what's wrong with me?

[singleandscared]

I'm really not sure why i'm doing this, it's just that it seems no one understands what i'm going through right now. i've been lying in bed crying for 16 hours straight and i don't feel like i can take this anymore. about a year ago, my fiance and i broke up after four years together. i went through hell, wanting to kill myself and swearing off men forever. slowly over the year, i got better, less depressed...but i always promised myself i would never ever put myself out there in a relationship again to get hurt like that. If only for the fact that i could not physically or emotionally get through another hurt like that. Well, needless to say, I was proud of myself for moving on, and i dated lots of guys, but no one really special. And then came kevin...he was wonderful and said all the right things and was sweet and romantic. And i began to slowly think that maybe i did have another chance at happiness. Well, last night we broke up. I had been sensing something for the past week and i finally called him on it...and he said he just wasn't ready for commitment and he really really liked me and liked spending time with me, but he had "things he had to do" and "was't sure what he wanted". Basically he said we need to slow things down. I was devastated. He was the one guy who I was finally willing to take a chance on (and the only person since my fiance who I've loved....) and here he was saying he needed space. Well, I freaked out when he said this, but i tried to act hardcore and pretend like it was no big deal. I just left and said, "well, maybe i'll see you around" when all i wanted to do was have him hold me and tell me everything was going to work out. I just feel so lost and so angry. Why would i go through the hell of last year breaking up with my fiance, and then get my hopes up again only to have them come crashing down. I've loved twice and i've lost both times. It just doesn't seem fair when i see all the happy couples out there. What am i doing wrong...or what is wrong with me? I just feel like there's no reason for me to be here...i just want to be happy and at this point i think it's impossible. i'm scared to death that my life is going to be empty like this forever. I don't think I can go through losing my love for the second time....and i'm so angry at myself for putting myself out there and allowing myself to get into a situation where i could get hurt. I dont feel like i'm going to make it through this; i just don't have the desire to even get out of bed or go to work. What am i going to do? I just keep asking myself "why?" this happened to me and why i'm even here if this is all there is for me...

[SwingFox]

Hi Single and Scared,

 

First of all welcome to eNotalone.com and thank you for coming to us with your loss and grievement. I am so sorry for how you feel right now and the pain you are going through again. It doesn't seem fair indeed. In your situation love hurt you twice.

 

Unfortunately love is not easy to find. If you look around you and you look better you see that so many people are alone and some even worse, feeling lonely. In the 21st century more people than ever are (still) single. People commit to each other on later age and get children after having some sort of career. It might be possible that this happened to Kevin, too. That he wanted space to setup a career or make progress in it.

 

Is there reason for real worry? I hope that my words will tell you different. I am 31 now and still single. It's just for the last year that I have set my mind more to commitment. I have been with two women before ... once for a couple of months, when I was around 22 and once for almost two years, when I was 28. Both ended in me getting hurt, too.

 

In the times that I have not been committed to someone, I was happy, too. Even now I am very happy. I go on trips, I go shopping, I go on vacations, I have a wonderful job and I have friends that I can rely on. I am free to do whatever I want and whenever I want. That's not something I had when I was committed to someone. I guess it's safe to say that every advantage has its disadvantage, too.

 

My suggestion is to keep your eyes open and your head up straight. Look around to see if there's Mr Right, because there is! In the meantime, live your life to the max and enjoy being able whatever you want to do. Make trips to places you have never been or go on vacation to places that you have dreamt of.

 

I send you my words of comfort and I wish you strength and courage to face life again. Life is a precious thing, please don't throw it away.

 

~ SwingFox ~

[zippitt]

I understand what you are feeling as most of us do here at enotalone. I have had it happen to me more than once and it doesn't get any easier with each instance. However your perceptions are off, when you say it looks like there are happy couples around every that's just your view. Remember you were there once too, that girl with the guy...the two of you looking so happy together. At that time you probably didn't notice all the single people because of that happiness you were experiencing. Most of the time when you see a young couple together in bliss it's because they are in the romance stage in their relationship. When the romance stage of a relationship dies, usually around 6 months to a year. People start to see the situation as it is. IE, some people freak out because they realize they are not ready for a lifelong commitment. It sucks that you have to be the test rat, but we all are learning as we develop relationships. What you are going through many of us have or are going through the same thing now. Just don't stop loving because of this, yes you can learn...and learn to see who is right or wrong for you. But the second you close off your heart because of your past then Mr. "right" will walk right by. Live for your happiness and you will be rewarded.