The L word

[StarGazer68]

To sum the back story- met a guy 2 months ago. After very few dates, he asked me to be a couple. I said yes. Wasn't sure what I was getting into at first and I was quite suspicious and also scared to get into a relationship. I didn't understand why he was so gung-ho about me and so into me from the get-go and not ashamed to show it....not used to it.

 

Now fast forward to a month and a half of going out and seeing each other about twice a week....we have not yet slept together but have gotten intimate in all other ways. He has told me that he loves me recently. I don't think I feel the same way yet but do think such feelings are growing inside me the more I get to know him, but I feel that I have JUST started to trust him and get to know him. What's more, I'm sad to think that his love for me may be coming from a place of infatuation, intimacy, etc....he has never told anyone that he loves them before, but has been in a bunch of relationships with the longest lasting only half a year. I guess we haven't been around each other enough or know each other enough for his feelings to be true, deep and real. So now I'm sad he told me because maybe his feelings will fade and go away eventually since they are coming from a place of infatuation or something like it.

 

I am falling for him and have told him. He says he is ok with the fact that I don't reciprocate his feelings yet. He could tell I felt weird that he told me, so he said he'd stop professing his love until I feel the same so that he doesn't scare me off. It's basically like he's waiting on me now. He also said he thinks I don't believe him which I was honest and I told him that I don't believe he loves me yet.

 

I'm feeling pretty bummed that he told me that he loves me rather than holding it in and waiting a while to let that feeling develop and grow more. I also am sentimental and romantic and he kind of told me in a not very romantic way which bothers me a little and I know that's silly. I'm just upset that he told me so soon and in the way he did. I know life isn't like a movie though and I shouldn't be picking at these kinds of things, but I can't help feeling upset at the way I was told and how soon I was told. I didn't want the relationship to rush and move so fast and I told him I want to take things slow a few times and yet, he told me this anyway because he couldn't help how he is feeling.

 

What do I do now? How do I keep this relationship going when one of us is moving faster than the other? He already constantly asks me to come to his place and sleep over which makes me nervous too that he just wants to keep getting intimate instead of doing new, fun things together.

 

I feel terrible that he told me he loves me and I didn't say it back because I don't feel that way yet....I don't want him to lose his feelings and love for me because he has to wait while I take my time developing feelings and love for him and take my time to declare love to him. I mean, I think it could take me months till I say it quite possibly....and I'm nervous now he will resent me for it or lose interest because maybe the longer he waits, the more he'll think I won't ever feel the same way. I also don't want him to feel foolish.

[LDRohnos]

It's very common for people to fear the L word, usually because once it's "out there" that person has shown their vulnerability and the recipient of those words now holds a certain amount of control over their emotions. It seems from your post that you definitely have a case of someone who is afraid of being vulnerable (or allowing yourself to be) with this man, at this point. You aren't fully comfortable with him yet, you don't 100% trust him yet, whatever the case may be. There's no timetable when you should say it (or don't) and you just do it when it feels right.

 

The way I see it, once someone throws the L word out, the relationship is now thrown on the "Armageddon Clock", so to speak. Everything becomes real, fast. I think you're going to have to figure out if this person is "the one" or has the potential to be, because you now not only have your own feelings to think about, but his as well. If you aren't really feeling this relationship and he's fallen into love with you, the best thing you can do is tell him this right off the bat so he can start withdrawing now rather than later and he's even MORE invested into the relationship emotionally.

 

Nobody feels foolish for loving someone. The only way you feel foolish is by loving someone who doesn't appriciate it and takes advantage of it. What I mean by this is sometimes people enjoy the ego-stroke they get when someone says it, even if they're incapable of returning it because they're afraid of the vulnerability or because they're just not in love. So, rather than "hurt" that person they seflishly accept the love (and the vulnerability) without returning it at all. Which, in the long run is much more painful.

 

The only thing you can do is be honest and straightforward with him at every turn. He won't feel foolish for loving you so long as you don't make him a fool by leading him on or giving him half-truths and lies of omission.

[LDRohnos]

Just to add. If you aren't in love with him, just tell him that. If you think there's a potential, tell him that. However you feel, just communicate that with him.

[StarGazer68]

I am feeling the relationship and falling for him. I have a sense that I could have some kind of love feelings for him already, but not enough for me to say it yet. Especially since like you say, I am not ready to be vulnerable yet, don't trust him fully yet and am not fully comfortable yet. I am slowly getting there though and if I look at how I felt toward him only two weeks ago compared to now, I am definitely growing more trusting and more into him. I just need more time and I just wish we had waited longer. But you seem to be saying that it's not too soon for him to have said it and I shouldn't be worried that it came from a place of infatuation?

[StarGazer68]

I guess I'm also worrying that it's not real and that he thinks he's in love with me. Also, like you said LDRohnos, the relationship now is going to go so much faster than what I want. I need slow. I can't do fast. Fast burns out fast too in my opinion.

[LDRohnos]

Some people fall in love faster than others. Perhaps he's confusing love with lust or infatuation, how long it takes isn't the only deciding factor. Obviously if someone says it a week after meeting, chances are it's not love but then again some people know what they want and falling in love comes much quicker. I think the time it takes usually comes down to understanding what one is looking for, when you find that person you much more quickly develop an attachment to them because they just "fit".

