How to heal and work with the ex

[unknownfuture]

Hi, I'm back in work after 2.5 weeks off for the holidays.

 

I was doing ok during my break, my ex and I work on the same floor all open plan. We've had a chat about Christmas and everything was friendly. Inside my heart it beating so fast and I just want break down.

 

I feel so sad today, I wanted to start this thread to help heal while working with the ex.

 

How do you heal when you work with the ex? Stories and advice wanted...

[peteperch]

Hi Unknown Future - hope you're ok - yes working with an ex can be torture and very very difficult - i'm a full 2 years to the day today post BU and like you I heal over Xmas then have to come back in to this rejection - please see my story if not for the content and background but the superb advice I have received from people here - it's really helped me deal with the situation which has been far from easy...hope it helps you to get through this

 

 

[peteperch]

Good advice Bunghole but sometimes it's not straight forward - an office affair or one night stand I totally agree with you - but love as we all know on here can take the rule book and wang it out the window .........

[Penseur]

Peteperch, I read your thread. May I inquire as to your progress to this day? Do you still work with your ex, and are you healing (even if slowly)?

[Tom1990]

Peteperch, that was just what I needed to read. I'm about a hair's-breadth away from pouring my heart out to my ex right now. We're about a month broken up, after a 3-4 month relationship. I don't know how she's doing, but I'm pretty miserable. And we're about to start up after-work board game nights soon. Breadcrumbs are scattered regularly, on both sides.

 

I wish I never dated her, because that's a year-long friendship that's on shaky ground right now. That said, I'm glad we broke up now, rather than a year from now!

 

My process has been mostly NC. She's taken to doing that to me too, but occasionally she will instigate a brief conversation over IMs. I sometimes do too, later in the day. Other than that, I put on headphones and blast music whenever I can. Lots of avoiding each other whenever possible. Harsh stuff. I feel like there has to be a better way.

[rapunzel]

How do you heal with you work with an ex? Everyone is different. For me, it wasn't/isn't easy and I still feel like I'm healing (I don't like to admit that). We work together part time as musicians. I have a female musician colleague who had a year long relationship with her pianist, and he ended things. She was really upset for about a month or two and now they are friends and still work/perform together, a LOT. She is fine, and is pretty much over it. She is much younger than I am and has a very solid sense of her self and self worth, so perhaps that explains how she was able to get over it so quickly.

 

The best way to get over an ex is No Contact, there is no doubt in my mind about that. So when you are forced to see your ex through work or a shared avocation (music, in my case) healing may be a protracted process. I think if you did not pour out your feelings to your ex upon break up, it is not a good idea to do it weeks or month later.....because your ex had already started moving on PRIOR to ending the relationship. Usually such outpourings of grief or longing fall on deaf ears and just make you look pathetic to the ex.

 

You really have only one choice, in my opinion, when you work with an ex. Force yourself to smile, be friendly and carry on like nothing happened. Be light, breezy, and unaffected when you are around your ex. You do not need to initiate contact with the ex but if the ex contacts you, respond in a friendly way but keep it brief. You don't have to let the ex know anything about you or your life, or how you are doing. You don't have to be honest. It's OK to avoid the person at work and not initiate contact but I think ignoring is a bad idea, e.g. if you pass the ex in the hall, you should acknowledge his or her presence and smile (even a little smile) if you can. If you need to pour out your feelings, do it to friends and here on ENA but when you are around the ex, "Fake it till you make it". Another motto I like is "never let 'em see you sweat". Eventually you *will* make it and get over the person.

 

As far as attending after work activities with your ex, e.g. board games, I think it is wise to avoid those for a while and make other plans or try to find another group of friends to hang out with. You are not required to socialize with your ex, just because you work with him or her. Don't worry about explaining yourself for not attending, just don't go. From my experience, you end up going into overanalysis and worrying about things you said and did at the event, so it is best to just avoid these gatherings.

[Aqua066]

Working with an ex is absolute torture! There is no other way to say it. I've never taken so long to heal from a relationship in my life (broken up since March 2011) and its because I have to work with my ex, see her every damn day and have been dumb enough to think the breadcrumbs she has given me throughout the last several months have meant anything.

 

It seems because she does see me everyday when things go bad with her boyfriend (she started dating this rich guy soon after we broke up for good) she comes around to me at work or will message me. Every time this has happened it never works out. She ends up going back to him and I'm left picking up the pieces again... And each time it feels worse then the time before. I'm done with that.

 

I've actually blocked her number so she can't reach out to me anymore. I'm doing it for my healing an my well being. Cause the way it was going.. I would always be anxious to see if she'd text or if there were signs she was giving me at work, etc. It's all B.S. and it only made me suffer more and become perpetually unstable and never healing and moving forward with my life.

 

Repunzel has given good advice. The only thing you can do is go no contact. Be pleasant in the hallways and at work. Don't ignore but don't be too nice either. Don't offer any information and no longer ask her anything. No personal questions. It's not your place anymore and anything you ask or initiate is only gonna seem like persuit in her eyes. You got to pull back drastically. Look and be busy at work. I wear an ipod for most parts of the day. It keeps me distracted. I suggest you do the same if you're able to. Also coming on here helps me too.

 

There's also a guy on here that posted on peteperch's posting and he's posted on mine. His name is Robd70. Go through some of his posts. He knows his shi$. It's really helped me tremendously.

 

Stay strong my brother. Post on here whenever you need the support.

[peteperch]

Penseur - yes still work with the ex - without sounding dramatic it's been the most difficult 2 years of my life in so many ways - i'm still finding the daily rejection ( sometimes 3 or 4 times ) hard to handle - " shark eyes" - it still upsets me terribly.

