cheating

[nanann]

has anyone ever cheated and found that it helped their relationship?

[wdhhmsm]

My boyfriend of 6 years just cheated on me. I was heartbroken, still am. Now it is rocky. It didn't help. I want to try to make it work, but I don't know if it is possible. I think about it all the time, I still cry about it and it has been a month and a half.

[Luirius]

My boyfriend cheated on me a few months ago, and after I found out and decided to end it he was really devasted. Since his friends had promoted his actions (one of his friend was trying to get us to break up so he could make a move) he decided he would be better off without them. He said he realized how horrid he was being and not realizing what is good for himself. Since then he has been a lot better actually. I would say that his actions helped.

 

Yet there is always a feeling of sadness I keep knowing what he did. Sometimes I just think no one can be in a relationship without making that fault.

[Vert]

Cheating is never healthy for a relationship, and I see no circumstances where it would be. If a partner cheats while in a relationship, chances are they will do it again. Personally I could not stay with a girl that I knew had cheated on me because it would always be in the back of my mind that she might do it again. It is just a personal thing, obviously, but I couldn't go that route. I know I could forgive my partner, but it would take a lot of reassurance and committment to make me believe she wouldn't do it again.

[nanann]

can anyone say they left a current relationship for one they thought would be better and actually did find that the grass was greener on the other side?

[avman]

Many of us answered you in your other post. But this sounds like you are telling us what you want to hear.

 

I don't think what you are planning to do is a good idea. Not for you. And certainly not for your kids.

[nanann]

you have totally convinced me not to cheat physically but the emotional cheating has already been done and cannot be undone whether he is in my life or not. i thank you all for every word you wrote. I will remember your words everytime i have doubts and i can assure you i won't even see him to make sure nothing happens. I'm just afraid that ending my relationship with him will be bad. What if he is my "soul mate"? What if my kids would be better off if i was with someone who makes me happy and understands me ?

[wdhhmsm]

did u come from a family whose parents stayed together, or are they divorced?

[avman]

Well that is something you'll need to decide. But you should decide on either your husband, or this man. You cannot have both. And if I remember correctly, this other man is also married so both of you would have to leave your spouses. That is a very unlikely outcome.

 

Figure out what it is in this man that fulfills your needs. And then try to get that with your husband. Go to some counseling. Figure it out. I mean if you are desperately unhappy and there is no hope of salvaging the marriage then you should divorce. But that is not a painless event and there will be fallout for everyone involved.

 

Choose wisely. Think everything through very carefully.

[nanann]

you know what? i'm not even THAT unhappy. i think i'm just being greedy and selfish and obviously, too much of a romantic. Maybe true love doesn't even exist. To answer the previous person's question, my parents are divorced, my mom has been married three times, my father cheated, my husband's parents are divorced and his father cheated. The main problem in my marriage is my husband's drinking. My father was an alcoholic and i vowed to never be with one again. he isn't as bad but he HAS TO have his 7 or 8 beers every friday and saturday and will not skip them no matter what, whether i ask him to or not. I'm afraid he will become like my father and he says that is unreasonable. this other man is 10 years older than i am and maybe he is a "father figure" for me and i just thin i love him. I'm very confused. My husband would never want to go for counselling by the way.

[avman]

My husband would never want to go for counselling by the way.

 

Is this an assumption you are making? Or have you actually asked? Many times a partner will change their mind when they realize how serious the situation is. Thats usually a conversation like "We really need to go to counseling to sort out our issues or I'm thinking of filing for divorce". That usually is a wake up call.

 

The drinking is something you need to address with him. You've pointed to a serious problem that causes you unhappiness. And its a legitimate problem. He needs treatment. For you, I'd suggest heading over to Al-Anon to talk with other people who have alcoholic family members. You may find a lot of support and good ideas from people in very similar circumstances.

 

If you aren't that unhappy, then you are playing a dangerous game of Russian Roulette with your guy on the side. Don't play if you aren't ready to accept that sooner or later there will be a bullet in the chamber when you pull the trigger.

[moleculo]

The only advantage I've seen is that it gets things that have been unspoken out on the table, but you have a responsibility to come out and admit what your feeling before you do something rash.

[shes2smart]

can anyone say they left a current relationship for one they thought would be better and actually did find that the grass was greener on the other side?

 

Well, you know what they say...the grass is greener on the other side, but there's still poop in the yard.

[Mun]

I didn't read your other thread but I'm going to share what happened to a friend of mine:

 

His wife was cheating on him with a married man. She asked my friend to move out ( and get a divorce) because she planned on moving in her new friend---who was also married. She was sure he would be everything she wanted-- he was a bit older and more successful than her husband. Once her husband ( my friend) had moved out.. well this other man decided to tell his wife about the affair. He and his wife worked things out, reconcilled and my friend's wife was out in the cold. She now had no husband, no boyfriend and everyone found out about her cheating.

 

I just want you to be aware that sometimes what we think will happen WON'T.

 

If you are truly unhappy then get a divorce but do it for yourself and for your future-- don't do it because you have someone waiting in the wings.

 

I know this is going to sound bad but I don't care. If your husband is a good man and he provides well for his family, loves you and he is with you through thick and thin AND his drinking does not affect other aspects of your life.. can't he have a few beers on Friday night? Sure it is not good for his health.. maybe he should just cut back a bit ? Now if he is drinking and being abusive, irresponsible and difficult to live with.. then definitely find him some help.

[nanann]

thanks muneca. you have been very helpful. deep down, i know what you say is true but keep thinking "what if?". You only live once you know and it feels so much like he is the one for me. Also, it's easy to believe what you want to hear. You have told me what i don't want to hear but it's what i SHOULD be listening to. Thanks so much. What you said about my husband is also true. He is not abusive and does not hurt anyone with his drinking except that i'm afraid it will get worse as time goes by.

[sparklegirl]

has anyone ever cheated and found that it helped their relationship?

 

cheating is absolutely not a healthy choice if you're trying to improve your relationship. if the love is lost try to rekindle it by doing things together, sharing thoughts. Take a mini vacation just the two of you. Anything but not cheating.