Ex GF broke up with me 1 1/2 months ago, was doing ok but had recent setback

[ProSkater12]

Hey guys, my ex girlfriend broke up with me about a month and a half ago. We'd been together for 5 years, and all in all I thought we were pretty solid (though we had some bumps). First Ill give some background, then explain everything.

 

We started dating in highschool, although we didn't attend the same school. I was 17, and she was 16, turning 17 in about a month. We got along great, hung out a lot, and would spend weekends at each other's house. After her 17th birthday she got he first car, and we started to see each other a lot more and became really close. 2 years into our relationship her parents had finally settled their divorce, and they sold their house. Her and her older brother moved into an apartment together( her dad payed for it because they were kinda forced into that situation), and I stayed with her there a lot. We pretty much spent every night together. Around this time we also stopped hanging with our respective friends (I got fed up with my friends being unreliable with keeping plans, and her friends either went off to school or started to party all the time, which she didn't want to do.) So we became even more close during that time, which was probably also because her brother started to be nasty to everyone, (especially my ex as she had to see him everyday) and I helped her deal with that. After a year, she didn't want to live with her brother anymore so she got her own apartment(her dad still pays the majority of the rent for her.) And for the next two years we pretty much lived together, as I stayed with her all the time.

 

Tings started to go sour a little a couple months before the breakup. She started hanging out with her old best friend again, and they would go out drinking. We pretty much ended getting in some arguments over it,(I wasn't being controlling, though I'll admit seeing her less was a change I had to get used to.) I was honestly happy for her, as she got to go out and have other friends besides me. I'm not gonna lie I was a little irked that she was gong out to clubs and drinking, but I trusted her and got over it. She did end up falling asleep and staying out at her friends house a couple times, and we got into arguments over that as I'd be sitting at her apartment calling her and she wouldn't pick up (I'd be worrying that she'd gotten into a drunken accident.) Another issue that we had was she would always be on her phone texting when we would be together, but would act like she couldn't text me when she was with friends.I wouldn't want to have conversations, just check up and make sure she's safe (as she was often pretty drunk when she would come home).

 

The day of the breakup, we got into small argument. She was going out with her friends to celebrate her friends birthday, but had never told me she was gong to Philly (we live in NJ) and that she would be staying out until the last minute. I honestly didn't care much, I was just irked that she failed to tell me she was going to be staying out at her friends place until last minute( when she made these plans weeks in advance). Then she came out and said we should break up. She cited her reasons as being that wasn't ready for such a serious relationship, she needed to find self and be her own person, and that she didn't want to miss out on her life. So we broke up, hugged and cried for a few hours, then I gathered my stuff and went home. She was adamant that we remain friends, saying I'm a good person and she didn't want me out of her life.I told her I didn't know if I could. So i was very heartbroken, not only from losing her but also the change of lifestyle. Now I was back home with my family again when I hadn't stayed here more than a day at a time for the past two years at least.

 

So feeling pretty down and missing her like crazy, I told her I'd like to try being friends. A couple days later we hung out, which was a little weird and hard for me, as she was right there in front of my face but wasn't my girlfriend anymore. We kept things platonic though, and after I felt a little better about everything. The next day she was leaving to go on a small trip to Boston for the weekend to visit her friend who was away at school. When she got there she texted me saying that she made it okay. I didn't plan on responding to her, but then she sent me a text pleading with me to text her back as she felt weird being so far away from home. I decided to be a good guy and text her back, comforting and encouraging her to have fun on her mini vacation. She thanked me and told me I'm still very important to her and that she had a good time hanging out the day before.

 

So we've talked an hung out since then, but most of the time i have to initiate contact, and when I do text her she often is short and kind of distant with me. We probably hang out once a week, for a few hours, and I only talk to her like once or twice a week. For the most part she seems short and distant when we do talk, with bothers me a bit because I'll see her on Facebook chatting happily with some of her new guy friends. Though communication is bad after most breakups, i do feel that this has helped me get over her somewhat because she's changed a lot from the girl I was in love with. Hearing about all her drinking and clubbing adventures has helped me take her off of the pedestal, and I feel if i had gone NC from the beginning she would still be on it. I'd be remembering her for who she was and not the person she has become. So hanging with her has pushed me along in the healing process, but I still get hung up over some things.

