Thoughts and Opinions (kind of long)

[CantGetOverHim]

I've been reading this forum for about 2 months now and have decided to post as I'm in great need of everyone's opinions.

 

I have a similar, yet unique story to those already posted. I was with my first and only love for 7 years up until two months ago when he broke up with me. We had a unique situation in that we went to college together and then lived about 30 minutes away from each other for all but the last year of our relationship. He got relocated to a state about 3000 miles away for work and I decided very quickly to relocate with him, though I wasn't ready (I lost a family member only a few years ago and feel an attachment to home). I was told by him that I could try the situation out for 6 months (length of lease) and if it didn't work I could go home and he would come home on the weekends and I would go there. I panicked and was very homesick and could not find a job and was home alone quite a bit (as his job requires travel) and I moved back home 6 months later. I started to enjoy myself and get used to life with him there, but I still ran back home. I still thought that we would be together, but about two weeks later, he dropped the bomb.

 

I'm devastated. He wants to remain best friends, but I just can't get past the fact that he can switch to being friends on the drop of a dime after 7 years of being together. At first, he called once a week and now the calls are more frequent. I have not initiated a phone call in about a month and sometimes avoid his calls. I've read all about NC and have done it to a degree, but I can't help but think I'm at a disadvantage as he's in one place, me another.

 

Is he truly calling me to just be my friend or can he not let go? I'm acting strong when I talk to him and telling him about the places I go, etc... but I just wish I knew what was going on in his mind. Two weeks ago he asked if I met someone because he said his friends were teasing him that they saw me out talking to a guy? So, he still cares, or what?

 

Please Help - if you read this long story I give you credit!

[yogaroots]

Well after reading your post it sounds to me like this guy may have lost interest way before he decided to drop the bomb on you. I've seen this happen so many times. Matter of fact, it happenend to me. The last girl I was with for more than two years pulled the same stunt. In your shoes it's hard to be strong because your feelings are so intertwined into the relationship. Keep your head up!!

[CantGetOverHim]

Does that mean there is no hope for us and no hope for him getting his interest in me back? We had already discussed marriage and this person at one time adored me like no other. I am moving on, but I can't help but be human and have 1% of hope in the back of my mind. How am I supposed to show someone that I've changed when they are so far away?

[craigblitz]

Easy yogaroots!!! First off him calling is a FANTASTIC sign. Nobody goes from a 7 year realtionship to friends just like that, it does not happened. It sounds like you guys are still young and he is traveling and experincing new things and does not want to have a g/f right now. Very selfish after 7 years, but that could be the case. I know this story well. I mean think about it have you guys had an opportunity to be single during the best time to be single? Doesn't sound that way.

 

My advice you is evaluate what it is you want. If you really want to be in stable realtionship and he can not give that to you then you need to move on. If you really love and can allow for things to be the way they are right now then do so. If that is the route you choose be sure to be dating as well in case his interest moves on as well.

 

Trust me the love was there for 7 years it does not burn out that quickly. If you can not handle being friends right now tell him. Say I am sorry X but I can not just be your friend. In fact let me borrow an all time classic from my friend shock&dismayed " seeing how this break-up was not mutual I am sure you can understand why we can't just be friends". Move on then when you can jus tbe friends with his reach out and try.

 

Bottom line is if he is calling there is hope, but you need evaluate and be honest with yourself first and foremost. What do you want... I can NOT stress that enough.

 

Best of luck to you!!!

[CantGetOverHim]

Thanks, CraigBlitz - it's always easier to hear more positive feedback than negative. The travelling bit is always going to be there for him as he is in the aviation industry - basically he has finally reached where he has been dreaming of and working so hard to get and I felt a bit put on the back burner, as well.

 

It's tough to be his friend, but I can do it. I just kind of feel as if he is having his cake and eating it too. I'm heartbroken and he's got what he wants, plus his ex-girlfriend who is still willing to support him. I feel naive, but I can't go from speaking to him 5 times a day, every day for 7 years to not speaking to him at all. I had butterflies every time my phone would ring and it would be him, no matter if it was at the beginning of the relationship or the end or the beginning of the day or the end.

 

The way I acted when I relocated seriously turned him off and it's as if he's put up a wall that I cannot break down. I understand I was immature, but I've realized my faults and don't think anything I did was unforgivable.....

[craigblitz]

If it is too hard for you to be friends then don't be right now. He has hurt you and so on. Maybe he is having his cake and eating it. That is why I am saying do what is best for you. It will be too hard to be his friend if you have those feelings, but your feelings are not unjustified so give it some time. Make him be the one to contact you.

 

I do not believe in complete NC. For the past months I have made my ex do all the contacting, and jut recently have I had the manhood to tell her what I want and so on. I am not getting overly confident but I am willing to bet dollars to nickles that we will be back together soon.

 

She even as of Friday sais she just wants us to see each other. Be patient for now, and focus on keeping yourself happy. I know it is tough seeing how all day I am sure you think of him, but keep trying.

 

Also realize if you decide NC or minimal contact you are not at risk of losing him, like I said he has 7 years of love does not go away in 2 months or 3 months..... do what is best for you!!!! From the sounds of it you are still rightfully bitter... let it rest a while.

