Jealousy, rage, and finding myself

[Guitarguy_82]

I've noticed (along with my family and friends) that my behavior and actions have changed recently. I went through a breakup around Xmas and have been trying to sort things out since then. Apparently I haven't been sorting them out too well. I am currently on day 40 of NC...

 

That being said though this BU brought out some intense emotions out of me. I remember in one of the posts I made in the healing after breakup section that someone said to me: sometimes a BU is an opportunity to face some harsh truths about oneself (paraphrasing).

 

I've really gone back to that quote and I think each day as I try to heal I've discovered many harsh truths...some that I didn't think I'd be dealing with. I'd like to share those now.

 

Jealousy: I am an extremely jealous person. I compare myself to others constantly. This more than likely stems from my low self esteem. I have a negative self image and I tend to look at things negatively as well. Jealousy was one of the main reasons for my recent BU (found out she was hanging out with guy "friends" but chose not to mention them ever existing until I had to confront her) and it made me lose control with my emotions. I could not keep a "cool head'. When I found out she was sneaking around and didn't know what love was (not that I can claim I truly know what it is, I've learned) I left the relationship. In retrospect I should have done a better job of talking things out and finding trust, but my jealousy took over and I made my decisions based on anger and resentment.

 

Beating myself up: I'm very good at this. I let negative thoughts swirl around for too long and they eventually make me lose it. I say that I wasn't good enough as a partner or wasn't smart enough etc etc...any excuse I can make to make me feel like I actually am as bad as I say I am. That being said, I know I have some good qualities...but as I mentioned, I focus too much on the negative.

 

Low self esteem: as mentioned I have a very negative self image (started going bald in late teens, overweight most of my life, socially awkward). Those are things I can work on though (except the baldness). I can choose to either let my "flaws" define me or make an active decision to change them.

 

Rage: I've swallowed my emotions so many times and kept them bottled up throughout my life that I think its finally showing it's damage. I need an outlet. I've looked into joining a local gym and (once I have the money) definitely look forward to physically exerting myself to release some of that pent up anger. Anger towards myself more than anything.

 

Depression: Depression is something that I've always had since I was young. Went to counseling in elementary school and also in college. My mom finally sat down with me one day and said that it's not something to be ashamed of. It's a chemical imbalance that can be dealt with. Now, I'd rather not follow down the path of taking medicine, but if it's truly gotten to a bad point (which it has recently) then I'm open to the idea of what my doctor might suggest. I find that talking things out with friends and family helps, but they've definitely reached their limit when it comes to listening to my sob story.

 

I'm finally going to the doctor tomorrow which I haven't done in about 6 or 7 years. I think I'm due for a checkup. I'm going to relate these issues to him.

 

I guess the point is that this BU, while it is still something I'm dealing with, it opened up my eyes to the fact that I need this time to focus on myself and making myself better. Most of the "issues" I've listed are psychological/social things that I can work on over time. It will take a certain amount of strength and work to reach a point where I can be happy with myself and being alone (not only physically, but mentally as well) and learn to love myself again and find "me".

 

My dad mentioned something that made me think: "people left with their thoughts are almost like cups. when your cup is full of crap, you feel like crap, so dump out the cup and fill it with good things. some people's cups are bigger than others too." I apparently have a big cup of thoughts that easily gets filled with crap. I'm almost envious of people with small "cups" in that they can disassociate easily and quickly and generally have a carefree attitude. My ex was like this except her's was a "f**k the world, I don't care" attitude.

 

The days are hard sometimes, being left alone with my own thoughts, but it's getting slightly better with time. There are times where I am extremely anxious or angry at something my ex did in the past and want to force her to give me closure...but I know (logically) that it will never happen. My closure must come from within and on my own terms.

 

There are glimmers of hope some days too. Sometimes I am actually content and happy depending on the situation (usually after spending time on here reading others stories)...and there are even times when I can "see" a version of my future self that I want to be where I'm happy and smiling and having the time of my life surrounded by good people. I want to make that vision a reality. I don't want to be the former "me" who has managed to stumble through life and a string of failed relationships.

 

Everything is a learning experience. A chance to grow and make myself better.

 

I hope to get out of this phase where I over-think things to death over and over until I've driven myself crazy over things that I cannot change. I'm tired of being "like this". I want to flip the mental switch from being sad to being happy. I know that my heart and my brain aren't on speaking terms...and that comes with time. I've been through a bad BU before and somehow I was able to come out of it and be happy with myself. I'd like to get back to that mindset...but with a new "version" of me to move forward in life with. My journey lies in finding me again.

 

If anyone else is feeling similar to this or has their own story to share, would love to hear it.

[turnera]

If you take a mild antidepressant, you won't really notice anything more than just a ... subconscious willingness to get out and do things.

 

if you need something to take your aggression out on, and also need to work on yourself, why not try jogging? It's amazing for giving yourself time to think, it's great for you, you'll look amazing, and it will really help you let go of the emotion.

[Guitarguy_82]

Thanks, turnera. Yes I actually have gotten back into jogging even though it's only once a week right now. After my first big BU I jogged almost everyday and it was a big help.

 

 

I'd like to add that there are a few things which actually do help me periodically: playing guitar, cooking, and watching comedy shows. Every little bit helps and adds up. Anything to take my mind off of the nagging feeling of looking back at the past and getting caught in that sinkhole.

[turnera]

Another thing that will help you is to have a plan. For something. Anything. Something in which you can see yourself making progress. For instance, go back to school and take one night class a semester. Or take a community course to learn how to cook better. Or join a jogging club and push yourself to get better time. Find something to do that has a goal and an end. Does wonders for the psyche and the self esteem.

[Guitarguy_82]

Yes I am definitely planning on going back to school. I already have my degree but I have always enjoyed learning and am planning to start taking some summer classes...just thinking about what I might take excites me.

 

Also, I got a prescription from my doctor today for some anti-depressants/anti-anxiety meds...ironically enough, I have anxiety about taking them. It's a starting point however and I'm open to options at this point for better ways to deal with myself.

 

I'm really ready for some change!