I just realized I am in love with my wife's sister

[continuity]

Hi.

 

Where do I begin... My wife and I met when we were 18 & 19 respectively, it's 9 years later now. We were married 3 years ago.

 

My wife has a younger sister, by 2 years. I was always kind of interested in her, and I thought about her frequently. My wife was my first real relationship, and I'm a shy guy so I was damn pleased to have someone who was interested in me.

 

I started smoking weed at the same time (wife & wife's brother enjoyed it frequently), I had never even thought of using drugs before then. Recently, after 9 years of exponential increases in my drug intake, I've stopped and starting going to Marijuana Anonymous. (those who don't think it's addictive don't realize that ANYTHING is addictive if you can use it to hide from your problems and it feels good). I'm feeling a lot better. The scary part is, I've felt like a fog is lifting and I'm noticing a lot of new things.

 

I've noticed that I stayed with my wife a lot in the early going out of the "early love feelings", a source for drugs, and someone who cares about me (I am distant with my family.) Her family was like a new family to me, they cared about me and even remembered what I did for a living, unlike my own parents. I finally felt like I belonged. But I kept lying to myself that I was in love.

 

About 3 1/2 years ago, her younger sister was in a serious car accident, and quite honestly almost died. I was so scared. I was shocked into realizing "what if I had lost her, I have feelings for her. she would never know" She recovered perfectly. Her second chance was my second chance at her. I quickly increased my drug intake to forget about it. I just realized now that I felt I HAD to do something about it.

 

I'm trying to work with my wife on this. I'm trying to figure why I don't love my wife and I'm trying to figure out why I am so lovesick for her sister. I don't think her sister has even considered feelings for me since I have always gone out with her sister. We all hang out daily.

 

I care for my wife, but I can't remember being her lover, outside of the early days - I was so desperate to not be alone I fooled myself, I think. I even remember telling myself that I would stop smoking, and forget about her sister before I proposed. I didn't do either...

 

I'm confused. What do I do? I will lose everything either way, how can I continue with my wife, and how could I ever start something with her sister if we did breakup. All I am trying to do is be honest with myself. I don't "want it all", I just want to trust my feelings and follow my heart, something that I find important in my life now that I can open my eyes.

 

FWIW, Her sister also smokes. My wife has stopped smoking with me. I don't think they have a big problem with it like I have (addiction is in my family)

 

Oh yeah, and I was diagnosed with depression recently, so I'm riding the different drugs until I find the right one They too have helped a lot though, in my opinion, in helping me to realize that I need to get my life back on track (I'm 30 next year).

 

I'm trying to sort through all the obvious issues, whether it's a grass is greener, whether i just see her sister as young and innocent (she is NOT), or whether i want to be her protector or whatever... I don't believe I could ever change anyone ever, I can only be there to help if needed. If I'd been interested in grass is greener, I could have left long ago.

[Scout]

To be honest, none of the issues you mentioned - the pot smoking, not loving your wife, being diagnosed with depression, being distant from your family - really change/matter regarding the real problem here: you want your wife's sister.

 

My friend, do not go there. If you do, it will very likely be the most selfish thing you have ever done in your life, that will cause catastrophic and PERMANENT pain to several people. It will destroy several relationships.

 

I am not sure at what point people chalked up profoundly bad relationship decisions to "following their hearts".

 

If you are not in love with your wife, then divorce her. She deserves to be with someone who does love her, is committed to her, and isn't secretly pining over her sister. If you declare your love for her sister, it will create a terrible rift between your wife and her sister, even if your sister has no feelings for you. Everyone in the family will hate you - we're talking about the family that has given you support and love for years, that you did not get from your own family. You are going to repay them for this by going after your wife's sister??

 

This is such a terrible idea on so many levels. You shouldn't even be considering this. I hope you don't follow through on anything. The repercussions will hurt so many people.

[meeso]

wwwwooooooooooooooowwwwwww i owuldnt want to be in ur situation.

 

listen this is my opinion on ur situation im only 17 and maybe u wouldnt want to listen to me but i have a boyfirend whos 18 and we'r plannin to get married so now that u have mentioned all this i guess i need to think again.

anyway this is about u...personally i think u love ur wife and u care for ur sister in law...because if u really loved and had stronger feelings for ur wifes sister u would have left and walked away a long time ago and u want my advice u cant start anything with ur sister in law no matter what u will just hurt ur wife and u would prolly cause a lot of problems between the sisters and the relationship wont be as good as u think. Now if u guys have kids involved i think u should really sit down and think properly about this would u want to start something with ur kids aunt?!?!?!

i seriously think u should stop doin drugs and everything and get ur mind cleaned out and just think it out properly. maybe u guys married too young but deep down u do love ur wife.. why dont u like take a vaccation with ur wife for 3 days to a resort or something and maybe then u will realise how much u love her cuz im sure she cares a lot about u and it would hurt her if u leave her for her sister.

think of it man...if u do leave her then ur left with nothing cuz u definitely wouldnt have a chance with her sis....so its either ur wife or nothing...think about it..

wishing u luck

[spiderman_56]

geez .. u r not playin with fire , u r playing with a volcana internal lava ...

if u don't love ur wife , divorce her...but for the sister really forget it cuz u will lose ur wife and if u really love ur wife but is just confused , u will LOSE her for good ... and the familly will despie u ...

and that's by assuming that the sister is madly in love with u and ready to shoot herself in the leg, the relationship with the sister wouldn't last cuz 99.999% of the girls cannot survive without the support of their familly she will dump u and try to fix things with her familly... and in the end u will be alone and u really do not seem like a guy who knows how to tango alone ...really ...drop that idea ..u have nothing to gain and all to lose.

[Trough Lolly]

If you declare your love for her sister, it will create a terrible rift between your wife and her sister, even if your sister has no feelings for you. Everyone in the family will hate you - we're talking about the family that has given you support and love for years, that you did not get from your own family. You are going to repay them for this by going after your wife's sister??

 

This is such a terrible idea on so many levels. You shouldn't even be considering this. I hope you don't follow through on anything. The repercussions will hurt so many people.

 

this is such a good point. i dont think it can be summed up any better.

 

i think what you need to do is to try and lose this love for your wifes sister, and regain the love and passion you once had with your wife.

it may sound lame, but take her to the movies.. go for walks.. just be "together" as one.. as it was meant to be.

 

the choice is upto you.

[lillady898]

I don't believe in divorce at all unless, of course, someone is abusive (to the kids if there is any, especially) or someone has commited adultery (which, at times, can be forgiven and worked out). Otherwise, divorce is selffish. A vow is a vow, and that vow should not be broken. Especially for something as selffish as to "follow your heart" and go after another woman. If that's the case, your heart is definetly in the wrong place. I think you should focus more on making things right with your wife rather than focusing on your wants. Your wife quit smoking with you. She obviously loves you. If you never love her back, still respect her and be there for her. There is nothing wrong with being married to a friend. Sorry if this sounds like gibberish. I just really don't believe people should divorce. It just amazes me how people can lie to so many people.