 

One of the things that still affects me is the breakup itself and the way she's treated me since. I feel like I've been there for her and supported her so much through some tough times in her life. Back in March her mom passed, and I was there with her when we found her, and through every step of the grieving process. And back when she was living with her brother, I was the only one there for her when her family pretty much was taking his side and making excuses for the way he was acting. I used to give her hour long (and sometimes longer) massages all the time. After her breaking up with me I still went out of my way to comfort her when she was in Boston, and still gave her long massages when she was stressed with school or aching from working out. After all that I just feel like I'm still her lowest priority, even lower then friends she just made after we broke up.

 

I just don't know what to do now and what would be best for my healing. I still love her a lot so I don't know if I could actually resist talking to her if I went NC, especially if she initiates contact. I do want her back, but at the same time I know she isn't the girl I was in love with, and I do have a lot of anger over both the breakup and how she's been treating me since. With no car and not really wanting to hang with my friends I'm not really in a position to go out and have fun and forget about her.

 

Also, I think she started seeing someone else. They've been hanging out recently and flirting on facebook and seeing that set me back a bit. Sorry for the long post, just needed to let out some steam and tried to paint a vivid picture for you guys. Thanks in advance!

[sunofice]

dude, get over her, and block her from fb, go no contact. If you don't want to block, close fb. Trust me its the best thing for you. move on.

[ewr]

You have a choice, resist talking to her, or continue your pain and confusion until you eventually get so broken/sick of the pain/confusion and resist talking to her then. It's really a "now or later" choice, start getting over her/healing now? or put yourself through more heartache for a few weeks/months/years, then have to do it anyways. You say you went out of your way and give her massages blah blah...but you feel like her lowest priority...it's good you recognize the problem there. You know the saying "never make someone your priority if your just an option to them"...this is what you have done. If you look back overall, by doing what ENA'ers ALWAYS advise against..(being her emotional crutch), you effectively helped her wean herself off of you slowly and helped her through the breakup...now she is flirty with another person and you will be an even lower priority. Don't take what I just said and get all "oh great I screwed it up it's all my fault" on me...that's NOT what I'm telling you at all...just take this as a lesson learned for the next BU (if there is one).....go NC and heal.

[ProSkater12]

Hey thanks for the replies guys. Yeah I mean I felt like crap earlier when i posted, but I'm over it. Lesson learned. I see that I was just picking up breadcrumbs. Thanks for telling it to me straight. Just gotta ignore her and go NC

[BrianH46]

I feel ya man, I'm sorry you're going through all of this.

[Lansing]

Hey thanks for the replies guys. Yeah I mean I felt like crap earlier when i posted, but I'm over it. Lesson learned. I see that I was just picking up breadcrumbs. Thanks for telling it to me straight. Just gotta ignore her and go NC

 

That is good to hear. If you need any support for NC just come back here.

[ProSkater12]

Thanks again for the support.. Deleted her off of facebook and I think that was integral to me moving on.. Saw a pic of her hanging with the new guy right after and that was all it took for me to make that final push. I had unsubscribed her from my news feed but that didn't do much good as I kept checking her profile, and made sure to block the profile of the new guy(it was open to the public) to stop myself from checking that too. Feels good now I feel like I can move on. It still hurts to think about how much she's changed and that she treated me like that, but I realize that I was only causing myself more pain. After everything she really doesn't deserve to have me as a friend and if she didn't have plans to act like one she shouldn't have pushed for it. I do have a ton of anger and wish I could just tell her off, but I'm just done with it all. Thanks again guys, it really did help to write and get things off my chest, and your comments helped me take that final push I needed to continue this healing process. Now I only wish I hadn't been weak and went NC sooner...