[JustPlainSad]

She even as of Friday sais she just wants us to see each other.

 

SCREW YOU!

[trishcollins]

I think we can ALL relate to how you feel. It's been just short of three months since my breakup and I still get upset -- fine my mind wandering at work, can't concentrate, want to scream.

 

Mind you, the destraught and desparate feeling has left me, but I still feel sad, and still find myself wondering how it all happened and why me. I guess we will all second guess ourselves.

 

By making this person out to be someone we cannot live without, we give the power to the other person, that's the biggest problem. Just remember, they don't have the power, you do.

 

Take care of yourself, concentrate on your life, and your goals. Take it from a "senior" in the dating department -- you might think he is the "one" until the next "one" comes along. You will get through this. Hang in there.

[CantGetOverHim]

It's been two months since he broke up with me and it's not getting any easier; it's getting harder for me. I keep feeling more of an emptiness inside of me as each day passes. I'm sure it's because reality is setting in and I am completely losing all hope of getting him back (and yes, I do want him back as he is the person that I want to marry and grow old with. I am adamant about this and understand that this breakup might be what we both needed.).

 

I feel like if we have not got back together yet, then we probably never will and this makes me sick to my stomach.

 

Sometimes I wonder if he is taking this as seriously as I am?

[craigblitz]

2 months in the world of hurt, confussion, tears, sleepless nights, pain, and living with the memories seem like an etenity no?? I know they do..I remember when 2 months passed I was like well there is no hope at all if she can be without me for that long then there is no way she will come back. WRONG!!!! 2 months is not anything in the grand scheme of things. Look at all the success stories I can not remember any that got back in 2 months... i think it is usually 6 months to a year (just complete random numbers I am pulling, but i bet would be pretty accurate).

 

Please, ohh god how I wish I could make you understand this...Start doing things for you. Impossible you say.. there is too much pain right now Craig... I can't. You have too...Only when you become happy with yourself again will this pain go away. I was on the recieving end of this lecture not too long ago.... I would be like I just can not move on without her.... I know these are just words, but I beg of you please take the advice. Find something that you are interested in and do it, take a class, join a cllub... join a gym anything that will make you better.

 

Also, please understand this.. love does not die quickly.... 2 months is a short time for anything to happened. Be patient, everyday deal with the pain a little better and things will come out ok. A good friend I met on this board just told me you have to let go and realize everything will be ok regardless of the outcome... awsome advise.. you need to work to get there mentally....

 

Best of luck, all the prayers and heart felt love one can give through an internet chat board I am pass along to you.. Good luck

[CantGetOverHim]

Craig - thanks, again for the positive feedback.

 

I'm definitely learning and growing and doing things for myself because of this, but it's almost as if I'm living two lives: the new and improved me and the sad and lonely and hurt me.

 

I guess it's difficult, too, because it's something that I absolutely cannot control. All I do is analyze his actions and words and then I try to do what's best (for example: should I or should I not return his phone call and how long should I wait before I do.) I feel like that stuff doesn't matter, yet I continue to think about it and devise methods. And then I feel like he doesn't have a care in the world as the ball is in his court. All of this from someone who I shared 7 years with and someone for whom I would do anything....

[craigblitz]

More then welcome..

 

You are living 2 lives right now there is nothing that you can do about that. You just do not stop living a life and go to the next. The key is to try to focus on the current life and not the one that is no longer there. Hahaha so much easier said then done...I know....

 

"I guess it's difficult, too, because it's something that I absolutely cannot control."

 

You are 100% RIGHT you can not control the other person or the way they feel... you can only control yourself, that is it. That leads to the next point. Some people who know me are going to laugh that I can be saying this, but stop right now analayzing everything he says how he says it when he says it. It IS driving you mad... When you do this you start putting together a plan or strategy to get them back.. worry when you should answer, should you call.. should I do this or this or this.. Absolute horrible game to play, do not play it. If he calls and you feel like talking then answer the phone. If you are busy or just do not want to talk then do not.

 

There is no stradegy that will get your love back. If it takes that is it really love? I am sorry I am the biggest opponet to fate, but if it is real love and you both have it, it will work out. Son of Gun huh.... as much as you want you have to really on the forces of love and fate.... but that is what it is. No game, no i will answer every 3rd call.. I will make him wait an hour till I call back.. In my opinion all BS!!!!

 

With that said there are things that you can do that will hurt the changes of getting back together. You can not keep bringing up the relationship when he calls. If you do you need to stop talking to then (shut up justplainsad). I have learned that the hard way. You have to be able to forgive them for the pain they have caused... if you can't don't even bother talking to them yet. Most of all you have to take care of you to offer him the best you that you can.

 

Also realize that even if he is single he will not find with anyone the intamcy that he once had with you. It may take him some time, but 7 years is a long time, and it sounds like you have had a good realtionship. Show him love and patience, but keep moving your life forward in case it does not work out....

 

The ball is not all in his court... not at all.... You think it is because he holds the decsion that you want.. together or not, but you have a lot more power then you think. A good person to talk to about that would be Muneca. Look her up.. great lady with some really good advice.