 

If I see her first before shes sees me she physically winces - she really blames me for not being friends after BU - basically as my thread I was dumped on the phone two years ago - she came into work the next day beaming, asking how I and my family were in front of everyone - I truly believe she expected me 24 hours later after havng my heart broken to be her friend, ask about her daughter, her mum and dad etc - she was wrong to expect that - people have to heal

When I couldn't do this she was angry - everyone sided with her as the victim but I feel now my love for her never really meant anything to her - I struggle with the fact that it's taken me 2 years and her 24 hours.

 

cue 18 months of attempted NC ( impossible and when attempted interpreted as rudeness and immaturity ) , helplessness, jealousy and the feeling of being made to feel like a bad person ...things a little better since the summer but I still just can't let go of this damn hope

 

before Xmas went back into therapy ( this time found a good one who's helping me with exercises of letting go etc ) and I've got a date this weekend but at work the day we broke up I made a mistake of going over to the ex's table surrounded by her clan and wishing a merry Xmas - ruined me for days that one. The depression comes and goes - there are days when the anxiety controls me and days it washes over me - all I can say is I feel I'm getting there but very very slowly - there's some wonderful advice on here though - really helps ...

 

take care

pete

[Aqua066]

Peteperch - Glad to see you still kicking around. Seems like things are progressing for you. Date this weekend? That's great man! That's progress. Let us know how it turns out. Don't even think about the ex for a second. Have fun and enjoy yourself!

 

Also, no more birthday/Christmas/whatever pleasentries with your ex. It's a waste of your time and is only perpetuating your stasis (state of no change). Focus 100% on you and your future. Moving forward not backwards my brother...! Stay strong! Stay NC. Good luck on the date!

 

Aqua

[unknownfuture]

Thanks for the posts guys, means a lot. I also wear my headphones as much as I can, it helps not hearing conversation I know will hurt my healing.

 

I was only in 3 days this week, so that wasn't so bad. We have a house together as well so we still need to talk about things but we keep it short and both understand we can't be how we use to be.

 

It hurts walking in on a Monday and seeing her face, but it's just how it is, I can't forget so I just deal with it.

 

Please keep posting your working with the ex stories and I'll update on how I'm getting on with the work situation.

[brandnewday47]

Unfortunately, I know this situation all too well. Kind of embarrassing actually. But, going through it I'm of the opinion that the only person we can count on is ourselves, and we have to actually realize that although we can't get away from them - the pain from this comes from within. Once we realize that then we have to focus on taking away that person's ability to make us feel like crap. Currently, I'm going through a bit of an anger phase - mostly that I was so trusting of a girl who showed multiple times how immature she was. Hopefully I'll get through this soon, because I don't even want to feel anything for her. This isn't constant though. For the most part I actually agree with breaking up; from my perspective she wasn't giving me what I wanted and until I waved the white flag and gave up on the situation (and her), i couldn't see that. So in reality I probably should have ended it myself - but she just beat me to the punch.

 

 

Repunzel has given good advice. The only thing you can do is go no contact. Be pleasant in the hallways and at work. Don't ignore but don't be too nice either. Don't offer any information and no longer ask her anything. No personal questions. It's not your place anymore and anything you ask or initiate is only gonna seem like persuit in her eyes. You got to pull back drastically. Look and be busy at work. I wear an ipod for most parts of the day. It keeps me distracted. I suggest you do the same if you're able to. Also coming on here helps me too.

 

There's also a guy on here that posted on peteperch's posting and he's posted on mine. His name is Robd70. Go through some of his posts. He knows his shi$. It's really helped me tremendously.

 

 

^^I've read about Rapunzel's situation a few times as it has resonated with me. I'd also like to point out that RobD70's advice is great for these situations; in a nutshell it is changing your attitude. I think it helps to be able to see the ending of it as a good thing for you. Hard to do, but easier than viewing them on a pedistal that you'd do anything to be with again. As Rob would say, throw in the towel.

 

Oh and Pete, congrats on the date! Good luck..

[xcrunner]

Easier said than done, especially for more introspective people. Of course, it depends on the work environment. For someone who has been wronged, "acting" light, breezy, and unaffected- while being simultaneously treated to a good dose of indifference- is asking a whole heck of a lot.

[AlmostPeace]

I'm in the same boat. I have a contract in a few weeks that involves working with my ex. I have make big strides in healing since I went NC two months ago. I really would like the work, but at the same time I fear that working along side her might put me into a tailspin. It's hard to decided whether to take the contract or not. Hard to know how you will really feel in the situation before you are actually in it.

[rapunzel]

Easier said than done, especially for more introspective people. Of course, it depends on the work environment. For someone who has been wronged, "acting" light, breezy, and unaffected- while being simultaneously treated to a good dose of indifference- is asking a whole heck of a lot.

 

I agree, it is asking a lot and is sometimes (many times) virtually impossible to do. I guess I should have worded that differently, this should be a "goal", something to work towards. I certainly have not always been successful. Out of pride perhaps, and ego, I did not want him to think that he affected me, especially after a period of time had already gone by, so I tried to 'act as if' as a form of self preservation. I have been successful and also have failed miserably. It is certainly not a linear process.

[hgroog]

My situation just flat out sucks. I hate working with my ex fiancé. He helped me get this job so he pretty much made himself look dumb by bragging about me and then cheating and leaving me for a coworker. I try to be professional but they don't care to hide their relationship. It's very disgusting behavior in my opinion.

 

Luckly my schedule is different now and i only see my ex once a week for 30 mins. I wear headphones and try to ignore the gossip from everyone. It's hard but it's worth not being driven crazy!