I think I am about to cheat....

[Sugar]

on my husband. i am 23, married, with 2 young children. I love them all very much. Th eproblem is that although I love my husband with all my heart, love has become routine, and I am questioning whether I actually am in love with him anymore. I have kissed some other guys in the past, before we married, which he knows about, but never anything more than that. Since being married I had been faithful, until just a month ago when i shared a kiss with a close male friend of mine. We have been friends for the same amount of time as I've known my husband. We became quite close in the beginning, and there was a lot of attraction there, but after some heated kissing one night I backed away from him, and started dating my husband. A few years later we are still close, and the attraction is still there. It's not a physcial attraction, I'm attracted to his personality, as he makes me laugh, and we can talk about anything and everything. We talk on the internet, and through txting, and things get quite sexual, and he wants to take things further in person, and I am tempted, although he has said that if I do not want to, it wont affect our friendship, and we can go back to simply being friends. I have told him before that I do not want anything more than friendship, but I keep finding myself drawn back to him, and I just can't help it. I think that it is something to do with missing my late teens. My husband was the first proper relationship I had, and also the first sexual one. It all happened very fast, faster then it probably should have done, and we moved in with eachother after just a few weeks. I think I am regretting not exploring my feelings and getting to know myself before committing to someone for the rest o fmy life. As a child I had quite a rough childhood, and i always felt like I had not been loved, and that the person who looked after me when i mother left me as I got older when we would argue she would say that she wished my mum had had an abortion, or that she was sick of me etc, and I think my husband was the first man that truly loved me, for who I was, and despite my flaws, and I think this is why I got attatched so quickly. My husband is a wonderful man, he is loving and kind, and yes, i think he's the man I want to grow old with, however, i'm not ready to grow old yet. We do argue, about several things, and I have threatened to leave him, as I honestly think some time alone would do me good, so that I can actually work out what I want. the only thing is that each time I try to explain this to him he gets upset, and I always say it doesn't matter, we'll just carry on as normal. He's a good dad, and I know nothing would change that, but I don't know if thats enough to make me stay with him. We have always been very loved up, and talling eachother that we love eachother several times a day, but now it is more routine, and each time i say it I start wondering whether I am IN love with him, or whether I just love him because he has been so good to me, and is a good dad to the kids. I am so confused, do you think time alone would do me good?? I'll stress that it is not the children that I feel have tied me down in any way, and I would not be leaving the children behind, as they mean everything to me. When I had some problems before ppl always put it down to the fact that I am a full time mum, but that is what I truly love doing. I do want to go back to university, and get a career, however, I am worried that if I get a 'life of my own' so to speak, that I would perhaps meet someone else, so I have put the idea off....as I don't want to hurt my husband, but I am hurting at the moment. sorry for this long post guys.

[sphinx999]

You should not limit your education. talk to your husband about wanting to go to university and your worries about love becoming routine. I think that you are proberly just a little bit bored and want some thing to add excitement to you life. So i think that you need to try something new educational or job wise and make it so you have something to fall back on, and that your life is not quite so dominated with your relationship with you husbadn. He sounds like a lovely man, please don't cheat on him it would not do any good. Talk to him first give it a chance. If you did cheat on him and he found out it would really hurt him and the relationships within your home. So try and talk to him, explain about the uncertainties. But do it gently.

[Sugar]

he is a wonderful man, and i do love him dearly. i do think you're right that my life is dominated by him and the kids, and I don't have a life outside home anymore (i used to be really outgoing and have tons of friends, but since being together they've all drifted away, and I've gone in to myself, to the point where i don't go anywhere)....perhaps I am just bored, and need to get out and about again.

[sphinx999]

All I can say is good luck and enjoy yourself, remember if something starts to go wrong tlak to him about it before it's to late.

Good luck :

[moleculo]

People treat you the way you allow them to treat you.

 

Take a stand. You have important needs as well. Perhaps tell your husband of your ugres if he doesn't take your feelings seriously enough. Kids are a big responsibility, no one is arguing that. You have to support them, and him. But in turn, they have to support you, and you have changes you need.

[Mun]

Hi Sugar,

Let your husband know that you are a bit bored and you need to fill your life with other activities besides him and the children. You do need some adult conversation and company aside from your husband and family.

 

I think that if you are truly concerned about hurting your husband then you need to limit your exchanges with your "friend." He is wrong because he is not respecting your marriage, but you are the one with the committment here. You are putting yourself in this very difficult situation where you may lose something great for nothing.

 

You say you had a social life before, but all that has changed and you might possibly be bored. You might want to look into taking at least 1 or 2 classes at the University. You don't have to be a full time student-which might be difficult because of the children-but you can start somewhere. It will also give you an opportunity to make new friendships with other women.