 

Best to you

[CantGetOverHim]

At least there is some consolation in the fact that unbeknownst to him, I am handling the situation right. I do not bring us/relationship up at all when we talk. We just have a "normal" conversation, but it is so frustrating in that I feel almost as if I'm talking to a stranger in that the conversations are somewhat formal. I hate the fact that I am restricted from saying "I Love You" before I hang up - as that it always how we ended the conversations. It's the little stuff like that that really bothers me.

 

And, you're right - we had a great relationship. We never fought and never once broke up until this past year. This change in our lives took a huge toll on both of us, but it's made me realize what I truly want and unfortunately, I think it's made him realize that he might want something completely different - as in, not me.

 

I will heed your advice and attempt to leave this up to fate as my ex-bf said "only time will tell", but I'm so darn impatient.

[craigblitz]

i hear myself talking when you wite....I know everything you are saying.. and ask anyone who knows me the most impatient lad you will ever meet. It has been almost 5 months since the break and after every call now she says I love you and I say it back. The first times we seen each other or talked it was like a totally different person because you do have to repress what you say and feel. You want the intamcy back like now... forget any of this took place, hug him, kiss him and so on.

 

He has not said he does not want you.... he is just making sure you are the one. HUGE difference...

[CantGetOverHim]

He has not stated that he does not want me, but has said that he doesn't know if I'm the right person for his career/lifestyle(aviation). I'm sure that makes a difference? He has told me that he stills loves me, but my opinion is that he loves me now as a best friend and has lost all of the emotional attachment. If you think about it, it's perfect for him. He still has my love and support and friendship, but doesn't have to deal with all of the hardships in a relationship and I'm the dummy for being here for him.... someday I'll learn.

[craigblitz]

Justplainsad, Muneca, Shocked, Fletch, and a host of others does this not sound familiar. This is my story re-written. Yeah she loved me but was not sure I was the one. How could they, they dated us almost their entire adult life. KEEP moving on with your life, but if you want him be supportive. So what he has issues you don't. Should you stop caring for him or being there for him. I say no. If you keep moving on with your life you can handle this. I was there 3 months ago. Trust me on this...

 

Why do you think he is still calling.. Habit, nope, best friends.. nope. You do not go from lovers to friend like that.. not possible. Words, words words, I know dear but just be patient and continue to take care of you.

 

Trust me..

[CantGetOverHim]

Since I am trusting you so much, Craig, let me ask you a few questions/opinions. I do consider myself moving on and not closing the door on any new possibilities, but obviously I am going to be his friend and be supportive and hope for the best.

 

Have you or your ex dated other people during this breakup and if so, did you tell each other about it? I know there is nothing that I can do even if he does start to see other people and I actually have no way of finding out, since I am so far away, but the thought of it makes me nervous. I also tend to think that if I started dating other people(I am not ready for that just yet) that he would be a little edgy also (seeing as he's already asked me if I had met someone because his friends jokingly told him that I had). I thought I sensed a bit of uneasiness in his voice, but that might have been in my head.

 

I guess there's nothing I can do if he meets someone else and maybe that is what I need for him to do so that he can see that nobody compares to me????

[CantGetOverHim]

Justplainsad, Muneca, Shocked, Fletch, CraigBlitz or anybody else - do you have any opinions, suggestions or information for me - especially regarding my last reply?

 

Don't you think that after 7 years we deserve to get back together at least once after our first breakup - everybody else seems to break up quite a few times and get back together. I just want this one chance....

[craigblitz]

Sorry for the delay in response I have just been a little busy...

 

Yes the ex and I have dated others. Actually she has one guy for like 2 weeks and I have gone out several times (hathat sound arrogant, not meant to be). She even got intimate with him(not sex, but everyting else) and we talked about it. Makes you want to puke trsut me, so if he is maybe just leave it alone. Remember you are BOTH single so even if he is in order to have anything with him you will have to not let that bother you. You guys were together for a long time of course you will be edgy.. no doubt at all, but the fact is you should be going out. It does not have to be serious or intimate but a coffe date or dinner date is harmless and it is great for moving on.

 

Like you said maybe the best thing for him is to date others. I have said that in a round about way. I mean you both your entire dating lifes have been with each other. It is a little selfish but it is better he does this now then later, but this is a good time for you. Trsut me you do not want to date because you are sold on him.... but it does wonders.

 

As far as a second change.. sure everone deserves a second change in theory. This is the real world.. sometimes there are no second changes.. that is why it is VITAL you work on you and you alone at this point. I wish I could tell you that someday he will wake up and be like well damn I am an idiot I am going to run back to her right now... But he may or may not. Even if he does it will be a while before the relationship is back to normal again. Like Muneca says you have to look at this as a brand new relationship if it starts again.

 

Just from experenince this is not going to have a quick reslove and I kind of sense you think that may happened. It will not most likely. Patience is so important and the only way to have the required patience is taking care of yourself first and foremost... I really hope this is making sense.

 

This sounds a little down, but you never know what today or tomorrow brings....

 

Best,

 

Craig