Broke the NC rule after 2 mths...even more lost now...help!

[bumshkin]

Well, after having sent him roses after not seeing him or speaking to him for a month I received an e-mail from him telling me that he just wanted me to leave him alone, that I ruined his life and enriched it but he's not sure which parts...and that he still goes through alot of pain. HE said he didnt want anymore surprises from me, no more letters, nothing. That was 2 months ago. So I left him alone. I didn't call him , I didn't e-mail him, nothing. Until a week ago...

 

I called his house, but he wasn't home, and left a message with his uncle that I would call back later, only my intention was to just forget about it and not call him back. A few hours later, he called me and asked why I had called. So I told him it had been a long time since we spoke and I was thinking about him and wanted to know how things had been with him. He said things were really good. I asked him how his summer had been and he said it was amazing, one of the best summers he'd ever had. Naturally in the back of my mind I was wondering if it had anything to do with the fact that we weren't together anymore. I didn't say anything but I asked him if he wanted to get together sometime for coffee. And he asked me "are you sure your boyfriend wont mind". I dont have one, but he didn't know that, so I turned the question around and asked him "Well, will your girlfriend mind?" I sensed a little bit of sarcasm in his voice when he respoded, he said "well, she minds when i hang out with other girls". I'm not too sure what to make of it. So then he said, maybe we'll bump into each other at school or something.." and we exchanged schedules, but we're never on campus at the same time, so I said "well when would be a good time?" and he said "i'm sure we'll see each other at school, and if we do we can go for coffee" then he asked if I spoke to his mom when I called earlier. I told him no, i hadn't talked to anyone since we broke up 6 months ago and then he said, "well dont be calling my house in the future" and i asked why and then he said "well it's bad politics"...

 

I'm so confused...I dont know what he means by bad politics. and how is it that just two months ago he told me that he was going through so much pain because of me (when infact he was the one who left me) and blamed me for everything that happened between us...and he's still acting like he doesnt want to have anything to do with me?

 

Will it ever change? Will he ever stop being so selfish and show some compassion again for me, even if just as a friend? We were together on and off for 2 years...and we have been apart now for over 6 months. I just want him to stop treating me like the enemy...I dont know what to do...

 

Anyone's insight would be so much appreciated....

 

~Bumshkin

[Hoss]

Bumshkin, I completely understand your pain. You need to move on, this is not healthy for you. He does not treat you with respect and you deserve to be treated that way, we all do. The reason he is still treating you like the enemy, is because you let him. I am not judging at all because I just was dumped from a relationship where I did the same thing that you did.

 

The whole bad politics thing might refer to his relationhsip with his parents. Did his parents like you alot? If the did, they might be asking him questions on why you are not around anymore and telling him that he screwed up. That is just a guess.

 

I know it hurts, but I can promise you that the pain will go away. We all deserve to be treated with love, honesty, and respect. There is someone out there that will fullfill you wants. Good luck.

[bumshkin]

Hoss, thanks so much for the advice and support. It means alot to me to know that I am not alone in this. But somehow, when it comes to my ex I feel like things can change. His parents loved me like I was one of their own. I think it made him a bit jealous.

 

I had a really good relationship with his mom and his younger sister. When he broke up with me I knew it would be wrong of me to keep in contact with his family, and at the time we broke up he also told me that since the relationship was over I was not allowed to keep in contact with anyone in his family. I kinda broke that rule a few months later and called his sister to wish her a happy birthday. As soon as his mom knew it was me on the phone she wanted to talk to me too. She was really happy to hear from me and she said she missed me alot. She told me how my ex wasn't as close to her as he used to be, like when we were together he was so affectionate with her. But she says now he's never even home and she hardly gets to see him anymore. And we kinda joked a bit about how he would be mad if he found out I spoke to her so she promised she wouldn't tell him that we talked.

 

 

I don't think my ex really appreciated the roses, I guess because he was still mad at me, hence the nasty e-mail I got. I guess in a way it was kinda hearltess for him to say those things in an e-mail instead of telling me how he really felt when he called to thank me for them.

 

I have other posts explaining my situation from the very beginning. If you want you can read them. They're kinda long but it might put things more into context.

 

Anyways, I dunno, I guess our entire relationship was unbalanced, but I really loved him with all I had and made sure that I showed it every opportunity that I had. I think he took advantage of that. Then again, I feel like I have lost something really precious to me too, even after this long, even though I know that he could have treated me a lot better. It was both of our faults that things turned out the way they did, but he makes me feel like I am the one who ruined his life. I can't seem to escape that feeling. More than anything, I wish our paths could cross again because I want to work out our issues. And I know if I could somehow convince him to work things out we could be amazing together.

Things would definitely be alot different but I think we would both be more mature about certain things that we weren't in the beginning.

 

It's like when we were together and on the same wavelength, nothing could separate us and we were so in love with each other, he treated me like his queen, and I his king. But when things were bad, it was a living nightmare for the both of us, we both made each other miserable, unintentionally, but sometimes even on purpose.

 

Then again, I met someone else about 1.5 months ago and I want to explore my options with the new guy but I am so affraid that the feelings I still have for my ex might ruin whatever potential there is. Mostly, I just hope that I don't let love pass me by just because I'm affraid to let go of the past. It's like I want to move on but at the same time I don't nor do I even know where to begin even after this long. It has been 7 months and I still think about him everyday. I even miss him, eventhough I know deep down I probably deserve better.

 

What happened with your relationship? If you don't mind me asking.

 

~Bumshkin

[savannahohsavannah]

When your ex said it was bad politics for you to call his home did it ever occur to you that he DOES have a new girlfriend and he wants her to bond to his family? I would take what he said at face value: he does not want a relationship with you. Ouch, I know that hurts but there it is, he's pretty much said it straight up. You think that is an awful thing to hear, but every one of us who have ever dated must have heard it at some point in time. I don't know exactly what your life situation is, but most 21 year olds are finishing college, and getting ready to go out in the work world or on to grad school. If it were me I'd start going out on dates just for datings sake. Get out, be seen and mingle. You don't want to have ANYONE thinking that it's gotten to you. And if you see him out? Well, fine, then say hello but act as if you don't care. Lots of guys like to head trip girls and it sounds like he may be one of them, but don't act like it gets to you. And in fact, Don't let him get to you. Breakups in dating typically blow and you just have to get over the fact that you will have them and you hurt for a while.