 

I've had a girl in my past tell me that "You thought you were in love" months after I told her I loved her. It came from the same perspective as your looking from right now. It wasn't so much that I didn't actually love her (I did, truly and honestly) but because she didn't know what *she* wanted. So she pretended as if my feelings weren't actually genuine, since it added another layer of protection for herself. Keeping it "unreal" so to speak. Detached. Safe for her.

 

If it's going too fast then there's a possibility that you just aren't ready for a committed relationship yet and he needs to know this. Again, just be honest with him. That honesty now will pay big dividends in the future, both for you and him. In the future you may still be running from his "love" and he'll be getting resentful, you'll be getting frustrated.

 

*edit* I guess what I'm getting at is to worry less about if what he feels is genuine and worry more about what how you feel and how to communicate that to him. How he feels (or thinks he feels) isn't up for argument. The only thing you can do is tell him your perspective and how you feel.

[itzGman]

In my current relationship i was quick to fall in love also.

It only took me about 5 weeks before I said it.

She didn't feel the same way and I'm sure she didn't think I really was in love with her as well.

She finally felt the same for me and told me some 2 months later.

Now that I look back at it, it was early infatuation actually, instead of true love.

I think I really loved her after about 6 months.

We had plenty of time to get to know each other and everything worked out right anyway.

Weve been together about 2.5 years and I continue to fall in love with her every day.

I know, sappy and corney lol.

But true!

[The_Seeker]

In my current relationship i was quick to fall in love also.

It only took me about 5 weeks before I said it.

She didn't feel the same way and I'm sure she didn't think I really was in love with her as well.

She finally felt the same for me and told me some 2 months later.

Now that I look back at it, it was early infatuation actually, instead of true love.

I think I really loved her after about 6 months.

We had plenty of time to get to know each other and everything worked out right anyway.

Weve been together about 2.5 years and I continue to fall in love with her every day.

I know, sappy and corney lol.

But true!

 

 

OP, just take your time.

 

Just make sure you assure him you have strong feelings for him so he doesn't question himself if you are attracted to him or not.

[StarGazer68]

Thanks for your responses. They were very helpful. I am not trying to detach myself too much. Just a little bit because the relationship is still so new and short and I don't want it to go fast and burn out. I just want to take our time with everything. I guess you're right, the only thing I can do is tell him how I'm feeling which I will continue to do so. I think I need to stop questioning his feelings and let him have them lol.

[StarGazer68]

In my current relationship i was quick to fall in love also.

It only took me about 5 weeks before I said it.

She didn't feel the same way and I'm sure she didn't think I really was in love with her as well.

She finally felt the same for me and told me some 2 months later.

Now that I look back at it, it was early infatuation actually, instead of true love.

I think I really loved her after about 6 months.

We had plenty of time to get to know each other and everything worked out right anyway.

Weve been together about 2.5 years and I continue to fall in love with her every day.

I know, sappy and corney lol.

But true!

 

Thanks for your response. I'm glad it worked out for you even though you realized your idea of love in the beginning was more of an infatuation, but I'm glad it still flowered into true love. Actually, looking back on it, I think that my boyfriend was already hinting that he was in love with me around two weeks into the relationship and after around 5 dates! We're basically a little over five weeks now and looking at having only seen each other 10-11 times....I'm worried he idealized me and made up who I am in his head and fell in love with that girl and am nervous I won't live up to whatever/whoever he thinks he is in love with.

[Stay_home]

My girlfriend and I have only been dating just slightly under the two month mark and have only known each other just short of three months. On Sunday she spends a night at my place, we're laying in bed when suddenly she goes, "I've been meaning to talk to you about something, about the 'L' word. And shortly thereafter she told me she loved me.

 

Very similiar to StarGaze and it's got nothing to do with being afraid of committment or being vulnerable, but I also feel as if this is justwaytoo fast for me. Why pitch out such a fast ball when it's only been several weeks. And yes it did make me feel very awkward and uncomfortable, but I also told her my feelings and that was that I'm just not at the stage yet where the feelings are love. Even if I was, I would hold off on saying this to her until a little while longer so I can really get a feel and guage that this is what I want.

[StarGazer68]

Yes, thank you. You really explained it well as to how I feel. I don't think I'm afraid of committment or of being vulnerable, but like you said, why not hold off and wait to make sure you really feel this way and it's what you want and not go so fast. You and I seem to be in similar situations... even the time frame is the same for the both of us basically. I'm holding off saying the L word even if i start to feel it because I want to be sure and I also don't want to rush there and enjoy the still young part of the relationship and the cute getting to know you parts.

 

My boyfriend also told me this in bed after I had spent the night and we had gotten intimate but not had sex (we haven't done that yet). I did the same as you and let him know that I'm not at that place yet. Before he even told me the l word, he prefaced it by telling me that he knows he what he is about to say is so soon and it must seem crazy and that I don't have to say anything or feel bad that I'm not at the same place yet. He said he hopes he doesnt frighten me away. But then I was thinking, if he really hopes he doesn't scare me off, why say it? I don't get it. Why not wait till you are more sure I am feeling the same way. He told me he's never said it to any girl before....which I find hard to believe because ever since I met him, he seems fast paced and told me all his relationships he had went fast and he wants to slow down with me which we discussed more than once but then his actions didn't go along with his words obviously...he keeps making plans for me in his future months from now. He talks like we will be together for months from now and at first, I was so suspicious (which I think naturally anyone would be) and thought it was some ploy to get me in bed, now I am not sure what to think. This guy is so backwards lol.