 

You might also look into other activities, such as book clubs, play dates with other children- where you also get a chance to socialize a bit with other young moms- craft classes, things like these. Find what you like and go with that.

 

This other man may be fun and exciting , but is he worth losing what you have now? Good luck to you.

[_Ramirez_]

I think that what you really want is a break, a free ticket to fool around and live a more exciting life. You have the feeling that you haven't had enough adventures and you want to live some passion. Of course you won't get that with your husband, 2 kids and the everyday life routine. You love him but you want more.

 

You seem to have taken the burden of parenthood way too soon and you were not ready for a steady life without any surprise.

 

You have only 2 choices the way I see things.

1- You leave you husband without caring about how he feels. just be selfish and think about what YOU need. Be prepared to share custody of the kids tho and try to realise that a single mom with two kids have even less time to herself than a married one... and that not many guys want to involve themselves with a girl with kids (simple truth) especially if they are young.

 

2- Swallow your pill, try to build something strong in yourself and realise your husband and yourself can go a long way. The feeling you have of loosing your life will go eventually and when the kids will be grown up you will have much more time to do whatever you want.

 

But what you want now is your heart beating faster, your blood rushing in your veins and excitment making you feel alive and that is something most of us can't fight.

 

By the way, there is no such thing as going back "being friend" with a friend you're having an affair with especially if he have feelings about you and especially if he's the kind of guy that don't care you're married and already taken.

[Sugar]

Thanks guys for all the advice. I think I'm going to see about enrolling on some part time courses, and try and get a bit of my old self back. I have tried explaining to my husband that I am bored with the way our life is at the moment, and sick of it being so routine, but I don't think he understands. He works full time, and loves his jobs, and gets on real well with all the other blokes there, so he has a laugh all day, so I don't think he's feels tied down as much as me because he is free to be himself all day, and not worry about the house and the kids. I think once I'm at uni, even just the odd evening or weekday class that I will feel better about myself, and us.

 

As for my friend, well I said I would see him later in the week, and I think I will still meet him, and explain to him how I am feeling, and that I do not want to risk what I have got for something that does not mean anything in the long run. I hope that we do remain friends, but yeah, my husband and family are more important,and I'm not going to risk anything happening, so it's either just mates, or nothing at all. I know that I am strong enough not to let anything happen, I saw him the other day and nothing happened, we just chatted and laughed, so I know we can be just mates, but we'll have to wait and see.

 

Thanks again peeps,

I was scared of posting incase people judged me for trying to be honest and opening up, but you guys have been great,

thanks

sugar xxx

[Hopingpraying]

Sugar,

 

The only advice I would offer you is that a relationship takes two people to make it work, and if you feel bored it is up to the two of you to make it more exciting. Maybe your husband feels the same way, but does not want to say anything because he is affraid it will hurt your feelings. Communication is the key here. Be open and honest with him. You may not get the reaction you want initially, but expect that. If he reacts in a negative way just back off and give him time to process the information. He may be upset because he thinks you are attacking him when you really are not.

 

I think the mistake most people make in relationships, especially young people, is that they always expect to get that little tingle when you kiss someone. They always to expect to have there heart race when that other person walks into the room. That seldomly lasts very long, and then we start looking for someone else to give us that initial rush. And then we repeat.

The honeymoon does not last forever, especially when kids are involved. I believe my wife had the same experience you are going through right now. She was young when we got together. I was her first relationship. The sparks flew at first. After ten years together, three of which being married and two of those with a kid, the sparks faded. She went looking for those sparks elsewhere and now we are getting a divorce. It is a painful expensive endeavor. Please don't let that happen to you.

 

Communicate with your husband. You say he is a great man, it is just that your spark has faded. Find a way for you to try to get some of it back, but understand it is never going to have the excitment of a new relationship. That initial excitment just doesn't last unfortunately.

 

Good luck.

[Mike_Wazowski]

From Someone who has cheated on his wife, it's not as exciting as you think it is..trust me, if you do it, all the while you are Knocking Da Boots.....Only ONE thing will be going through your mind...Not How good it feels, but Your family! Your Husband! Your kids!

 

Run Woman, Run I say!!!! Run like da Wind as far away as you can from this other guy! He doesn't care if he ruins your family, all he wants is a piece of some forbidden fruit!

[oneofakind]

I think it would be a mistake. Even if your feelings for him are sincere consider the fact that he is willing to get into a relationship with a married woman. He doesn't seem to respect your marriage and that brings into question his own morality. If he's willing to cheat with you he may also be willing to cheat on you. Suppose you left your husband for him, then what? My advice would be to talk to your husband you obviously are unsatisfied with the relationship as it stands but an open line of communication is a better choice than a moments passion and the risk of your family.