How do you get over being verbally abused?

[Conffuusseedd]

A month ago, my absolutely amazing boyfriend of almost a year broke up with me...yea we had our ups and downs but everything was pretty much great.

 

I've been doing a lot of thinking since the breakup, and have come to the realization that I'm not over the guy I dated BEFORE my ex, or at least, not the way I thought I was over him.

 

Yeah, I can honestly say I do not want to be with him anymore, and I have no interest in seeing him or talking to him. But I came to the re-realization (because I had noticed this before) that I am "traumatized" by him and our relationship.

 

I was never cheated on, or hit, but was verbally abused quite a bit. And while my current ex (lets call him ex#1) NEVER verbally abused me, I started to notice that if he did or said anything that remotely resembled anything that ex#2 had ever done or said, I would emotionally shut down. It's like something in me would trigger, and I would remember the time that ex#2 did it...and then I would go through the sequence of events that followed, and I would get scared. I wouldn't get mad or yell, but I would instantly start building my wall again so that ex#1 couldn't "get to me"...my way of thinking..."if this other person who I loved more than anything could do all those horrible things to me, imagine what you can do." And I absolutely refused to let someone hurt me like that again...unfortunately, I think my way of thinking backfired on me quite a bit.

 

Now, I am not sitting here saying that I am to blame for my recent breakup. His reasons for the breakup are that we were in a rough spot that had been lasting almost a month, mostly due to the fact that he was so stressed out and he got to the point where he kind of just quit wanting to try...he felt no desire to put any more effort into us. But let's face it. If I won't allow someone to love me, or for me to let myself love someone again, how will I ever be able to get the type of relationship I want, and most of all, deserve??

 

So my question...how do I get over it? How do I get over the fear of being hurt, and the horrible memories. How does one learn to not fall back on the memories... Ex#1 is someone that I could honestly be with for a long time, and he knows that too...and while I'm not a 100% sure that we will get back together, the possibility is obviously there, once he figures out his issues. But I don't want him to come back to me and I'm still facing my own problems...I know there's no textbook answer to how to get over abuse, but I honestly don't even know where to start.

 

Any advice would be great.

[AwsomeDude]

sweet i think theres a good says in arabic that applies to your case !

every glass just leacks of what in side it !

in other words so u can understand what i mean ! what he said is just refelects what is in side him and give u an inner picture for him!

 

from the other side it could mean that he loves you coz we all know that if someone just cant be a friend after a breakin up it just tells that he is not over you yet !

cheers

[mahlina]

Verbal abuse is something that's really hard to deal with. Once you're verbally abused, it's as if those little lines and memories are forever burned into your memory. That's why you feel this tremendous amount of fear.

 

My best advice: Stay away from people who are like that, people who make it a point to put you down, and make snide remarks towards you. Basically, anyone who will say anything to make you feel beliittled, demeaned, or inferior. Do not tolerate with anyone like that. If they talk trash to you, talk back. Then leave it at that. Do not let the ex's words get to you. In general, those who put others down, do so because they feel inferior among themselves. It's something that's in their nature that's innate, and a part of their personality. I for one, will never understand people like that. Often, they live with a lot of ego, anger, and always want to feel the need to 'dominate.'

 

Forget about people like them. Focus on you now. The little pieces of what you do have that's left within yourself, gather those broken pieices together. You know what? Even though they've shattered you mentally and emotionally, you still have those pieces to pick up, and put together again. It's my analogy of a broken plate. Even though you repiece that broken plate, the cracks which represent your scars, will always be there. But no matter what, as long as you gather yourself together again, and build back from square one: your mind, then nothing else, and no one else will can bring you down emotionally or mentally. Just look at people like that as scum. They're pathetic and aren't worth your time.

 

I read this in a book one time, there are people who are toxic people in our lives. They are the people who make us feel bad for some reason. There's no way of avoiding them. But to me, there is always a way of keeping your distance from them. We don't need selfish people who are out there to make everyone's lives miserable. It's because they feel miserable among themselves. That's why they feel the need to make everyone else miserable. Don't let them drag you down along their path.

 

Focus on what makes you happy. Healing will be a tough time. There are no shortcuts to regaining your happiness. It won't happen over night. Recovering from heartache, in this case, requires time and a ton of patience. Every little step that you take to improve your life counts. Just think of it as you're the patient who's laying in bed in the hopsital. You feel weak and fragile. You are your own 'nurse'. You must nourish yourself. Please find every way to comfort yourself, and 'enjoy' your own life again. That's most important. It will help you to heal. Focus on your mind, body and spirit. Replenish yourself. Things will eventually work out from there. Hang in there, and remember to 'be strong.' Take care & best of luck to you. You can do it!! Mahlina

[XTiNUH]

just know, that those two ex's are not the same. ex#1 sounds alot more caring and more mature than ex#2. i was in the same position as you.. my ex-ex verbally abused me a few times. i would just take in the insult, and not say a word back, letting him get to me. when my ex cursed, (he didn't curse at me, he was just frustrated) i got that same feeling from my ex-ex. i realized then, that they're character, the type of person that they were was ALOT different. my ex was alot more gentle, more understanding, more mature, more calm than my ex-ex. i'm sure that ex#2's intentions weren't to hurt you, while ex#1 intention was. in my opinion, when you realize the character of whichever ex, you'll begin to change.