[Injured Lion]

Please block her on Facebook or either delete her as a friend on it. Looking at her pictures, reading her statuses, and reading her conversations with her guy friends will only hurt you. You don't deserve the pain, so don't let yourself continue on with this. The breakup must have shattered you, but seeing her Facebook and seeing all the flirting going on her page can also be the hammer that shatters your heart into more and more millions of pieces. She broke your heart, but you shouldn't let yourself breaking your heart even more. What you need to do is MENDING it!! Please, you don't deserve pain. Delete her and start picking yourself up!

 

Let all your emotions out, don't let them pile up inside. If you want to cry, then cry. If you want to yell, then yell. If you want to call up a friend, then don't be afraid to ask them for help. Friends will do wonders for you. Don't take them for granted!

 

I'm sure you fought the good fight to keep the relationship from ending. Now it is time to work on yourself. Try new things, do things that you enjoy, hang out with family and friends, etc. Try to get out of the house. Work on yourself, and that it is ok to be alone. Very few times in life are you actually blessed with the opportunity to work on yourself.

[ProSkater12]

Don't worry I've already deleted her. Actually did it last night right after seeing her tagged in a pic with the new guy she's been talking to. I had pangs of jealousy and hurt, but most of all I just felt anger towards her. Anger towards the fact that she's obviously been putting much more effort towards her friendship towards this guy than her friendship with me. Before I made the original post, I had texted her about hanging out, but she didn't respond right away, and that's when I posted here and made my decision to go NC. She ended up texting me back later that day, but I just ignored it. Then I saw the pic on Facebook last night, and just decided to delete her, as seeing things like that and seeing them talking all the time wasn't doing anything good for me. She ended up texting me last night asking why I ignored her, and I told her that I'm last on her list of priorities. She told me that I'm not and she does want to hang out sometime, then said she was going to sleep. I ended up sending her a somewhat long text explaining that her actions speak louder than words, and that she never initiates contact or asks me to hang out. Whenever we did hang out since the breakup, its been me who has initiated it. I told her pretty much that I'm tired of it, and I'm not going to entertain this pseudo-friendship any longer, especially since it was her that wanted to remain friends. I'll admit I agreed to it out of weakness, but now I realize she's fed me bunch of breadcrumbs at the time of the breakup ("let's be friends, we will still be close, we'll cuddle and talk, you can stay over sometimes, don't you want to see the cat?") Yet our relationship doesn't resemble this at all. I only see her like once a week, and that's only like 2 hrs at a time.

 

I pretty much told her that she didn't put near as much effort as she likes to think she probably has, and that I was tired of it. I told her maybe in the future we can be friends, but she pretty much blew it. Her not spending much time talking with me or seeing me was one thing, but to see that she's been making much more effort with someone else was the last straw. Being friends after the breakup was a privilege for both of us, but more so for her, as she was the dumper. She messed up by taking that privilege for granted. Idk if she's going to respond when she wakes up and reads it, but at this point, nothing she can say is going to change my mind. Most likely she'll just say something selfish, which will only reinforce that I did the right thing.

 

I had accepted the breakup. Was I over it? Not at all. But I accepted that her feelings had changed, and that she wanted something else out of her life at the moment. But I can't accept the way she's treated me since, especially since I went out of my way to still do things for her. Now she finally has to live with the consequences of her actions, and that's a life without me in it. She was lucky to have me as a friend after the breakup, but she took it for granted and abused the privilege I gave her. She had me when I was hurt and feeling weak, but now she's just made me angry, and that was what I needed to be able to go NC.

 

Honestly, I think her behavior since the breakup has helped in this healing process, as weird as it may sound. If I had went NC from the beginning, I could see myself still hurting pretty bad from losing her. Now with the drinking, clubbing, partying and with the way she's treated me since the breakup, I almost hate who she's become. I honestly thought that seeing her in pics with someone would hurt a lot more, and even though it did make me feel bad I quickly got over it. I almost feel like I'm breaking up with her now, LOL.