your life in the now. Find peace with yourself, take it and learn to enjoy and be happy with a better life. It will never be perfect, but it will be worth it! ♥ Forever is the rest of our days.. We are not guaranteed tomorrow. I would rather go on with love and a smile in my heart, than bitterness in my soul..."

 

"I wear my heart on my sleeve, but I’m not naive. I know what it feels like to be completely broken and I’m all too familiar with what it feels like to hurt. I know what it’s like to see something funny and not laugh. I’ve been taken advantage of and used. My feelings have been completely disregarded, but I still believe all people are good at heart, and my trust has not diminished. To be honest, I hope it never does..."

 

"People remove themselves from your life for a reason. Never regret when that happens because it happened for a reason..."

 

"Whatever happens to you in life, you only have two choices: Either you make it a good memory, or a good lesson..."