tomboy Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 This is a question that I'm still asking today because I don't understand why my childhood was taken by such evil. I was sexually abused by several relatives for 12 years or more and physically and emotionally abused by my father. My life today is so very bad because I suffer now with BPD and PTSD. I have been hospitallized so many times after taking overdoses to end the pain. I have never been treated for the abuse issues so therefore I am once again fighting the unpleasant flashbacks that make me want to die. I have reached out for help several times but nothing ever comes of it. It seems that no matter what I do its not right. I have lost my house, car and everything else I owned due to medical bills because of my severe depression. I have but one dream and that is for my precious mom who is terminally ill to see me happy before she dies. I went yesterday to a clinic for counseling because the suicide thoughts are back and they acted very concerned because I was shaking and crying my heart out. They called back today and said it would probablly be March 5th before they could begin my counseling sessions. So what am I suppose to do? It seems that noone cares at all for those who suffer from a mental illness. I have nothing and I dont know where to turn. Why me Lord? What did I do? Ive never done drugs, I've never been in trouble with the law, not even a speeding ticket. I love everyone, I am a caregiver and I believe in you so please, please save me. If someone can help me figure out a way to end my pain of 48 years, I welcome your thoughts. Its really crazy but sometimes I dream of being treated by Dr. Phil. Wishing so badly that I could be placed in a clinic that only dealt with abuse victims. Having no money leaves not much hope. Oh Lord, just get me through another night so that my eyes may open to see the light. Dont' let me give in to another mans sin and fall victim to evil, known as my kin. Link to comment
tomboy Posted February 23, 2012 Author Share Posted February 23, 2012 Thanks for letting me vent. I have no one to talk too and it helps sometimes. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 You will be alright. I know it is hard, but once you start with the counseling sessions you will feel better over time. Do not try to make sense of why this all happened because there is NO sense to it. Just evil deeds of people. Forgive yourself. You are not at fault here. I know it is hard but love and forgive yourself. ( I was sexually abused as child as well) You will be ok. Hugs. Link to comment
tomboy Posted February 23, 2012 Author Share Posted February 23, 2012 You will be alright. I know it is hard, but once you start with the counseling sessions you will feel better over time. Do not try to make sense of why this all happened because there is NO sense to it. Just evil deeds of people. Forgive yourself. You are not at fault here. I know it is hard but love and forgive yourself. ( I was sexually abused as child as well) You will be ok. Hugs. Thank you so very much for your kind words. I am trying so very hard to hold on but the flashbacks are so very hard to take. I feel like a kid all over again. Today will be a challenge and tomorrow may be the same but I will fight with all my might to get through and make a change. It's people like you that make a difference in people like me because you see, we have a desire to reach out to others that's suffered like you and me. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 There are so many like us. We are definitely not alone and while that is very sad it also means we have others to help us on our way. There is so much more help than there used to be and so much more information and acceptance in the right places. I know flashbacks are hard, really I do. Take the step and embrace help and over time you will find more comfort. What helps me too is to reach out to others so they know they are not alone. They do not have to be ashamed or feel lonely or "dirty". That is so not true. Secrets make people sick. Be proud of being a survivor because that IS what you are. Hold your head up. You are a wonderful person. Link to comment
duke nukem Posted February 24, 2012 Share Posted February 24, 2012 If you do need anything or someone to talk to, we're all here. I can't really say anything more than victoria said, but know that even though I don't know you, I still care for your welfare and hope you the best. You can do it. Link to comment
Gracelove Posted February 25, 2012 Share Posted February 25, 2012 You didn't do anything to deserve those things, nothing at all. I don't know what I can say to alleviate your pain. I understand some of your feelings. I understand how horrible depression and PTSD can be. I think you should be proud of yourself for hanging in there. Being a caregiver is extremely difficult and stressful. It's good that you reached out for help. Of course your mother wants to see you happy. What mother wouldn't want to see their child happy. However, I don't know that you can make it go away so quickly. I'm sorry for the losses you've endured as a result of your trauma. Maybe you should focus on the things you're doing that are good. You are taking care of your mother and that's a wonderful thing. I know it's not always easy to focus on the silver lining, especially when you're hurting so much, and you're having a difficult time seeing a future for yourself. You just have to find happiness wherever you can. I think it's good that you believe in God. He will continue to help you. I know how you feel, sometimes it's hard to understand the suffering. However, all you can do is work through it, and help other people in the process. I really feel for you, I understand. Sometimes the pain seems never-ending. It's sad to feel sad for so long. Hang in there and keep doing the best you can. *Hugs* Link to comment
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