Is it my own jealousy or something legitimate?

[nhisname2002]

My wife and I are 50, both on our 2nd marriages and have been together 15 years, sometimes tumultuously, but still together. We each have grown children from our prior marriages, none together.

 

We're both aware for the most part of our past relationships and are both okay with each others pasts.

 

There is one thing that has been on my mind lately. I'm not sure if it's just insecurity, jealousy, both or something that deserves a 2nd look and should be addressed.

 

Of all of my wife's past relationships, the only one she really seems to have unresolved is her HS relationship of 2 or 3 years. Obviously this is 30+ years ago, however my wife during her first marriage 20 years ago, attempted to restart the HS romance only to be rebuffed by the man's wife. My wife considered that an eye opener for her and the best thing that happened (the verbal beatdown). My wife had numerous broken relationships after high school and between marriages. My wife has avoided her high school reunions because she is afraid of becoming so flustered.

However, there is a lingering impression that my wife leaves often and frequently with me in comments, etc., that return to that period of her life and her HS sweetheart. So much so, that I feel I need to talk to her about it. She has recently reconnected with some of her old girlfriends from highschool through facebook, who I've met and are nice, so there is a good chance that this will lead to her seeing the HS flame. I never considered this to be a big deal to be honest, we all have first loves and it can be endearing. However, there are also others that have not been able to move on. The world if full of stories of people that reconnect with HS loves after dozens of years. I'm not paranoid, it's just a fact. I'm confident that there has been no contact and even if she were to run into him, again I'm normally okay with that.

 

I gave this a lot of reflection as to whether it was just insecurity. However, like I said, we have had a rough go at times in our relationship and early on, her hs relationship was used in the conversation in the context of causing hurt to me.

 

At this point in our marriage, I'm justifying in my head that I should talk to her about this because of a concern that I have she may not have properly resolved the issue many years ago. There is 'resolved' and then there is 'I've resolved to accept the circumstance'. Most people think back of HS relationships with a quick glance and an 'oh that'. She isn't there. I have no control over her feelings on the matter and I just feel sad, this has been a weight on our relationship. I have no anger towards her.

 

Any thoughts?

[paxkramer]

Hmm. How is your marriage today? Overall. Happy?

[nhisname2002]

Overall, yes I would say I was happy.

[Raaawr]

My wife and I are 50, both on our 2nd marriages and have been together 15 years, sometimes tumultuously, but still together. We each have grown children from our prior marriages, none together.

15 years is a long time. Your relationship is probably stronger than you realise.

 

We're both aware for the most part of our past relationships and are both okay with each others pasts.

Good.

 

There is one thing that has been on my mind lately. I'm not sure if it's just insecurity, jealousy, both or something that deserves a 2nd look and should be addressed.

If its bothering you, you should always talk it out, its just how you approach it is the key.

 

Of all of my wife's past relationships, the only one she really seems to have unresolved is her HS relationship of 2 or 3 years. Obviously this is 30+ years ago, however my wife during her first marriage 20 years ago, attempted to restart the HS romance only to be rebuffed by the man's wife. My wife considered that an eye opener for her and the best thing that happened (the verbal beatdown). My wife had numerous broken relationships after high school and between marriages. My wife has avoided her high school reunions because she is afraid of becoming so flustered.

30+ years ago is a very long time. I dont mean to insult anyones age or anything but that was a long time ago. Where her world was different, everything was infront of her and so little behind her. Anything back then will be looked at with a sense of longing and romanticised. He was a part of her youth so I can understand some longing there. However, if she is avoiding reunions because she doesnt want to see this one guy, well that is a bit weird.

 

However, there is a lingering impression that my wife leaves often and frequently with me in comments, etc., that return to that period of her life and her HS sweetheart.

Again, she was younger then. I am 24 and I still talk about days when I was 16 and 17 with my first girlfriend. I know its not the same as 30 years but things were easier then and yeah there is some longing for that time again.

 

So much so, that I feel I need to talk to her about it.

Then do, but dont approach it as a jealous husband.

 

She has recently reconnected with some of her old girlfriends from highschool through facebook, who I've met and are nice, so there is a good chance that this will lead to her seeing the HS flame. I never considered this to be a big deal to be honest, we all have first loves and it can be endearing.

Its possible but he could be nothing like he was 30 years ago.

 

However, there are also others that have not been able to move on. The world if full of stories of people that reconnect with HS loves after dozens of years. I'm not paranoid, it's just a fact. I'm confident that there has been no contact and even if she were to run into him, again I'm normally okay with that.

Im not so sure it is a case of her not moving on. She has been with you for 15 years! Thats a long time. Think of how many opportunities that is for her to have chased this guy. But as you said she hasnt. She has chosen to be with you for 15 years. I really think it is just the time period she misses, the youth and the excitement and he is just a part of that period so naturally he comes up.

 

I gave this a lot of reflection as to whether it was just insecurity. However, like I said, we have had a rough go at times in our relationship and early on, her hs relationship was used in the conversation in the context of causing hurt to me.

If she is using him as a weapon then there may be something there, but at the same time, it could just be the him of 30 years ago and not the him of today. Its a tricky one but I think insecurity is a large part of it and to be honest I think thats amazing (in a good way) that you are still insecure about her and jealous, it shows there is still some passion in your relationship.

 

At this point in our marriage, I'm justifying in my head that I should talk to her about this because of a concern that I have she may not have properly resolved the issue many years ago.

Cant hurt, so long as you approach it properly.

 

There is 'resolved' and then there is 'I've resolved to accept the circumstance'. Most people think back of HS relationships with a quick glance and an 'oh that'. She isn't there.

Dunno, although mine was a lot more recent I still look back on my first relationship and think had we met 10 years later we probably would have married and Ill never forget her and she will probably come up in my conversations for the rest of my life. However that same girl did show up at my door 3 years ago and I asked her to kindly get out of my face.

 

I have no control over her feelings on the matter and I just feel sad, this has been a weight on our relationship. I have no anger towards her.

Just make sure you dont let anger in when you talk to her, no matter what her answer is appearing angry or jealous will do you no good.

[nhisname2002]

Thanks, you're wise for your age. As a younger man I wouldn't be as introspective about this particular item and would likely show anger/jealousy/insecurity and a bunch of other emotions. Which is why I've been waiting as long as I have to talk about it. I originally had told myself that I would discuss this with her the 'next time it came up' but that might not be a good idea because my emotions might get in the way. So, I thought about it until this point thinking I would resolve in my own head, but that hasn't happened and I guess I need to get it on the table.

 

I'm just caught as to whether it actually needs attention or not.

[Raaawr]

Thanks, you're wise for your age. As a younger man I wouldn't be as introspective about this particular item and would likely show anger/jealousy/insecurity and a bunch of other emotions. Which is why I've been waiting as long as I have to talk about it. I originally had told myself that I would discuss this with her the 'next time it came up' but that might not be a good idea because my emotions might get in the way. So, I thought about it until this point thinking I would resolve in my own head, but that hasn't happened and I guess I need to get it on the table.

 

I'm just caught as to whether it actually needs attention or not.

 

Its bothered you enough to log onto a forum and make a big long post about it so if it was me I would give it attention, purely to get it out of my head and peace of mind. So long as you approach it in a compassionate, concerned and inquisitive way I cant see how she can react badly. If she does, well you might have your answer.

[nhisname2002]

Its bothered you enough to log onto a forum and make a big long post about it so if it was me I would give it attention, purely to get it out of my head and peace of mind. So long as you approach it in a compassionate, concerned and inquisitive way I cant see how she can react badly. If she does, well you might have your answer.

 

Good point.